The Case Against Tyrion Lannister

(Welcome to Debate of Thrones, where a panel of Citadel-trained experts explain why someone deserves, or doesn’t deserve, to sit on the Iron Throne. In this edition: Tyrion Lannister may be a clever man, but he’s the last guy you want calling the shots.)

Don’t let the quips and the flashy entourage fool you, Tyrion Lannister is wrong for Westeros. You may be thinking that Lannisters who don’t sleep with their siblings have a solid record, after all Lord Tywin (rest his soul) saved King’s Landing more than once when our destruction seemed imminent. But the youngest Lannister apple has fallen far from the tree, he may even be a completely different type of fruit if Tywin’s suspicions are to be believed. Wit and wiles can only get someone so far, so let me lay out for you why the Imp of Casterly Rock should never sit on the Iron Throne.

Red-Handed

Now I know what you’re thinking. Tyrion would be a great Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms! He had such an awesome run as Hand of the King back in the day – but was he that awesome? Sure, he managed to root out some corruption, but that ended up with Grand Maester Pycelle in a black cell! Who throws a harmless old man in jail? Tyrion made waves when he arranged a marriage for the lovely Princess Myrcella down in Dorne – which ended with a hostage situation followed by her murder. His greatest achievement was the defense of King’s Landing at the battle of the Blackwater. The thing with the wild fire was pretty cool, but a big chain across the harbor would have been even cooler. I guess he just didn’t have the budget for that back them.

Anyway. Yes, he defended the city against Stannis Baratheon, but it was Tyrion’s father Tywin that saved the day when he arrived with the Tyrell and Lannister troops! In his time as Master of Coin, Tyrion did nothing to help Westeros’ dire financial situation. They say the Lannisters always pay their debts, but I don’t think the Iron Bank would say that about this would-be ruler.

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Lions will eat you alive

The accomplishments of Lord Tywin as hand of the King notwithstanding, can we really trust another Lannister on the Iron Throne? Joffrey was a maniac, Tomnen let religious extremists take over, and then Cersei blew them all away to take power. I know the tragedy of the sept has never been officially pinned on the Lion Queen, but is this really the gene pool we need to keep in power? That’s not even mentioning big brother Kingslayer.

And speaking of slayers and Kings – the Imp’s involvement in the death of King Joffrey still remains a mystery. I know you’ve heard the rumors that the Queen of Thorns owned up to it before the Lannisters pruned her back for good, but Tyrion still didn’t seem all that broken up over his nephew’s death and stated at his trial that he wished he had killed Joffrey. And then there are the people he has killed…

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Patricide shouldn’t pay!

Listen, this is Westeros and none of us are above a bit of brutal homicide when the opportunity arises – someone’s singing the Rains of Castamere too loud in the tavern or orchestrates a truly terrible wedding – it happens. But killing your own father? On the toilet? That’s bad even by our country’s horrible low standards, not to mention that little murder came on the heels of Tyrion strangling his “girlfriend.” Tyrion’s reps claimed he was driven to the deed by his father’s betrayal, but other little birds tell us he was just jealous that Shae the funny whore got a higher bidder for her amorous services – Tywin himself. Tyrion couldn’t take the competition and snapped. Then he fled the country like the guilty party he was!

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Law and Disorder

We want a king who believes in real justice, and Tyrion Lannister isn’t that man. He’s spent his life talking himself into and out of problems, but has he ever had any real respect for the Westerosi courts? No. This man has declined a fair trial (albeit for crimes he probably didn’t commit) in favor of the archaic spectacle of trial by combat not once, but twice! That first time worked out fine, but the second? Who can forget the tragic loss of Prince Oberyn Martell defending Tyrion against the Mountain? No one deserves to get their head smushed like a ripe melon when a jury trial was a viable option and would have had the same outcome. Is that the kind of justice we want our children to grow up defending?

Divided Loyalties

Perhaps we can forgive Tyrion’s Lannister lineage by saying he’s not loyal to that family – after all, he did kill at least one of them, maybe more, and his desire to murder and usurp Queen Cersei is well documented. (Maybe we can’t hold that last one against him, because really, who doesn’t want to murder and usurp Cersei?). But that lack of Loyalty isn’t something that we want to see in a king, and it’s certainly not a good look when all it takes to get Tyrion to switch sides is a competent woman with an eye on upsetting the status quo.

First there’s Sansa Stark. You know, his wife. The legal status of that marriage is an unresolved question, but even recently there have been rumors that Tyrion was ready to pledge himself to his old quasi-flame. If he supports Sansa, Tyrion might just support her cause of Northern independence and where will that get us? Ruler of the SIX kingdoms just doesn’t have the same ring to it.” What’s next? Letting Dorne out of the deal – where would we and Lord Tyrion get our wine?

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Dragon his feet

Then there’s his current job, as Hand to the Dragon Queen, Daenerys Targaryen, breaker of…yada yada. If he’s willing to work for any blonde chippie who’s able to raise dragons from stone and liberate thousands of souls from bondage, who’s to say where his allegiance would lie if he took the throne. And while we’re here, let’s talk about his record as Hand to that would-be ruler. Loss after loss to his own family, two dragons down, a queen madly disappointed in him and what has he got to show for it? My northern sources say he spent the battle of Winterfell hiding in a crypt and didn’t even realize that an enclosed space full of dead bodies might not be the best place to hide when you’re fighting an enemy that can raise the dead! And on top of all of that, he continues to risk the entire kingdom appealing to Cersei Lannister’s humanity?

All in all, Tyrion Lannister displays a lack of loyalty, judgment and forbearance that we just don’t need in Westeros and his qualifications for the throne truly come up short.

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