The Guardians Of The Galaxy Holiday Special Pays Homage To One Of The Worst Christmas Movies Ever Made
Running a mere 42 minutes, James Gunn's "The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special" has a simple premise. The alien characters Mantis (Pom Klemetieff) and Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista) have noticed that their friend, the human Star-Lord (Chris Pratt), has been sullen of late. As aliens, they have little knowledge of Earth customs, but have put together that on Star-Lord's home planet they are about to engage in an oblique local holiday called Christmas. Mantis and Drax know that giving gifts is a central part of the holiday, and they elect to go to Earth in secret to acquire the ultimate present: Kevin Bacon (Kevin Bacon). Evidently, Star-Lord, who was kidnapped from Earth as a boy in the 1980s, has spoken at length about Bacon and his talents, and Mantis and Drax think nothing of kidnapping the actor and putting him in a box as a favor to their friend.
Alive, of course. They don't want to kill Bacon.
A good deal of "Special" is devoted to small vignettes of fish-out-of-water behavior, as when the two aliens accidentally stumble into posing for pictures in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater on Hollywood Blvd. The centerpiece sequence of the special will feature Mantis and Drax breaking into Kevin Bacon's home, located with a handy Star Map (maps to the star's homes are common items purchased by Hollywood tourists).
While Bacon is relaxing at home, he talks to his wife, Kyra Sedgwick, on the phone, indicating that she and their children are out for the evening. Alone, Bacon relaxes on his couch and flips on a holiday classic of his own: Nicholas Webster's 1964 cult oddity "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,"
'Dropo, you're the laziest man on Mars!'
For the uninitiated, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" was a low, low-budget children's fantasy film about ... well, the title gives a good portion of the story. Martian parents have become concerned that their Martian children have become too formal and cerebral for their own good, as they are educated by computers. An ancient Martian sage named Chochem (Carl Don) posits that their planet's children require joy and imagination, and — having seen him on rogue TV signals from Earth — suggests that they kidnap Santa Claus (John Call) from his home planet. The bitter Martian Voldar (Vincent Beck) and the lazy Dropo (Bill McCutcheon) kidnap a pair of Earth children (Victor Styles and Donna Conforti) to lead their ship to the North Pole where the real Santa lives. Santa will be forced to make toys for Martian children, despite the efforts of Martian saboteurs.
The film also features a robot attack. Dropo is eventually promoted to the role of Martian Santa. A well-known piece of trivia: one of the Martian children, Girmar (a portmanteau of "girl" and "Martian") was played by a nine-year-old Pia Zadora.
"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" is every bit as ridiculous as its title. It has gone down in history as a cinematic blunder that, despite it all, made its way onto TV airwaves for decades. "Martians" also enjoyed a new generation of fans thanks to a 1991 episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000." Very occasionally, the film will be found on the midnight movie circuit around December. Kevin Bacon, then, is no outsider. There are many who watch "Martians" every year around Christmas for yuks.
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Not only was "Martians" part of the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" lineup, but additional riff-centric shows took their own cracks at it. "Martians" was also featured on the website Rifftrax, founded by one-half of the MST3K crowd, as well as the traveling riff show Cinematic Titanic, founded by the other half.
In the August 2, 1964 issue of the New York Times, producer/writer Paul L. Jacobson bemoaned the fact that studios other than Disney were having a rough time breaking into a marketplace for children. Despite the low budget, Jacobson was enthused, saying that he was able to achieve a lot with little money. One can mock their efforts all they like, but the makers of "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians," thanks to TV reruns, have handily made their money back on the picture. "Martians" despite how strange it is, has been a rousing financial success.
The film's theme song by Milton DeLugg will burrow into your brain and live there until you die. DeLugg had a long partnership with game show host and producer Chuck Barris, and he composed the theme songs for "The Newlywed Game" and "The Gong Show." The song has been covered by cheeky punk bands the world over, and some of the covers are pretty magical. The band Old 97s, one of James Gunn's favorite bands, appears in "The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special," and Gunn seems to have missed an opportunity in hot having them perform it.
"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" is in the public domain, and cheap home video version, bootlegs, and YouTube uploads can be found everywhere. Indeed, why not take a moment and enjoy it here? Happy Holidays.