Brad Pitt Starred In This Forgotten Tales From The Crypt Spin-Off

There was a time when "Tales from the Crypt" was the jewel in HBO's crown. Based on ultra-gory, super-lascivious EC Comics from the 1950s, "Tales from the Crypt" was a wicked, bloody anthology series that boasted "Twilight Zone"-like morality tales, only with more cussing, sex, gore, and nudity. The series was hosted by a pun-enthused rotting corpse called the Cryptkeeper, voiced by John Kassir, and he would read tales out of his castle basement, eager to see the protagonists get dismembered. The series was a huge hit, and it attracted gigantic stars on a regular basis. Tom Hanks appeared on the show, and Arnold schwarzenegged directed one. Indeed, throw a rock in a room full of actors who were active in the early 1990s, and you'll hit someone who was on "Tales from the Crypt." 

Somehow this nasty little show became one of the flagship shows of HBO in the 1990s, and it spawned a kingdom of merch, pinball machines, toys, a Christmas record, and (eventually) movies. Indeed, it was successful enough to inspire multiple spinoffs. The kiddies were treated to the animated series "Tales from the Cryptkeeper" as well as the "Double Dare"-like game show "Secrets of the Crytpkeeper's Haunted House." In 1997, there was a short-lived sci-fi spinoff called "Perversions of Science," also based on old-school EC Comics. That show was hosted by an oversexed CGI android named Chrome (Maureen Teefy).

Few may remember, though, the attempted 1992 "Crypt" spinoff called "Two-Fisted Tales." It, too, was based on 1950s EC Comics, specifically its popular war, Western, and action titles. The star lineup of "Crypt" producers — that is: Richard Donner, Walter Hill, Joel Silver, and Robert Zemeckis – constructed a TV pilot for "Two-Fisted Tales" constructed of three 30-minute segments. The pilot starred such actors as Brad Pitt, David Morse, Dan Aykroyd, and Kirk Douglas. William Sadler played the host, Mr. Rush, the ghost of a Western gunslinger. 

The pilot, sadly, was never picked up, and only aired once in 1992 as a TV movie.

"Two-Fisted Tales" strayed from its source material a bit, boasting only one story that was directly based on EC Comics. The pilot's first — an original — was more horror than Western. In it, an evil gunslinger named Billy Quintaine (Neil Giuntoli) ruthlessly guns down a star Texas Ranger (David Morse), and feels only glee in the matter. On the run, Billy hides out in a local saloon, only to find that, perhaps predictably, it is haunted. Billy is confronted by his many, many victims. Naturally, uppance shall come. It was directed by Richard Donner.

The second story, "King of the Road," was also original, and it was a more modern tale. In the short, Raymond J. Barry played an aging sheriff named Garrett, and Pitt played Billy, a hoodlum with a penchant for dangerous chicken-run-style car racing games. It seems that "Billy" is the name of villains in this series. Billy learned that Garrett, as a youth, was also a star chicken-run racer, but that he gave it up when a friend was killed. Billy, wanting to see if he still had the guts, challenges Garrett to one final race. To sweeten the deal, Billy even kidnaps the sheriff's daughter (Michelle Bronson). Naturally, there is a twist ending. Warren Zevon was hired to compose the music for this segment. It was directed by Tom Holland (no, not that Tom Holland!).

The third story, "Yellow," starred Kirk Douglas and his real-life son Eric. Set during World War I, "Yellow" is about a soldier Lieutenant Martin Calthrob (Eric) who is accused of chickening out when he sees German troops approaching, lead to the deaths of several of his fellow soldiers. He is arrested and put on trial for cowardice. He argues that self-preservation, especially in the face of war, is no sin. Indeed, it may be the greatest virtue. Maybe the war isn't wise. The episode was based on a story printed in "Shock SuspenStories." It was directed by Robert Zemeckis.

"Yellow" is, if I may offer a brief editorial, one of the best episodes ... of "Tales from the Crypt." It's the only episode that ran longer than 30 minutes, and actually bothered to question the necessity and morals of war. Some fathers will execute their own sons, just to see if they can have a meaningless moment of wartime dignity. It's a stirring episode. 

But, yes, it was an episode of "Tales from the Crypt." It seems that no one wanted to see "Two-Fisted Tales," and the TV series was scrapped. The three segments were sliced out, given new Cryptkeeper intro scenes, and aired as regular episodes of the show. The "Two-Fisted" Sadler segments were left on the floor, sadly. "Yellow" aired on August 28, 1991, "Showdown" aired on August 1, 1992, and "King of the Road" aired on August 8, 1992. The stories were scary and ironic enough to function perfectly well, although "Yellow" did seem a little out-of-character for the pun-flinging Cryptkeeper's universe. 

"Tales from the Crypt" drew to a close in July of 1996. The first "Crypt"-branded movie, "Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight" had already opened in theaters in January of 1995, and its follow-up, "Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood" was in theaters in August of 1996. The second film didn't cause quite the same stir as the first, and "Tales from the Crypt" sauntered vaguely out of the public consciousness. "Perversions of Science" didn't last long either. There has long been talk of rebooting "Tales from the Crypt" (M. Night Shyamalan was trying to make a new show for a second), but the rights are tied up in red tape. For the time being, we all have wonderful memories and nightmares to keep us up at night.