Roger Ebert Compared Andy Kaufman's Sci-Fi Box Office Bomb To 'A Cold Potato Pancake'

Allan Arkush's 1981 sci-fi comedy "Heartbeeps" is one of the weirdest movies you might ever see. The film takes place at an unspecified future date when artificially intelligent humanoid robots have become common among the nation's rich. In a baffling piece of casting, comedian Andy Kaufman plays ValCom-17485, a valet robot who has been sent back to the robot factory for repairs. While waiting in a warehouse, he strikes up a conversation with AquaCom-89045 (Bernadette Peters), a companion robot who was built specifically to carry on small talk at poolside parties. The two robots speak in a mechanical, halting fashion, and look artificial. Peters and Kaufman were outfitted with complex, shining facial prosthetics to make them stiff and plasticine. The makeup was so impressive, "Heartbeeps" was nominated for the very first Best Makeup Oscar. It lost to Rick Baker's work in "An American Werewolf in London." Fair.

While conversing, ValCom and AquaCom decide that they have fallen in love, and decide to blow the joint. They steal a van and set out into the world. They take with them a puppet-like robot named Catskil-55602 (Jack Carter), and build a "child" out of spare parts they find in the van. They name the baby robot Philco. Philco's vocal noises were provided by, of all people, Jerry Garcia. As rogue robots, ValCom and AquaCom are pursued by a police robot named Crimebuster (Ron Gans). 

Everyone hated "Heartbeeps." It's a weird, terrible movie. The sci-fi conceits are not explored in favor of cheap robot jokes and weird robotic slapstick, but the humor also isn't funny. It's grating and shrill and, even at only 78 minutes, interminable. Based on six reviews, "Heartbeeps" has an unenviable 0% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. On "Sneak Previews," Roger Ebert compared "Heartbeeps" to a cold potato pancake. 

I need to stress again that "Heartbeeps" is really, really annoying. Kaufman's robot voice isn't too far off from his implacable Eastern European accent. Catskil-55602 tells really bad, Borscht-belt-style jokes recycled from Henny Youngman bits.

Ebert didn't mince words, saying that "'Heartbeeps' tells a dreary, whimsical love story." He noted that Kaufman and Peters weren't able to give very good performances through the thick, unmoving robot makeup. After showing several clips of the film (which make it look quiet and slow-moving), Ebert notes that it's about "as thrilling as a cold potato pancake." Ebert pointed out that "Heartbeeps," in addition to being dreary, is also derivative. He says that the robot personalities were clearly ripped off from "Star Wars" (which was only four years old at the time), and that the structure was a mere "Wizard of Oz" retread. He even noted that the "characters lost in the woods, meeting fairy tale-like figures" was perhaps a repeat of film school staple Jean-Luc Godard's 1967 French New Wave film "Weekend." Ebert concluded by saying "The robots — and their story — are slow and halting and boring. The movie suffers from terminal cuteness." 

Ebert's fellow critic Gene Siskel pointed out that the opening three minutes of "Heartbeeps," which featured ValCom and AquaCom admirning a rainbow, is the whole of the film, and the remaining 85 minutes are useless. Ebert interjected to add, "This is the kind of movie that was dreamed up over the wrong lunch. Maybe they ordered the wrong wine or something." There was no story, Siskel and Ebert agreed. Needless to say, they both gave the film a "No." It was before they were using their popular "thumbs up/thumbs down" gauge. 

The entire movie is so, so bizarre. A comedy about the inner lives of robots isn't the worst idea, of course, but all of the details of "Heartbeeps" are a little off. The script is simple and unfunny, so it's unusual to see a wry, self-aware comedian like Andy Kaufman and a talented triple-threat like Bernadette Peters speaking their lines with such bizarre frankness. The movie seems to have been shot mostly in public parks, giving everything an unshakeable visual cheapness. But it's clearly not cheap, as the robot makeup is so sophisticated. 

Kaufman was known for playing pranks on his audiences, usually making them the butt of his jokes. His presence in "Heartbeeps" may have viewers wondering if the whole movie is a joke of some kind; if "Heartbeeps" was made on a dare. The film tanked at the box office. When asked about "Heartbeeps" on "The Last Show With David Letterman" in 1982, Kaufman apologized for how bad it was an promised to give refunds to anyone who had paid to see it. As a joke, of course. Kaufman was not making some kind of self-aware gag on audiences, and director Allan Arkush was making the best film he could. It was just a failure. One might wonder if Kaufman employed his extreme method acting for the part. 

Of course, even if it was, it's not a pleasant film to sit through. All six reviews on Rotten Tomatoes are roundly negative. Matt Brunson at Film Frenzy gave the film one star. He said that the scant running time felt triply long and described it as "wretched." Brian McKay identifies which kind of knitting-needle inspired ocular trauma he would have rather suffered than sitting through "Heartbeeps" again. Ouch.