Avengers: Secret Wars Probably Won't Include Marvel's Infamous Spider-Man Bathroom Scene

Marvel Comics published their massive 12-issue crossover event "Secret Wars" in 1984, and, even at the time, it felt commercially mercenary. It certainly didn't help that it was released in conjunction with a new line of Mattel toys. The premise of "Secret Wars" was childishly simple: A powerful interdimensional entity called the Beyonder creates a new planet he calls Battleworld. He fills it with weapons and guns, then magically teleports a huge handful of Marvel superheroes and supervillains into the middle of it. He orders them to all fight. The winner will get a single wish. Then the heroes and villains all fight. And that's it. "Secret Wars" was the thinnest possible excuse to write scenes of heroes and villains fighting. There didn't need to be a story or motivations. It's just mindless superhero action, barely above slamming action figures together. Jim Shooter wrote the series.

"Secret Wars" was a huge success for Marvel Comics, though, and its legacy has lasted to the present day. Indeed, a feature film called "Avengers: Secret Wars" is currently slated for release on December 17, 2027. The comics series also spawned a sequel miniseries, written by Shooter and drawn by Al Milgrom, called "Secret Wars II" in 1985. "Secret Wars II" saw the return of the Beyonder, but this time his mission was more research-based. He came to Earth, still interested in its superheroes, and elected to move there with his own superpowers removed. He studied human subjects while also learning how to do things like eat, sleep, and use a toilet. 

Yes, that last part was actually in "Secret Wars II." The Beyonder, a space deity from beyond time, didn't know how a toilet worked, and needed to be taught. There is a notorious scene wherein Spider-Man, completely embarrassed by the idea, has to teach the Beyond how to relieve himself.

It seems unlikely that "Avengers: Secret Wars" will recreate this scene.

The Comics Beat website has recently posted the entire two-page spread from the Spider-Man/Beyonder bathroom debacle on their website, and it's definitely worth pausing to peruse. The Beyonder is hungry for knowledge and experience, and comes to Spider-Man asking for the meaning of life. Spider-Man points out that he's pretty smart, but he's no guru or philosopher and is ill-equipped to answer questions about the meaning of life. When the Beyonder complains about a curious pressure in his lower abdomen, however, Spider-Man knows exactly what's happening: he has to poop. Spider-Man shows him to the bathroom. Luckily, the Beyonder is smart enough to take off his costume and use the toilet properly without Spider-Man standing over him. The Beyonder exits Spider-Man's bathroom, proudly declaring that "the experience is consummated." 

The reason we likely won't see the Beyonder toilet scene in "Avengers: Secret Wars" — beyond the obvious — is that the movie seems to be foregoing the events of the first two "Secret Wars" series and skipping straight ahead to a 2006 reboot of the "Secret Wars" story called "Beyond!" "Beyond!" lasted six issues, and also featured the same premise. The Beyonder teleported a random handful of heroes and villains to Battleworld, and this time offered three wishes to the winner. For "Beyond!," though, the identity of the Beyonder is presented as a mystery, and his motivations are ineffable and cosmic.

We know from various reports that the characters of Doctor Doom (Robert Downey Jr.) and the Fantastic Four will play a major role in the "Secret Wars" movie as well, so it's likely that a lot of the story will be altered from the comics. And if that's the case, it seems even less likely that we'll see the Beyonder in human form, asking to use Spider-Man's bathroom. 

If Marvel Studios does end up featuring the infamous potty scene, though, they will earn my respect. Imagine the temerity.