The 17 Horror Films Of Dario Argento, Ranked From Worst To Best

Plot: A policewoman who suffers dizziness and hallucinations in the presence of classical paintings pursues a serial rapist/killer with no such ridiculous illness.That's So Argento! After stabbing her rapist in the neck, Anna (Asia Argento) gouges out his eye, shoots him, pummels his head, and dumps his body in a raging river.Thoughts: Where to start with this offensively stupid film. How is this woman a police officer what with her bouts of amnesia, hallucinations, and general awfulness at her job? Why does the early wig that's not supposed to be a wig look so much worse than the later wig that's acknowledged as a wig? Why is there a CG shot of pills going down her throat and why does it look so utterly horrible? Why is rape leaned on so heavily as lazy terror beats? Are we really supposed to view her shift into becoming a deranged serial killer as a commentary on the effects of trauma when she was clearly bonkers before the multiple rapes even occurred? Are you really committing to the idea given voice in the final moments that crimes committed by past victims aren't their fault? How do you open with her hallucinating an underwater swim in which she kisses a large, human-ish fish and then not revisit that absurdity in the lake of bullshit that follows? Ugh, this movie.

Plot: A man raised by rats beneath the city of Paris falls for an opera singer, but his efforts to woo her are complicated by his murderous tendencies and her indecisive heart.That's So Argento! Christine (Asia Argento) awakes after being raped by her on again off again beau, the Phantom, and discovers him frolicking in another room with rats crawling playfully over his bare skin.Thoughts: Eleven years after updating the classic tale with the stylish thriller Opera, Argento goes back to the literary well with a proper adaptation. Psych! As a non-musical the film is reliant on the strength of Gaston Leroux's original story and the atmosphere of the period setting. The latter's a lost cause as the film's budget precludes anything impressive on the visual front from cinematography to production design, and the former? Well, let's just say this isn't the Phantom you're familiar with. The tragic love story is gone as this Phantom isn't even disfigured – he lives in the sewers because that's where the rats raised him (and taught him to speak, dress properly, and use product in his hair) – meaning the only real obstacle in life for him is the fact that he's an a**hole.

Plot: A killer with a modem taunts police by making them play online poker hands, and if they lose he kills a victim live on the webcam.That's So Argento! An extended and dialogue-free sequence involving the female police officer sees her home alone when she notices a masked man outside her window. He disappears – she thinks – but she soon realizes he's entered her house, stolen her gun, and dumped some severed fingers in her purse. Then she discovers he has yet to leave. It's an effectively suspenseful set-piece pairing the killer's home invasion with her capable cop action.Thoughts: This one's as lifeless as the pixelated corpses that show up throughout as it delivers a story that's both flat and uninspired even with these "cutting edge" online shenanigans. The poker games lack energy and suspense despite the stakes, and the repetition doesn't help. The final minutes are devoted to a game between the killer and the cop as they lay on railroad tracks, and it's just a trainload of who the hell cares. Events are just as uninteresting offline as the killer's identity is clear from the first act and Argento seems disinclined to do anything intriguing with his camera. Oh, and a big old electronic woof to the normally reliable Claudio Simonetti's score, too.

Plot: A woman writes to her brother about her building's strange, witch-related history and asks him to come visit, but she's brutally murdered by someone with incredibly dry hands before he arrives in town.That's So Argento! Elise witnesses her new friend being dragged away by unseen assailants who soon turn and give chase. Her effort to escape stairwells and rooms painted only in blue and red lights sees her enter an attic occupied by hungry cats and a knife-wielding man. So yeah, that doesn't end well for her.Thoughts: The second entry in Argento and Daria Nicolodi's Three Mothers trilogy lacks the bombast of Suspiria and the absurdly gory carnage of Mother of Tears, but it works as connective tissue delivering some engaging visuals and demises along the way. Its focus on the house as a domicile of evil with walls acting like demonic bones – along with some excessive animal mayhem – makes it feel at times like a blend of Argento and Lucio Fulci, and that's not a bad thing. Keith Emerson's on-the-nose score suits the devilish imagery, Argento's garish lighting game is on point, and the kills are both bloody and painful-looking. The script does spend quite a bit of time explaining and exploring the Three Mothers mythology, something its predecessor only hinted at, but it succeeds at building a world of dark and deadly magic.

Plot: A young woman is all that stands between the last of the Three Mothers and humanity's damnation.That's So Argento! A woman has her tongue and teeth crushed before being disemboweled and strangled with her own intestines as a heckling baboon watches from the shadows.Thoughts: Look, this is a big mess of a movie, but there are still more than a few things to like about this final chapter in the Three Mothers trilogy. Argento's love affair with his daughter's fleshy bits continues, and she's joined by the witchy mother herself who gains power by wearing a magical tunic – so of course, we see her put it on twice and take it off once revealing her as a witch who goes commando. There are fun beats including international witches who fly into Rome (on airplanes, disappointingly), copious amounts of fantastically realized gore and bloodletting, and a surprising amount of kiddie carnage, but the internal logic of it all stumbles on its way to a wet, nonsensical, and goofily abrupt ending. Granted, logic is rarely celebrated in Argento's films, but here it feels especially egregious as the wrap-up to a trilogy.

