Revisiting The Nightmarish Made-For-TV Musical Version Of Pinocchio Starring Drew Carey And Julia Louis-Dreyfus

On September 8, 2022, Robert Zemeckis' live-action adaptation of the Walt Disney animated classic "Pinocchio" comes to Disney+. It is yet another entry in the House of Mouse's ongoing attempt to remake their classic animated films, repackaging them with a new veneer. Yes, it is easy to decry the increased commodification of art, the lack of originality from a studio once known for innovation, and crassly utilizing the work of talented artists in service of keeping people subscribed to a streaming service. However, we know it will at least be better than the last time Disney took the classic "Pinocchio" story to a live-action arena.

On May 7, 2000, as part of "The Wonderful World of Disney," ABC aired "Geppetto," an original movie musical that took the story of "Pinocchio" and told it from the perspective of the puppet boy's creator/father, starring one of the company's biggest stars at the time in the titular role: Drew Carey. The pedigree behind the project was pretty good. Stephen Schwartz, who had recently written the lyrics for Disney's "Pocahontas" and "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" and was about to have a little show called "Wicked" on Broadway in a couple of years, was brought on to write a full original score. A young Jerry Mitchell, now thought of as one of the most reliable directors and choreographers on Broadway, came in to choreograph the dance sequences. Tom Moore was a steady hand of a director with decades of experience on television and in the theatre.

The result is a baffling catastrophe, a film that is equal parts shrill and tedious, that turns the congenial Geppetto into a man you wouldn't want to spend more than five minutes with.

I have nothing against Drew Carey. I quite like the man's work. "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" was a major staple of my television viewing growing up. Whenever I've seen an episode of "The Drew Carey Show," it's a good time. I even think he's done a fantastic job hosting "The Price Is Right" over the last 15 years. But what makes Drew Carey a compelling comedic presence could not be further away from who Geppetto is.

Carey's strength as a performer lies in his quick-witted, sardonic attitude. This is why he was the perfect choice to host "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" He could bask in the absurdity on a given episode, and once it was done, he always had the right line that let him stand on a tower above the improvisers and deliver his sarcastic judgment. Equally as funny was seeing that attitude get pummeled by his co-stars when Carey would stumble over his words or didn't land a joke.

"Geppetto" is pure sentimentality, and nothing about how Carey reads onscreen meshes with that at all. His idea of earnestness is stripping away every bit of edge and charm that he naturally has to take on this role, and the result makes him a void. His best moments are the ones where he is most annoyed with Pinocchio, most frustrated with the Blue Fairy's tactics, and most bemused at the strange folks he encounters. These does nothing to help us endear ourselves to him; quite the opposite, in fact. As a singer, he can carry a tune, but there's a harshness to his voice that matches his personality. He was one of Disney's big names at the time, but they couldn't have picked someone worse for the role.

Before television became a place for A-list actors to do challenging material in-between superhero movies, TV used to be where exceptionally talented theatre performers could get healthy paychecks to live off of in order to continue appearing on stage without going broke. Occasionally, these actors get hired onto a show that becomes massive, and they're forever associated with that character. If I say the name Brent Spiner, you immediately have an image of Data from "Star Trek: The Next Generation" in your head without question.

Before Data, Spiner was a jobbing theatre actor in New York who worked quite a lot in musicals, appearing in the Broadway productions of "A History of American Film," "Big River," and "Sunday in the Park with George" (my favorite musical of all time). This was his life, and because the US values theatre so little, I imagine a lot of people had no idea about this.

Brent Spiner plays Stromboli in "Geppetto," the nefarious puppet show proprietor who abducts Pinocchio, and he is almost the only person in the whole film who looks like he is enjoying himself. Spiner digs back to his hammy theatre days and chews on every bit of scenery he can find. Whether he is putting on a fake Italian accent or arguing with the puppet on his hand, the man knows he is in a silly kids movie and wants to give the audience a lively break from the schmaltz. His patter number "Bravo, Stromboli" tricked me into thinking I was watching a good movie and not utter trash.

Another theatre vet who shows up is René Auberjonois (who Spiner actually replaced in "Big River") to inject some life, but his song isn't nearly as fun as Spiner's.