ron howard's grinch

Whatever you think of Ron Howard’Grinch adaptation, one thing can not be denied: Christine Baranski‘s character in the film is incredibly thirsty for Jim Carrey‘s Grinch, and would very badly like to take him in her loving arms. As Christmas draws closer, let us try to remember the reason for the season: Christine Baranski being overcome with frantic lust to bang a Christmas-hating monster.

What are we to make of Ron Howard’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas, 18 years after its release? The bombastic, Ritalin-needing adaptation of Dr. Seuss’ immortal classic was a massive hit at the box office – the sixth highest grossing film of 2000, and the second-highest grossing holiday film in history (Home Alone is number one).

But reviews were not kind – the adaptation currently sits at 51% on Rotten Tomatoes – and in the years since, Howard’s Grinch has developed a reputation as being, well, kind of awful. Still, there are millennials across the land who grew up with Jim Carrey’s manic pea soup-colored monster, and cherish the adaptation as some kind of Christmas classic.

The barebones of Seuss’ story are there: the Grinch (Carrey), a green meanie living up on Mt. Crumpit, hates the Whos down in Whoville – and he really hates Christmas. Hell-bent on wrecking everyone’s happiness, the Grinch decides to steal all the Christmas presents – and decorations – from Whoville. But the Grinch soon sees the error of his ways, and returns everything to Whoville.

The Dr. Seuss book was only 69 pages (nice), and the 1966 animated adaptation courtesy of Chuck Jones ran only 26 minutes. Which meant Howard needed to expand on the plot a little. He and screenwriters Jeffrey Price and Peter S. Seaman attempted to solve this issue by giving the Whos – including Taylor Momsen’s Cindy Lou Who – more to do. We see the Whos have become blinded by the commercialism of the Christmas season, and have forgotten what the true meaning of Christmas is all about. Cindy Lou is the only Who who seems to know the truth.

Howard also allows Jim Carrey to go wild, which in retrospect was probably a bad idea. Carrey’s performance here is exhausting – he never sits still, running around the film like a chicken with its head cut off. If you told me that Carrey snorted a massive rail of cocaine, then popped some speed, then chugged an entire pot of coffee with extra sugar before shooting his scenes, I’d believe you.

The script also gives the Grinch a backstory. And what a backstory it is! We learn that the Grinch used to live down in Whoville, and the Whos were generally terrible to him because he was so green and hairy. In fact, the bulk of the Whos are assholes in this movie, and they kind of bring their torment on themselves by constantly mocking the Grinch.

It’s within this backstory that the real plot of Ron Howard’s Grinch takes shape. The story isn’t about the Grinch learning to be less Grinch-like. Nor is it about the materialistic Whos realizing that there’s more to Christmas than spending money. Instead, this version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas is telling the story of Christine Baranski and her insatiable urge to fuck the Grinch. 

Christine Baranski the Grinch

Baranski, a legend of stage and screen, gives the best performance in The Grinch, and the bulk of her performance is comprised of trying very hard to tamp down her nearly uncontrollable sexual urges for the Grinch and his shaggy, bulbous body. The actress plays Martha May Whovier, one of the fanciest Whos down in Whoville. When we first meet Martha, she’s set up to be some kind of antagonist. She lives across the street from Cindy Lou Who, and see that Martha and Cindy’s mother, Betty Lou Who (Molly Shannon), are in constant competition to win some sort of Christmas light competition. Martha has a giant Gatling gun that fires lights onto her house, because of course she does.

Her hair perfectly coiffed, her wardrobe impeccable and seasonably appropriate, her lips constantly blood red and parted ever-so-slightly, Martha strikes quite a figure, and as she fires Christmas lights at her house like some kind of crazed warlord, it’s easy to assume she’ll turn into some kind of villain. But no! After this brief introduction, we learn more about Martha. Specifically: we learn that for as long as she’s lived, she’s really wanted to climb into the sack with the Grinch.

While trying to get to the bottom of what makes the Grinch the Grinch, Cindy Lou Who interviews several Whoville residents about the Christmas-hating creature. One of those interviews is with Martha, who plays coy, acting first as if she barely remembers the Grinch from the past. Through the magic of movies, however, we see she’s bluffing. In a flashback, we watch young Martha (played by Landry Allbright) looking at the young Grinch (Josh Ryan Evans) as if he’s some sort of snack while the two are in the same school classroom. It’s more than a little creepy, because both characters are supposed to be very young in this flashback. 

“You know,” young Martha says to the Grinch with a dreamy sigh at one point, “Christmas is my favorite time of year. I just love the colors, the red…and the green.” With this last word, she runs gloved hand across the Grinch’s viridescent face.

“Did I have a crush on the Grinch? Ha ha ha, well of course not!” she offers during this storytelling session, prompting Cindy Lou to say: “I didn’t ask you that…”

In the flashback, we see the other kids mercilessly mock the Grinch, to the point where he has a complete meltdown and runs away to Mount Crumpit. Only Martha shows sympathy towards this emerald-hued monstrosity.

Young Martha The Grinch

Later in the picture, the Grinch crashes down into Whoville, and lands with his big, furry face planted right in the cleavage of Martha’s ample, heaving bosom. Rather than immediately push him away, Martha grows flustered, unable to find the right words. But we all know what those words would be if she could find them: “You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch, and I want to have wild, screaming sex with you!”

Whenever Martha claps eyes on the Grinch, she’s practically panting – her rouged lips hang open, her eyes pop, and she almost has to fan herself, like a Southern belle at a cotillion. So raw and powerful is the sexual energy emanating from the Grinch’s stinky, hairy hide that Martha May Whovier appears to be in a trance whenever he’s in her vicinity.

But the Grinch is an outcast. A loser. A freak. The Whos want nothing to do with him, and against her better judgement, Martha agrees to marry Mayor Augustus May Who (Jeffrey Tambor), even though it’s clear she feels almost nothing for him. The Mayor is a buffoon, whereas in Martha’s wide-eyes, the Grinch is a sexual dynamo, ready to explode.

As The Grinch draws to a close, and the Grinch has brought back all the Who presents, Martha breaks off her engagement to the Mayor. “My heart belongs to…someone else…,” she passionately says. When the Grinch realizes that “someone else” is him, he begins to dance and shriek like a hellish imp, clapping his long-fingered hands and gnashing his huge yellow teeth. Rather than be immediately put-off by the Grinch’s mad prancing, Martha looks ready to jump his Grinchy bones. “Make love to me, Daddy Grinch, right here, in front of all of Whoville!” we can almost hear her shout.

Ron Howard’s movies aren’t known for their sexual undertones – the majority are rather prudish, or downright celibate. Which makes the fact that he made a Grinch Who Stole Christmas movie with a subplot about someone wanting to ride the Grinch six ways to Sunday surprising, to say the least.

And yet, it’s easy to buy Martha’s lusty attraction to the Grinch, primarily because Baranski sells it so well. She’s a phenomenal actress – she knows exactly how to play someone aching to lock the Grinch between her thighs. It’s also clear that this attraction is purely sex-based. It sure as shit isn’t the Grinch’s personality that Martha wants to spend time with. He’s a screaming, shrieking lunatic prone to fits of rage. None of that matters, though. All Martha May Whovier really wants is to have unbridled and wild sexual intercourse with the Grinch. And really, isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

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