Every Single Christmas Horror Movie Ranked From "Lump Of Coal" To "Turbo Man"

Here's an insider tip for any aspiring entertainment journalists who might be reading this beastly feature: when pitching an idea to your editor, always know the workload before presenting your case. Like, for example, if you agree to rank every Christmas horror movie (possible), don't cockily scoff a "I've seen a bunch already, how many can there actually be?" Because there's probably eighty-flippin-eight, at most thirty of which you've digested fully. That's not even counting on-the-cusp arguables like Babes In Toyland (1934) and Santa Claus (1959).

Good thing you're reading the words of a fighter. When adversity throws a peppermint punch, we've no choice but to strike right back – and that's what I did.

Out of my definitive list of 88 Christmas Horror movies, only six are without description from me for a simple reason: money. I'm sorry /Film readers. The bulleted list below were only available on Amazon for DVD order with prices starting at $15 and ranging as high as $54.56. For Deadly Little Christmas, a low-budget horror flick with a 3.0 IMDB rating. I might be a completionist, but I'm also on a budget. Either ship me a copy for being such a good boy this year or watch these at your own risk:

The rest? Here we go. 82 Christmas Horror films ranked from "A fleck of coal" (worst) to "Turbo Man Action Figure" (best). Now where's that celebratory bottle of whiskey Krampus left for me...

Dir. Richard Chandler

Starring: George Raynor

So the boys over at Film School Rejects – led by /Film local Rob Hunter – apparently made a bet that if they included Silent Night Dead Night on their own list of Christmas horror movies, I'd watch it. They were right. Rest assured, vengeance will be swift and Christmas themed, because Richard Chandler's "Scrooge is a hood pimp" revamp is in no way a horror movie despite the very bloody-axe-front-and-center poster. Consider this a warning for you, the reader, and a declaration of war against you, Rob Hunter (and your Tinsel Boy lackies).

Dir. Noel Tan

Starring: DJ Perry, Anne Gauthier, Issa Litton

Ever fantasize about Christmas in the Philippines? Well here's a worst-case scenario of how it might play out. A found-footage Xmas celebration without an ounce of snow or any real decoration spliced with East-meets-West mythology. Blandifying in its lack of subgenre enthusiasm that blurs framing and depletes tension like many forgettable "discovered evidence" videos before.

Dir. Kevin Strange

Starring: Kevin Strange, Joshitsuo Montoya

Cheech and Chong Lite with a do-it-yourself vibe. Drink every time Nixon says "titties" within the first two minutes. Take a shot whenever Santa Claus talks about self-gratification in front of the reindeer. I really enjoyed the part where zombie Santa calls two college girls "fuckmeat," and by enjoyed, I mean I'd rather smoke myself into a paranoid haze than sit through another offensive-for-laughs second of this wack-ass street trash.

Dir. Jason Hull

Starring: A.J. Leslie, Shawn C. Phillips, Melantha Blackthorne, R.A. Mihailoff

A sequel to Krampus: The Christmas Devil – except with more child beating and purposely-distorted synth keyboards butchering Christmas carols. Dialogue as rigid as an icicle, overused fade-to-black editing, a lunatic cop's return (translation: more focus on procedural drama than action), chesty female thugs – huh? Just a lot of Krampus peeping in suburban windows and someone uttering the phrase "farting turtles." Oh, and Krampus is forgotten for, like, an entire middle act. Just...shrugs.

Dir. Dave Campfield

Starring: Dave Campfield, Paul Chomicki, Deron Miller, Linnea Quigley, Lloyd Kaufman, Debbie Rochon

Caesar and Otto may have found underground comedic success back in 2007, but their childishly meta Christmas slasher haplessly fails to prove how. References span Silent Night, Deadly Night to the Silent Night remake, barely with the satirical gusto of Aaron Seltzer's severed pinky toe. Writer/Director/Actor Dave Campfield jests (on screen) about how his screenwriting professor would hate every scene that's scribbled down, and such desperate attempts to laugh away no-budget restraints becomes as blatantly annoying as they sound. Paste-in audio design, camera lensing that changes frame to frame, genre cameos like a gun to the head – this inexplicable Laurel and Hardy knockoff is a Christmas gift from Satan (and not in a fun Christmas Horror way).

