Every Character In Stranger Things 4 Ranked By How Useful They Were

In the grand tradition of jocks from the 1980s being the absolute worst, the non-Jason/Lucas players on the Hawkins High School Basketball Team desperately need to go to therapy, learn to think for themselves, and learn to call out their garbage friends when they're acting like absolute maniacs. 

Look, I get it. Guy-code loyalty is very much a thing, but in terms of usefulness, this basketball team spends an entire season getting in the way and being one-note pricks. I hope they all look forward to never leaving Hawkins, taking over their dad's car-rental businesses or whatever it is they do, and spending the rest of their lives having to accept that they peaked in high school ... except for Patrick. He is very dead thanks to Vecna. 

Honestly, Patrick could have gotten his own slot but other than dying at the hands of Vecna, he's just as useless as the rest of these buttholes.

Hey, remember that girl who was mean to Eleven who is just the live-action version of Tammy from "Bob's Burgers?" Oh, you forgot about her because she appears in like two episodes and is just a cartoon mean girl and didn't even remember she had a name because this season had TOO MANY CHARACTERS? I don't blame you. She's only ranked this high because her confrontation with Eleven sets off her kidnapping storyline, and because she takes that roller skate to the face like a champ. If it weren't for the blood, I don't think she would have even cried. You get points for that in my book, kid.

No one respects journalists anymore, do they? Poor Fred Benson (Not to be confused with Freddy Benson of "iCarly") was Vecna's second victim, and his connection to Nancy Wheeler, unfortunately, helped the gang figure out how the mysterious deaths of Hawkins' teens were all related. Fred really did want to get to the bottom of Chrissy's death and deliver some quality journalism for the Hawkins High School paper, but he got a little too close to his subject and paid the ultimate price. 

RIP, Fred. You are not a murderer. I hope wherever you are, you know that.

Unbeknownst to us, Dustin's girlfriend Suzie Bingham comes from a pretty huge family, with her older sister, Ally Sheedy in "The Breakfast Cl–" err ... Eden, treated like de facto additional parents due to her eldest daughter status. 

When Jonathan, Argyle, Will, and Mike show up at her house looking for help, Eden doesn't kick them out and actually leads them to Suzie, while slipping away with Argyle to get high and get a little bit of respite from the chaos. Not only does she prove useful by keeping Argyle out of the boys' hair, but by granting them access to Suzie, they were all able to find the location of The NINA Project and find Eleven. Good on you, Eden!

Rule number 1 of "Stranger Things:" don't trust anyone that works for the government. Lt. Colonel Jack Sullivan is a mysterious military figure who blames Eleven for all of the problems in Hawkins, and orders her destroyed. He's a bad dude no matter how you slice it, but he doesn't have all the correct information. He tortures Agent Wallace, orders a SWAT invasion of the Byers' home, and he's only here to make matters worse. He is, however, directly responsible for the final events of "Papa," and that unfortunately does make him useful.

We don't know a whole lot about Agent Stinson, but she proves herself to be useful every time she pops up. She works under the tutelage of Dr. Owens and sends agents to the Byers Residence to serve as bodyguards to keep them all safe in case the military showed up to raid the house in search of Eleven. Well, they did, and Stinson spends the rest of the season trying to keep the family safe, and even helps reunite Hopper with El. 

Hopefully, we see more of her next season. It'd be nice to root for a good government worker for once.

Suzie Bingham may not have saved the world in a similar sense to Eleven, but without her masterful ability to track down the location of The NINA Project, the boys would not have been able to find El. Even better, Suzie offers her help without being presented with the stakes of "Hey, the world is gonna end," and instead does so because she thought it would help Dustin get a new gaming console for his birthday. If there's anything I'm looking forward to most in season 5, it's Suzie's reaction to figuring out what Dustybuns has really been up to all this time. I also hope she fights her dad, because that guy sucks, too.

Robert Englund is a national treasure, and his monologue telling the story of what really happened to the Creel family provides so much vital information for the gang to stop Vecna. Victor is the only survivor of his family's massacre and is deeply traumatized by what happened. As he tells his story to Robin and Nancy, he empowers them with the key to breaking people out of Vecna's world, and this poor man's pain becomes the key to understanding just what they're all dealing with. 

For someone who shows up for a one-episode monologue, he sure proved to be useful. 

I DON'T LIKE THIS! CHRISSY, WAKE UP!!! 

Chrissy Cunningham is a troubled cheerleader with a heart of gold, and one of the only people in Hawkins to show kindness to Eddie Munson. Unfortunately, she is the first of Vecna's victims after he unleashes a new reign of terror on the once-sleepy town and kicks off the events of the season. 

I hate to classify someone's death as "useful," but in the world of the show, she's the inciting incident. She deserved better and while it would absolutely be jumping the shark, I'd love it if Vecna had a weird undead army or something and we got more Chrissy. 

