The 13 Biggest WTF Moments in ‘Jupiter Ascending’

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The Romance
“Must love dogs.” Hey, look, it’s Channing Tatum. We get it. He’s one lead, she’s the other, they have to fall for each other, right? But they have even less chemistry than the leads of Fifty Shades of Grey, and that’s saying something, because at least one of the Fifty Shades leads seems to be carved from actual wood. In a genre that often features romance awkwardly shoehorned into the story, this love between a woman who is the genetic recreation of the queen of the universe and a part-human, mostly wolf ex-warrior whose artificial wings have been chopped off is even more artificially created than those dog ears.

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Eddie Redmayne
Sometimes great as an actor, I can’t imagine anyone, not even the Wachowskis, know what Eddie Redmayne is doing in this movie as Balem Abrasax. Is he paying homage to Sting’s terrible work in David Lynch’s Dune? Is he aiming not just for camp, but for a galaxy in which camp is literally a religion? His quiet-loud-quiet delivery and histrionic physical performance seem like the unfortunate side effects of experimental medication rather than acting. We get it, he’s the bad guy, but there’s nothing in this performance that suggests the character continues to exist when the camera is turned off. It’s like he’s a demon who winks into existence just to mess up all these pretty shots of a dystopian planet-machine (there again, shades of the Harkonnen planet in Dune) and then blinks away again to stump for Oscars as soon as the camera is off.

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The Matrix
So this movie is about a worker drone who is disconnected from their life who is plucked from everyday existence and revealed to be a key player in a much larger game that uses humanity as a raw resource, but our central hero is the one person who may be perfectly primed to save humanity from their fate as an endcap product in a great galactic Target? OK, cool, where have we heard that before? It sounds so familiar, but we’re pretty sure this is an original story.

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