Dir. Jason Hull

Starring: Jay Dobyns, Darin Foltz, Richard Goteri, A.J. Leslie

In this one, "Santa" and "Krampus" are working together – naughty vs. nice duties, I guess. Also, it's a police procedural based on one law enforcer's kidnapping experience as a child. There are lines like "that won't bring all those dead babies back" and favored gunplay, but no real Krampus goodies. This is a criminally boring Krampy take more focused on cop-on-cop melodrama and cold, dull facts.

Dir. Anthony Perkins

Starring: Donna Dixon, Joe Alaskey, Jeff Kober, Lin Shaye

From Psycho III director Anthony Perkins – his only other directorial credit – comes a movie cobbled from rejected Naked Gun gags and Donner tie-ins baked twelve shades too raw. The story, about a rotund schmuck whose potential wives keep leaving him, ends with the yuck-failing loser being chosen as Christmas dinner. Lead actor Joe Alaskey stammers and Dangerfields his way through jokes hammier than Christmas dinner, Perkins never retains any "dark comedy" and the whole affair falls embarrassingly limp. So tongue-in-cheek the tongue penetrates said cheek – a visual that's still be better than any of the material in Lucky Stiff. Imagine bombing at the Apollo in the '80s. This is somehow worse.

Dir. Robert Conway

Starring: Monica Engesser, Amelia Haberman, James Ray

In this Krampus movie, our patron saint of Christmas evil is bound to some twig-figure found in the woods by an immortal(?) girl. Whenever little miss darkness gets mad, Krampus comes and lights whoever "wronged" her on fire (Krampus, in PlayStation One pixelated form). Pure lameness sans one or two quick glimpses that appear to be competent effects (before CGI blurs all) and one hilarious line delivery in the form of "Mom, there's a drunk cop at the door." All in all, extremely missable and in the least fun way (SO. MUCH. YAMMERING.).

Dir. Robert David Sanders

Starring: Barbara Streifel Sanders, Joseph Dunn, Ian Malcolm

It's the Christmas season, electricity goes dark and an alien race starts decapitating an apartment complex full of targets. Sounds like genre fun, but Robert David Sanders presses hard on expectancies that become tiresome after mere minutes – not to mention all the goofs. Why aren't glasses of water rippling during "tremor" sequences? Why is a small child who's "stuck in the basement" found at the highest point of an elevator shaft? How can a character punch away his scaly attacker's piercing tail when before it sliced through flesh like butter? It's not worth the headache, I assure you.

Dir. Robert Conway

Starring: Amelia Brantley, Emily Lynne Aiken, Dujhan Brown

Krampus: Unleashed is the second Robert Conway Krampus movie on this list – neither of which are connected. This one a slight upgrade, if only for the numerous intestine rips and actual Krampus costume. Conway rips guts out like that's the only practical effect his team perfected – sorry, a few decapitations do sneak in – and it's one soulless affair.

Dir. Martin Kitrosser

Starring: Mickey Rooney, Brian Bremer, Clint Howard, Jane Higginson,

I'll admit, there's something sexually traumatizing about a life-sized Ken doll humping a female character with his smoothed-off crotch bump while screaming "I love you mommy!" This is way after Mickey Rooney is introduced as Joe Petto, a toy store owner who...well, let's just say he has a teenage son named Pino. Joe Petto. Pino. Whatever you're thinking right now, yes. Part 5 is a tremendous departure from the first three – on insanity par with Part 4 – and has nothing to do with Ricky Caldwell from earlier entries (except Clint Howard maybe reprises his role as "Ricky" from Part 4 because how many Ricky's can there be in the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise?).

Dir. Charles Band

Starring: Gary Busey, Robin Sydney, Ryan Locke, Larry Cedar

Is The Gingerdead Man truly Christmas Horror? A doughy delinquent's murder spree isn't tethered to the Xmas holiday itself, but when else do you eat gingerbread? Plus, how do I NOT include a possessed inanimate object flick that stars Gary Busey? It's not very good – and the sequels have even less festive connection so they're not included – but hey, you can't have Christmas without milk and cookies.

Dir. Michael Cooney

Starring: Christopher Allport, Doug Jones, Jennifer Lyons, Scott MacDonald, Ian Abercrombie

The first time I ever watched this Jack Frost sequel was pre-horror obsession. Up late one night, with endless cable stations at my choosing. "A killer snowman movie that takes place on a paradise resort? Cooing snowballs? I'm in." Easy choice, right? Well, let's just say execution is just as wonky as the description – hammy performances, insane kills that lack the spirit of the original frosty spree. It's the "...In Space" kind of sequel to a franchise yet to be established past one lucky dice-roll. And there's a reason why Jack hasn't been heard from since.

