Seth Rogen To Star In Donkey Kong Movie Whether You Like It Or Not

Laugh at superstition all you want, but I believe we're just about to definitively prove that bad news really does come in threes. First came the report that Chris Pratt would be voicing the legendary video game character and stalwart of Italian representation known as Mario for an animated "Super Mario Bros." movie (along with a whole bunch of big names who aren't actual voice actors, notably!). We mostly laughed it off ironically, used it as fuel for several jokes and memes, and otherwise went on with our lives. Then came the even more demoralizing news that Pratt has apparently monopolized animated voice performances and snagged the role of voicing Garfield in another new animated movie. More memes and more existential angst ensued.

Now look at what we've wrought, as we now hear that a "Donkey Kong" movie is in the works with Seth Rogen, of all people, set to voice the classic giant ape after already being confirmed to appear as the character in "Super Mario Bros." Yeah, I've got nothing, folks. I can offer no other recourse than for all of us to collectively think upon our sins. If anyone needs me, I'll be avoiding open ladders and throwing lots of salt over my shoulder to ward off these recent bad vibes.

Will This Ever End?

What are the chances that we're currently right on the precipice of — dare I even say it — a "Super Mario Bros." Cinematic Universe? Via IGN, Giant Freakin Robot reports that animation studio Illumination is moving forward with developing a "Donkey Kong" movie and that actor Seth Rogen is set to lend his voice as the title character of the film. Of course, these are the same people who are bringing you the Chris Pratt "Super Mario Bros." movie and its avalanche of gimmicky A-listers filling out the rest of the cast. The idea of an "Avengers"-style franchise built around the Nintendo video games sounds just absurd enough to be true, particularly during this ongoing pandemic that has only strengthened the idea that anything not based on IP is doomed to fail.

Look, I have nothing against Rogen either as a person or an actor, but when I think of Donkey Kong in his little snazzy-looking tie and his perfectly coiffed hairdo ... I just don't picture Rogen's "stoner" aesthetic really meshing well here. Plus it's more than a little disheartening to see capable voice talent swept aside in favor of recognizable actors who likely won't make much of a difference in terms of box office anyway. Something tells me that if you're extremely eager to see a "Donkey Kong" standalone movie, you're probably going to do so regardless of who actually voices him. But that's just me!

The original report cautions that anything is subject to change at such an early juncture, so stay tuned to /Film for more updates if and when they come in. For all our sakes, let's hope my byline isn't present at the top of those future articles because I can promise that it will be nothing but doom and gloom. Anyway, eat Arby's!