Unrelated: I will personally fight her fatphobic mom. It's on sight.

Thanks to his understandable desire to be popular and fit in at school, Lucas spends a good chunk of the season on the team "Bad Jocks Who Don't Change Their Jackets," but fortunately gets his s*** together and joins the cause. 

He is a huge reason why Max isn't killed during her first face-off with Vecna, he defends Hellfire Club when everyone accuses them of being Satanists, he helps hide Eddie from the town and the authorities, he takes watch over Max during the finale battle, and he manages to subdue Jason when he almost screws up everything. But man, that opening alliance with the basketball team really tanked his ranking on this list. 

The flat top is a good look, though. Keep that. I like it. 

All hail Lady Applejack! Erica Sinclair is the queen of the "cinematic mouthy little sisters club," and now that she's 11 years old, she's finally old enough to join the team in a bigger capacity in their life-or-death adventures. Erica is vital in the battle against Vecna by keeping watch for Jason and the gang, who apparently have no problem beating up a little girl. God, they're such jerkwads. 

Erica rules. Always has. Always will. Can't spell America without Erica, indeed.

First things first, Winona Forever! But with that out of the way, Joyce didn't get as many badass mom moments this season as she usually does. She was a great help in believing Hopper was alive even when Murray wasn't fully on board, and she never gave up hope. When the three of them reunite in Russia, they become an unstoppable dream team, with Joyce keeping them all grounded. 

There's no passion quite like a mother's love, and she's willing to put her life on the line if it means keeping the kids safe.

As our own Valerie Ettenhofer so correctly pointed out, "Stranger Things" keeps failing Will Byers. The core of the first season, Will has since been treated like an afterthought the last three seasons, but it looks like the tides are finally turning. Will has consistently kept his feelings buried deep to maintain the status quo of the group, even to his own detriment. 

Will deserves better, and although he thinks Mike is the heart of the group, that's not true. It's him. Will is the heart. He is the love. He is the core of everything. But once again, Duffer Bros, PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU WRITE GAY SUBTEXT. You already forgot his birthday. Don't mess his queerness up next season.

Nepotism baby, be damned. Maya Hawke is the real deal. 

Robin more than earned her place in the team this season, with her best moment taking place in the Pennhurst Mental Hospital when she improv misogyny-shamed Warden Hatch in his office as a way to get to Victor Creel. Robin spends the season going against her better judgment and feelings of self-preservation to help the cause, knowing the fate of the world is at stake. Give Robin a girlfriend in season 5 or I riot!!!

This entire blurb could have just been a gif of Nancy with a sawed-off shotgun shooting at Vecna during the final battle. Nancy is done screwing around, especially after Vecna got in her head and left her alive to tell his story and warn the others. She goes into full final girl mode, and there's some real poetry that Nancy is the one who puts the final bullet into a flaming Vecna, who is heavily based on Freddy Krueger. I see you, Duffer Bros. 

Unrelated, please watch Natalia Dyer in "Yes, God, Yes" because she's really good and not enough people have seen that movie. Okay, bye. 

HENDERSON!!! Dustin Henderson was clearly supposed to play second banana to Mike Wheeler and serve as a goofy friend, but he once again runs away with the emotional arc of the season. 

Dustin never gives up, is constantly looking for solutions, stands by Eddie no matter what, and is even willing to face down hordes of demobats with him in the Upside Down. Dustin constantly puts himself in danger knowing it's necessary to defeat evil, and always stands up for the little guys. There's a reason that Eddie sees a lot of himself in Dustin because he really is the future of Hellfire Club. Dustin tells Eddie's uncle Wayne that he died a hero, because no matter the outcome, Dustin is always going to do the right thing. 

Except for, yanno, owning up to his bad grades. But he gets a pass for that.

If there was an inverse of the holy trinity in the world of "Stranger Things," it would come in the form of Henry Creel/Vecna/One. Not only is he the big baddie of season 4, but it also turns out he's been the big baddie *extreme Sally Field in "Mrs. Doubtfire" voice* THE WHOLE TIME?! Vecna is useful in the sense that without him there isn't a show, but every inch of this season had his touch. He is everywhere and nowhere at the same damn time and made for the scariest villain in "Stranger Things" history yet. Can't wait until next season when he's just walking around Hawkins and making Mrs. Wheeler have really weird thoughts she doesn't want to process.

The most useful character this season was Eddie Munson, who absolutely did not have to die and I swear to Eleven I will dropkick anyone who thinks his demise was some "poetic full circle" nonsense. 

The only crime Eddie Munson committed was being introduced in season 4, which sealed his fate from moment one. He spent his entire life in Hawkins battling monsters, and that's long before the gate to the Upside Down was ever opened. Eddie died so Hawkins could be saved, sacrificing himself for a city that didn't deserve him, and thereby saving all of humanity. 

I hope you're partying with the Iron Maiden mascot, wherever you are. The dungeon master of our hearts. RIP.