disney+ titles

Rather than release a standard press release listing all their titles, Disney+ is taking the long way around and running a seemingly never-ending thread full of everything you’ll be able to watch when the service launches next month. A bunch of the titles will be familiar to movie fans – Disney classics, from the so-called Disney Renaissance and beyond. But there are also several titles that just seem…well, fake. You can’t help but wonder if the poor unlucky social media employee tweeting all these out is slipping a few intentionally fictional movies and TV shows into the list just to see if anyone will notice.

As of the time of this writing, the Disney+ titles thread is still going. In fact, it might never end. Maybe it’ll just run until the sun burns out and our planet is reduced to a lifeless husk. (Ed. note: it’s over now, but goodness, that sure took some time.) For now, though, we’re over here combing through this beast and coming across several titles that just seem completely fake. To be clear: these are all real. Of course they are.  I think.

Here’s a twofer. First: Justin Morgan Had a Horse. Oh, did he? Well, was the horse familiar with The Biscuit Eater, which I assume is about a dog, based on the image. Dog loves biscuits. Horses like them too (I think?), so maybe Justin Morgan’s horse and the Biscuit Eater got together for a nice meal. We can dream.

Ah yes, who can forget Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure? We all had a good laugh when Sharpay stood don top of a pink taxi cab and held her dog (Sharpay is the girl, right? I don’t know). And then, of course, there’s the 2011 classic Kickin’ It. Fun fact: the title was original Kicking It, but the frozen head of Walt Disney rose up from its underground tomb and said: “Drop the g.” Movie magic!

Wow! Eddie’s Million Dollar Cook-Off is on here, too? This service has everything! Based on this image, this movie (TV show?) focuses on Eddie, a crazy lunatic who escapes from an asylum and decides to play baseball not with a traditional bat, but rather a giant spatula. In the background there you can see the team’s coach clearly screaming in terror, wishing someone would come and take Eddie away before he gets everyone killed.

For this made-up movie, someone took a photo of Bill Pullman in line at Starbucks, looking at the menu, and then Photoshopped his face onto some sailor’s body. Then they Photoshopped Kirsten Dunst’s evil vampire doll hair from Interview With the Vampire onto a yearbook photo of Hayden Panettiere. There aren’t even any tigers in this image. You goofed, Disney.

The fuck is this?

In 2008, the Minutemen arrived. They came dressed in snowsuits, surrounded by an eerie green light with numbers floating in it. Some say if you looked long enough into that light you would go mad. Do you dare look for yourself?

God, this is the fakest one yet. We’re onto you, Disney.

Disney+ launches November 12.

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