Dir. Jeff Mandel

Starring: Dan Haggerty, Julie Austin, Deanna Lund

What a perfected cheesefest for midnight watches fueled by spiked eggnog or coco. From the film's insane story – "A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil Nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen" – to a single elf puppet whose face doesn't even come with moving parts (even though the movie is titled "Elves" plural), this is so-bad-it's-good as only the '80s and Dan Haggerty can deliver. I mean, a sober mall Santa who constantly spouts exposition by talking to himself has to save a teenager who's slapped by her Grandpa and abused by her mother all within the first 10 minutes – and then the murderous elf shows up followed by Nazi goons. 20/10 entertainment rating, 1.5/5 cinematic value. Your choice (but watch it).

Dir. Mike McMurran

Starring: Annette Wozniak, Brent Baird, Tony Nash

How there hasn't been a seasonal slasher titled "Secret Santa" before 2015 is beyond this genre reviewer, but here it is, for better and worse. Typical drunk Christmas fun-seekers attempt to hook up, get wasted and trade presents. Expected slasher villain starts picking them off one by one. The problem? We never care because most these exaggerated student stereotypes are so annoying we pray for their swift demise, no matter how hard you try to play nice for Santa. One or two fun kills, but the party's over before it even begins.

Dir. Craig Anderson

Starring: Dee Wallace, Geoff Morrell, David Collins, Sarah Bishop, Janis McGavin

The casting of Dee Wallace doesn't make for an instant holiday horror classic. Don't get me wrong, Red Christmas goes for some gory kills, but man, cinematography and lensing recreates an HD home recording, and we're not even talking "found footage." Mix that with an abortion subtheme and a slasher villain whose mask does little to strike fear and yeah, you've got yourself a "red" Christmas. Also "grating," "underdeveloped" and "too reliant on kills."

Dir. Stephen Carpenter, Jeffrey Obrow

Starring: Daphne Zuniga, Laurie Lapinski, Stephen Sachs

Even for an '80s slasher, very little substance of consequence occurs in The Dorm That Dripped Blood until a finale that tries to punk you something fierce. Misdirection like a brick to the face. Death sequences go practical with such utter dummification that some laughs are shared (a great drill-to-the-head bit with a plastered noggin), but alas, storytelling is not this collegiate goodwill project's forte. Who would rather empty out a dormitory over going home for Christmas vacation, anyway?

Dir. Todd Nunes

Starring: Ashley Mary Nunes, Jessica Cameron

Upon the film's first kill – a gruesome shower attack – slasher fans may think Santa has come early. In a very indie regard, gore effects assure nothing will be held back and it looks pretty damn good compared to similar affairs. But then? Lackluster ploting recycles the same scantily-clad "sex bimbos" formula since those who are at their most naked always seem to die. A male-gazy throwback no less, yet "shock" is used so much that severed wieners become an expectancy, not squeal-first surprise. Sex, death, and a literal bag of dicks gratify the film's absurd trainwreck of a finale – a mother's love gone one snip too far.

Dir. Michael Neel

Starring: Duane Bruce, Tara Henry, Michael Neel

It's the dystopian future. Santa lives on a ranch with his robo-reindeer (Randolph, lol) and a rescue named Martha. Gladiatorial Thunderdome victories are the only way to collect food. Yup, this animated Mad Max retread is every ounce as madcap as descriptions suggest. Right down to Santa devouring the corpse of his enemy just to survive. A wonderful 45-minute gag, but clocking in over 90 minutes, this rough-around-the-edges cartoon gets old, onkey lobster monsters, flying lizard beasts, robot assassins and all.

Dir. A.D. Calvo

Starring: Amy Crowdis, Robin Lord Taylor, Josh Caras

As Christmas horror goes, The Melancholy Fantastic might be the most far-flung relation when it comes to mainstream opinions. A girl, her cracked-face doll and crushing amounts of grief. A.D. Calvo knows a slow-burn (Sweet, Sweet Lonely Girl gets a nod), but there's a lot of dead air here that could have been reignited. Only worth a recommendation to the more "ambitious" seasonal "art-house horror" seekers.

Dir. Scott Stewart (segment)

Starring: Seth Green, Clare Grant

Ranking based on the Christmas short, not Holidays as a whole. I rather liked this anthology film overall.

