Roger Ebert Didn't Mince Words About Jason Statham And Chris Evans' Awful 2005 Movie

In 2005, Roger Ebert saw a film that was so bad he predicted that every one of his critical peers would dismiss it. He was right. Ebert, who passed away in 2013, was often generous with his reviews, like when he gave Samuel L. Jackson's mediocre "Lakeview Terrace" a perfect score. He also loved Al Pacino's 2005 sports movie "Two for the Money," which otherwise received mixed reviews. That same year, however, he was aligned with every other critic who found "London" to be almost unwatchable, penning one of the harshest reviews he'd ever produced.

The film was written and directed by Hunter Richards, who, perhaps unsurprisingly, given the critical response to "London," hasn't really done all that much since. He did write and direct a short called "Awake" in 2010 and wrote a 2014 feature called "Free the Nipple" which currently bears a disappointing 18% critic score on Rotten Tomatoes. But even that isn't quite as bad as "London," which only managed a 14% Rotten Tomatoes score and was excoriated by critics (who struggled to find a single likable thing about Richards' 2005 romantic drama).

"London" stars Chris Evans as a lovesick New Yorker who crashes his ex-girlfriend's farewell party in an attempt to make amends before she departs for California. Instead of rekindling the pair's romance, however, he spends most of the time in the bathroom with Jason Statham ... and if that sounds like a bit of a drag, it is. One look at the reviews will tell you as much, but if the RT score isn't enough to convince you, take it from Ebert, who at one point referred to the film merely as "dreck."

In 2014, Chris Evans made his directorial debut with "Before We Go," a sentimental romantic drama that was a lot better than critics at the time gave it credit for. Evans and his co-lead Alice Eve were both likable and had a lot of chemistry, and the film really immersed you in its late-night New York setting. It also shared a few things in common with "London," with Evans playing a forlorn New Yorker wounded in love and pining after his ex, who he eventually confronts at a party. Unlike "London," however, "Before We Go" was sort of charming and memorable.

In the 2005 film, Evans' Syd discovers his ex-girlfriend, London (Jessica Biel), is leaving New York for California with her new boyfriend. But rather than handling the news in a normal way, Syd trashes his apartment and decides to crash London's going away party. Making matters worse, he brings along Jason Statham's Bateman, a banker who's also Syd's cocaine supplier. That particular cocktail of bad decisions and bad people naturally leads to a train wreck of a night, with Syd and Bateman spending most of their time in a bathroom and working their way through what looks like a lethal mix of coke and tequila, all the while discussing every subject imaginable.

If you're disappointed at the lack of Statham ass-kickery in that plot, don't worry, there is a fight in this film, though it's hardly the kind of thing that will satiate fans of the British hardman's movies like "A Working Man." The tension comes from whether Syd will find the courage to confront London, but if you dare to give this critically-savaged film a go, you'll probably tap out long before you find out the answer.

Aside from the fact it's upsetting to see Jason Statham with a full head of hair, "London" is a rough ride from start to finish. Critics certainly left no room for doubt in that regard, with Michael Rechtshaffen of The Hollywood Reporter marveling at what he called "some of the most numbingly self-absorbed and obnoxious characters ever assembled in a single film." Elsewhere, Michael Phillips of the Chicago Tribune dubbed the movie an "aggravating twerp of an indie." His fellow Windy City critic, Roger Ebert, however, was perhaps the most withering of all reviewers, which is saying something.

Not only did the Chicago Sun-Times critic give "London" a one-star review, he was so sure of the movie's lack of merit that he predicted Hunter Richards was "going to get jumpy when the reviews of his movie appear." Ebert knew this film was an unquestionable dud that his peers would similarly shred to pieces, but that didn't temper his own criticism.

The nicest thing the critic had to say about "London" was when he praised Chris Evans and Statham for having "verbal facility and energy, which enables them to propel this dreck from one end of 92 minutes to the other." He also highlighted the women of the film for being "perfectly adequate at playing bimbo cokeheads." Otherwise he called the movie "bad" and "ugly," and was clearly put off by every single character, especially the leads. "After I got to know Syd," he wrote, "I was not surprised that he wasn't invited [to the party], and I was not surprised that [London] was going away."

"London" is free to watch on Tubi, which is actually one of the best streaming services (despite the fact its catalog features movies like "London").