This Spoof Is The Best Way To Watch The First Harry Potter Movie

Many reading this may feel deeply ambivalent about the ever-widening "Harry Potter" franchise. After all, the first eight "Harry Potter" feature films were all gigantic hits, transforming a deeply beloved book series into a dazzling and stringently faithful string of movies. The first film, Chris Columbus' "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" (or "Philosopher's Stone" if you live in the UK) made over $962 million at the box office back in 2001. Kids grew up with the books and with the movie series, merrily getting lost in a deep world of wizardly intrigue. Harry is a brave and resourceful youth who learns he's destined to do battle with Lord Voldemort, the snake-like warlock who murdered his parents. Harry's fine role model for children, and Voldemort, being a race purist, is a notably nasty villain.

But now we have to look at the "Harry Potter" franchise's creator, author/screenwriter J.K. Rowling. It's widely known that Rowling has, for many years, been making anti-trans comments and funneling her vast wealth to back anti-trans laws in England. Indeed, she regularly takes to social media to rant about the evils of transgender people, spewing bigoted talking points and generally being horrible. This has made it difficult to read "Harry Potter" books, and her onetime fans now question the ethics of giving her more money via "Harry Potter" merch and/or book sales.

But there is a way to watch "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" with both fresh eyes and ethically. Comedian Brad Neely once recorded a full-length audio commentary track for the film titled "Wizard People, Dear Reader," which is available on the website Illegal Art. Neely recounts the events of that Harry Potter movie, but in a distracted, near-drunken fashion, getting many details wrong. It's hilarious, and Rowling won't get a dime from it.

"Wizard People, Dear Reader" can be listened to on its own or paired directly alongside "Sorcerer's Stone." Although Neely dictates the events of the film, he misreads a lot of what is presented on screen. He seems to think that Professor Snape (Alan Rickman) is a woman, for instance, and that Hermione (Emma Watson) is not Harry's friend but an arch enemy that he's constantly sniping at. Neely refers to her as the "Horrible Harmony" while similarly dubbing Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint) Harry's simpatico bestie, Ronnie the Bear. Harry's name is correct throughout, of course, although he is sometimes Harry F***ing Potter (Daniel Radcliffe). Meanwhile, Professor McGonagall (Maggie Smith) becomes Professor Cardcastle McCormick, whereas Neville Longbottom (Matthew Lewis) is curiously called Upfish Sinclair. At the end of the story, Neely reveals that Voldemort (or Val-Mart) is actually Harry's father and that he's a Dracula. 

Neely slurs his words, half-remembering the plot and mythologizing Harry as a hard-drinking badass who can kill people with a thought. He also drops in cuss words, mockery, and a certain kind of growly delivery that you'll want to emulate yourself. "Wizard People, Dear Reader" is perfect for college kids who grew up "Harry Potter" fans but have since moved on from it. It's a marvelous re-litigation of childhood fandom. Neely tries to make Harry Potter seem as epic and badass as you might've remembered him at age 11, but filtered through the eyes of an old drunk dude who spends too much time thinking about motorcycles and John Wayne. Harry is described, comedically, as the narrator's masculine ideal.

Neely's purple prose is also notably florid. He describes Professor McCormick's voice as sounding like a piano made of frozen Windex. 

Neely's commentary became a sensation in the mid-2000s, passed around college campuses with a fervor. It became so popular that some theaters would rent prints of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" and present it without audio, playing Neely's track instead. (Presumably, Neely was also paid for these events.) At a few venues, Neely would appear live and read all of "Wizard People, Dear Reader" as "Sorcerer's Stone" played on a screen behind him.

Sadly, when Warner Bros. heard what was happening with "Wizard People, Dear Reader," it requested that theaters cease the shenanigans immediately. Warner Bros. withheld print rentals of "Sorcerer's Stone" — and any other prints from its archive — until all of "Wizard People" screenings were wiped from a schedule. Neely related the struggles he encountered in an old interview with Chief Magazine.

This would not be the only time Neely caused a sensation online. He was also the animator for the 2007 music video "Washington" by Cox & Combes, which was similarly passed around college campuses. He originally came to fame back in 1996 with his comic strip "Creased Comics," which will finally be published in a 2026 compendium. Neely has additionally written for "South Park," worked on myriad animated shorts for Adult Swim, and created the shows "China, IL" and "Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio." He's always had an off-center sense of humor (one that's deeply appreciated by the world's weirdos).

And, perhaps without realizing it, he provided future "Harry Potter" fans with the means to re-interrogate "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" through a comedic lens. Many versions of "Wizard People, Dear Reader" exist on YouTube, so one can enjoy the humor completely ethically and without supporting Rowling. Sadly, Neely never made a sequel.