Scott Stewart's (Legion) Christmas gift-giving disaster gets points for avoiding an easy holiday massacre, focusing instead on the impending cultural takeover of virtual reality headsets and internet databases. Seth Green stars as a distraught father who'll do anything to snag a UVU headset (think Oculus Rift), in a very struggling-family-man-frustrated-with-life kind of way. Of course the toy store is sold out when Green arrives, but through unsavory means he secures the hot-ticket item. It's one of those technological warning motifs, but a weaker "twist" ending ruins the larger potential inherent in the societal commentary. A great idea, but a bit underbaked.

Dir. David Brooks

Starring: Alice Eve, Josh Peck, Brian Geraghty

One location, multiple bodies, and a nameless killer – check. No backbone, no real twist, just an exploitation of isolated trappings – boo. ATM wraps feeling incomplete and without meaning, like some bad PSA about the dangers of night snacking or late night cash withdrawals. Do everything you can to void this transaction.

Dir. Glen Morgan

Starring: Katie Cassidy, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert, Kristen Cloke, Andrea Martin, Crystal Lowe, Oliver Hudson, Karin Konoval

As far as 2000s slasher remakes go, there is midnight fun to be had with this decades-jumping update. Sure, Billy and Agnes' reveal is horrendously botched – forever my gripe – but some of you may have enough fun with sorority babes running for their lives. Take everything about the original, strip the dread, replace it with model sorority hotties of the decade and presto, you've got the Black Christmas remake.

Dir. Christian James

Starring: Dan Palmer, Antonia Bernath, Mark Holden

Has there been a single-setting thriller from inside a bathroom stall yet? I don't think so. During Christmas? Definitely not. With zombies? You're speaking' my language, Stalled. Even better is the very slapstick British sensibility of director Christian James and writer/actor Dan Palmer who evoke short bursts of Edgar Wright during his Spaced period, specifically a drug-trip hallway dance number with undead backup waltzers.

Dir. Ian Emes

Starring: Sam McMurray, Ann Magnuson, Bug Hall, Sandy Baron, Mary Woronov, Elaine Hendrix

When you sign up for a Munsters Christmas special, you know exactly what to expect. Syndicated sight gags and super-cheesy family humor helps lil' Eddie find the Christmas spirit once again. Santa turns into a fruitcake, elves chant "Silicon!" when fantasizing about supermodels (I heard that correctly, right?), over-the-top Creepsmas decorations displease neighbors and win over pretentious judges. This is expectedly enjoyable for Munsters fans and introductory holiday horror lovers alike.

Dir. Gunther von Fritsch, Robert Wise

Starring: Simone Simon, Kent Smith, Jane Randolph

Blessed be a Hollywood era that understood marathon running lengths aren't required to develop intricate stories. It only takes 70 minutes for The Curse of The Cat People to turn a child's preference of imaginary friends over real ones into a mysterious tale of parental encouragement and inherent hang-ups. The little girl almost dies in the process, but everything ends with a hint of sweetness thanks to an interwoven ghost story.

Dir. Curtis Harrington

Starring: Shelley Winters, Mark Lester, Chloe Franks, Ralph Richardson

As far as Hansel and Gretel reimaginings go – Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters being the best obviously – this British import is a maniacal mother's nightmare mixed with the upstanding charm of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Delightful little orphan runts who sound like they've ingested helium run away from a poor benefactor who hosts a Christmas party. The children, think Mrs. Forrest to be a witch; Mrs. Forrest is an otherwise demented socialite who likens one of the orphans to be her replacement daughter. More comical guffaws than horror, but if you're into dark '70s fairy tales, this may just suit your tastes.

Dir. Gregory Jacobs

Starring: Emily Blunt, Ashton Holmes, Martin Donovan, Ned Bellamy

Before ridesharing underwent the (loose) security of Uber and Lyft vetting, carpool movies like Wind Chill were still possible. A pretty young college girl requiring a ride back home for Christmas; the nervous stalker who fabricates a whole persona just to drive for 6-hours in a locked car with his crush. That's not even the worst of it. The car careens off the road after an intentional swerve from an oncoming driver, stranding both travelers alongside a quiet winter's landscape where time stops. Intentions are exposed and hooded tormentors walk free in what stands as a serviceable paradox thriller, at the very least as a creepy first-date nightmare that exploits forced "nice guy" syndrome.

