The Accents Of Bullet Train Ranked

Note: this post contains spoilers for "Bullet Train."

After what seems like a lifetime of waiting and watching different variations of the same trailer, "Bullet Train" has finally arrived in theaters. David Leitch's return to the director's chair is bound to be pretty divisive, but there is a bit of fun that can be had if you know you'll be watching some silly things unfold.

Case in point: the various accents being used by the movie's primarily-American actors. If you are like me and are mildly obsessed with movie accents that don't sound quite right, then "Bullet Train" is the movie for you. None of these accents aren't quite on the level of Robert Pattinson in "The Devil All The Time," but some are pretty damn close. Just how good are these accents, though? I've ranked them all from most baffling to most cohesive.

I should note that this list does not include actors in the movie speaking in their natural dialects, so cast members like Hiroyuki Sanada and Benito A Martínez Ocasio will not be mentioned here. This list is for the goofy and clearly-not-natural accents everyone else is putting on.

Speaking of The White Death's kids, let's briefly talk about The Son and his Russian accent. The White Death's ill-fated and face-tattooed child has a brief but pretty pivotal role in the film, although Lerman's attempt at an accent isn't the most consistent. I couldn't really tell at times, though, as he sounds very sleepy throughout his screen time, which might have been done to help out his accent skills. After all, can you ever really tell what someone sounds like when they're slurring their words? While this is true to some degree, he also doesn't talk long enough to gauge whether this was an effective strategy, as you can probably see above.

This performance has one thing that the others below it don't have, and that's consistency. There is not a single moment in this movie where King lets the posh accent she's using for this character slip, and given how it is very clear that she's American, that's actually kind of impressive.

That being said, she's still supposed to be Russian, something that her accent here clearly isn't, and that makes the fact that The White Death, The Son, and The Prince are directly related to each other that much funnier. Did The White Death just send her away to the U.K. in the film's canon? Did the three actors know they were supposed to be related? There are many questions here that need to be answered immediately, but unfortunately, they probably won't be answered in a theoretical sequel. You know, because they're all dead now.