Plot: A blind, retired journalist joins forces with a younger reporter who can see to solve a series of crimes involving a sketchy pharmaceutical company.That's So Argento! Like the other films in Argento's so-called "animal trilogy," his second feature is fairly light on the bloody violence. We do get a wince-worthy sequence, though, when a character crashes through a skylight into an elevator shaft (just go with it) and grabs hold of the cables as he falls which in turn burn and scrape his hands as he tries to slow the fall to his death.Thoughts: Argento's second film is no sophomore slump, but it does mark the beginning of his tendency towards unnecessarily convoluted plots. The story's ultimately the film's weakest element as emerging details just get sillier at every turn, but it finds strength in its style and two leads: Karl Malden and James Franciscus. The latter is just casual fun, but Malden brings real heart and character to the film. That's rarely Argento's strong suit, but Cookie (Malden) is humanized through his relationship with his young niece and becomes something of a Scooby Doo-type investigator in his pursuit of the truth. It's an efficient, smart, and attractive thriller with some memorably stylish visuals and sound.

Plot: A writer witnesses a murder and is drawn into the mystery surrounding the killer's identity.That's So Argento! The opening sequence and murder would become something of a trademark for Argento, and he delivers a doozy with his first feature. Our hero sees something amiss through a gallery window and realizes it's a woman under attack. His attempt to help lands him trapped between two long glass doors – unable to intercede, unable to stop the killer, and unable to look away. It's not nearly as graphic or bloody as later kills in his filmography, but the sequence shows a strong hand overseeing the cinematography, lighting, editing, and production design.Thoughts: Argento not only knocks it out of the park with his first feature but he also succeeds in establishing multiple conceits, ideas, and visual markers that would return throughout his career. We see what the writer sees, and as he would do with his greatest film five years later Argento challenges viewers to recall details alongside the film's protagonist. It adds an interactive nature to the action, but even without it the film's visuals, story, and Ennio Morricone score hold viewers through to the final frames. The mystery at its core is straightforward as the pieces fall into place, and all of it works to build a truly thrilling tale.

Plot: A young American hopeful arrives at a German ballet academy only to discover it's home to murder, witches, and an excessive amount of barbed wire.That's So Argento! There are so many to choose from in this absolute classic, but for my money it's the early double kill that sets the tone and style of what's to come. A woman sees something outside her window, leans in close, and is grabbed by a creature-like arm bursting through the glass. She's stabbed repeatedly – including some thrusts directly into her exposed and still-beating heart – before crashing through a stained glass sunlight, getting caught in an electrical cable, and snapping her neck as she hangs. The camera follows the swinging corpse down to the floor where puddles of blood and broken glass soon reveal her friend has also died as a large shard of glass has severed her face.Thoughts: As Argento's most popular film, there's little to say about it that hasn't already been discussed ad nauseum in the four decades since its release. Sure, the story is light in narrative details and sense, but as an absolutely thrilling sensory event genre fans can hardly do better. The production design is exquisite and precise, the horrifying sequences are imaginative and creative, and it builds towards an ending that feels like a great artist singing at full volume even as every detail strikes with clarity. Goblin's score is its own work of art delivering an ambiance and atmosphere that captures the nightmarish wonder of the film's unfolding. It's a film that tickles, tingles, and thrashes your senses, and you can't help but be grateful for the experience.

Plot: A pianist witnesses a murder and is drawn into the mystery surrounding the killer's identity.That's So Argento! Marcus hears a woman's scream while chatting with a friend on a late-night street and soon witnesses a murder through a window as the woman is slashed, smashed through the glass, and cut further on the sharp shards. Marcus rushes into the building, up the stairs, and into the apartment to help, and as he rushes down the hallway past a dizzying array of paintings and mirrors something is captured by his subconscious memory... and ours.Thoughts: This movie is absolute aces as a giallo, a thriller, and a gorgeous piece of cinema. The mystery is tight and engaging, and Luigi Kuveiller's cinematography displays the violence with the same sharp eye with which it captures the city streets, architecture, and beautiful interiors. Goblin's score, their first for Argento, remains fantastic with an all-timer title track, and Daria Nicolodi's performance is among her best as well as its filled with vitality and wit. There are so many terrific sequences here — Marcus' piano practice interrupted by the sounds of someone in his apartment, a single eye glimpsed in Amanda's closet belonging to the killer preparing to off her, a psychiatrist is visited by a creepy-ass doll before having his teeth smashed all to hell, a villain's demise that would feel right at home in a Final Destination film — and it's undoubtedly Argento's best film.