Kim Kardashian Is A Terrible Actress And For The Good Of Humanity She Should Quit Trying

Against the advice of my better angels, I decided to check out Ryan Murphy's new Hulu show, "All's Fair," which dropped its first three episodes on November 4. Immediately, I had questions. What is Teyana Taylor doing here, and why did her team make her do this? Why is Sarah Paulson talking in a bizarre, booming accent I can only describe as "Transatlantic adjacent?" Is that E from "Entourage?" (Yes, it is Kevin Connolly.) Also, why are we still pretending that Kim Kardashian can act?

Kardashian is many things. She's a shapewear maven, an original reality TV star ... honestly, one could call her a reality TV pioneer. She is not, however, an actress. Kardashian's character on "All's Fair" is, without question, the protagonist, even though the ensemble cast includes luminaries like Niecy Nash-Betts, Glenn Close, Naomi Watts, and the aforementioned Paulson. That protagonist, the absurdly named Allura Grant, works at the female-led divorce firm Grant, Ronson and Greene, which helps women get away from their horrible, cheating, and openly vile future ex-husbands. After being overlooked by male colleagues, Allura and her fellow lawyers and collaborators — Liberty Ronson (Watts), Dina Standish (Close), and firm researcher Emerald Greene (Nash-Betts) — start their own firm where women represent women, which is, I guess, a nice idea.

To say Kardashian is out of her depth on this show is to be kind. Watts, Close, and Nash-Betts — alongside supporting players like Ed O'Neill as Dina's loving husband and Paulson as a rival lawyer named Carrington Lane — also struggle with the show's script, which isn't good, and its trajectory, which is abjectly silly. I need people — people like Murphy — to stop pretending, though, that Kardashian is an actress. She's not!

If you watched "American Horror Story: Delicate" — the 12th overall season of Ryan Murphy's hit anthology series — I'd first like to offer my condolences. If you haven't watched it, you're lucky, but let me fill you in. Based on Danielle Valentine's horror novel "Delicate Condition," the season stars Murphy regular Emma Roberts as actress Anna Victoria Alcott, who's trying to conceive a child with her husband Dexter Harding Jr. ("Gilmore Girls" and "The Resident" veteran Matt Czuchry) using IVF when she starts worrying that someone is following her. So where does Kardashian fit in? She plays Siobhan Corbyn, another character with a patently ludicrous name who works as Anna's PR agent and is determined to get her client a major role that could potentially win Anna an Oscar.

To be fair, Kardashian's acting talent, or significant lack thereof, is way less glaring in "American Horror Story: Delicate" because Siobhan is supposed to be a craven, publicity-hungry ghoul who will do anything for a good headline. (Presented without comment.) Her glaring lack of human emotion and flat line delivery weirdly works for Siobhan's character, because she's supposed to be a vapid, borderline soulless vampire who wants to win every game she plays, no matter the cost. The point is that you're never supposed to identify with Siobhan; she's not there as an empathetic protagonist. Allura Grant, on the other hand? You're supposed to like her. That's the problem.

Buckle up — spoilers for the third episode of "All's Fair" ahead!

In the third episode of "All's Fair," we learn something huge about Allura's personal life. We've already met her famous football star husband, Chase Munroe (Matthew Noszka), who, in the pilot, presents Allura with a diamond ring that supposedly once belonged to Hollywood luminary Elizabeth Taylor to celebrate their anniversary, admitting he doesn't know who Taylor is and then abruptly asks for a divorce later in that very same episode. Thanks to Emerald's expertise in digging up dirt, we find out that Chase is having multiple affairs — one with the law firm's research assistant Milan (Teyana Taylor, who deserves better) and one with transgender sex worker Maria Coulatis (Hari Nef, who also deserves better.) (I'm not the right person to speak to the way this show handles trans issues, but with the utmost due respect to Nef, it's not great!) 

When Dina and Emerald present Allura with damning information and specifics about Chase's affairs, Kardashian has a chance to prove she can actually act. She does not rise to the occasion. "I feel like I'm in a dream," she deadpans as if she's providing a confessional for her still-running reality series "The Kardashians" (which also airs on Hulu). None of Allura's lines, as delivered by Kardashian, contains an ounce of human emotion. Kardashian is performing like a reality TV star, not an actress — and to be fair, she's simply calling on her own training here. She's good at delivering extremely precise and pre-approved "revelations" like someone does on reality TV, but that's not acting; she's just saying words with no meaning behind them. Kardashian, in real life, is what one could charitably call a semi-lawyer. She's not, however, good at playing one on TV.