Dir. Michael Cooney

Starring: Shannon Elizabeth, Scott MacDonald, Christopher Allport, F. William Parker

Jack Frost is Child's Play except instead of a doll it's a snowman and instead of voodoo transference it's genetic sludge. A serial killer's soul finds itself in a snowman (yes) and he goes on a frozen killing spree sprinkled with terrible/fantastic puns. Sled decapitations, Picasso rearrangements and Shannon Elizabeth's first acting role (which might be one of my favorite holiday horror deaths). Director Michael Cooney never sets out to make a serious slasher flick, and with that in mind, Jack Frost ends up being far more fun than it has any right to be. Just don't confuse this for the Michael Keaton film if you're babysitting.

Dir. Steven C. Miller

Starring: Malcolm McDowell, Jaime King, Donal Logue, Ellen Wong

An overlooked gem when it comes to jollified genre treats, Steven C. Miller's Silent Night is a loose remake of 1984's infamous Silent Night, Deadly Night that sacrifices not an ounce of madness. The cast is stellar – Malcolm McDowell does that for a movie – and deaths so brutal that Billy Chapman would even shed a tear. Woodchipper chomping, axe defacing, Mr. Flamethrower – so many fond memories. What more can you ask for? (Don't answer that.)

Dir. Robert Zemeckis, Freddie Francis

Starring: John Kassir, Mary Ellen Trainor, Larry Drake, Marshall Bell, Joan Collins

The Crypt-Keeper's evil Xmas story has seen two incarnations. First as part of Freddie Francis' 1972 film with Joan Collins as his muse, then revamped in 1989 by director Robert Zemeckis, written by Fred Dekker. Zemeckis' 22-minute home invasion thriller plays its cards right by packing two delicious twists into a simple story. Cue a lot – I mean a LOT – of actress Mary Ellen Trainor's blood-curdling victim's scream. This is a bedtime story for the criminally insane. A fun little party starter, if you ask me.

Dir. Serge Meynard

Starring: Quentin Baillot, Armelle Deutsch, Jean-Pierre Lorit

In America, direct-to-television Christmas specials are all about romance, covert Santas and wishes coming true. In France, apparently you can get hostage situations structured around infidelity, corporate scumminess and making seasons a whole lot darker. La Nuit du Reveillon (titled Silent Night Bloody Night stateside) is a slice of Bûche de Noël when you're expecting stale sugar cookies if only because the "televised" distribution makes us wince based on experience.

Dir. Aldo Lado

Starring: Flavio Bucci, Macha Méril, Gianfranco De Grassi, Marina Berti, Irene Miracle

Maybe don't watch this one with the family on Christmas? Aldo Lado's savage exploitation journey depicts sexually explicit assaults that torment the eyes and psyche, all set to a signature Ennio Morricone score. Two thugs and a socialite nymphomaniac take two innocent girls hostage on an overnight train ride, and yes, there's murder. Also vengeance on the backside. For a '70s Italian poke-the-bear pedal pusher? There's certainly nothing to "love" – but plenty to appreciate from a cinematic standpoint.

Dir. David Steiman

Starring: Bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith, Emilie de Ravin, Robert Culp, Dave Thomas, Saul Rubinek, Rebecca Gayheart, Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher, James Caan

My love for Santa's Slay is real. Bill Goldberg as Santa, AKA the Antichrist. Explosive presents that behead children. Chris Kattan getting the everloving holiday snot beaten out of him. What isn't there to love here? It's certainly tipping the scale of comedy more than horror, but that's fine given how much stupid fun there is to be had. A perfect kind of Netflix watch with some spiked goodies and emphasis on getting lost in Creepsmas cheer – nothing wrong with stupid fun now and again.

Dir. Grant Harvey, Steven Hoban, Brett Sullivan

Starring: William Shatner, George Buza, Rob Archer, Julian Richings, Zoé De Grand Maison, Alex Ozerov

I'm a real sucker for anthology horror and A Christmas Horror Story is one of the most underrated gems in both Xmas and indie horror of the past few years. Radio DJ "Dangerous" Dan (played by William Shatner) rings in another merry season for his listeners in the form of not-so-nice holiday tales. Tree cutting mishaps, found footage scares, zombie elves, a throwdown between Krampus and Santa – not every segment is a winner, but the quality ratio favors audiences.

Dir. Tom Shankland

Starring: Eva Birthistle, Stephen Campbell Moore, Hannah Tointon, Rachel Shelley, Jeremy Sheffield

Could you kill a child if they started killing first? That's what Tom Shankland's The Children dares to ask, as a rage-virus like disease turns daughters and sons against their parents. Opening scenes begin like any indie might, some wobbly acting and a bizarre setup – but then the children warp innocence into a playtime victim hunt. What's promised is delivered – terrifying tots and a savage fight for survival – in what might be one of the season's more unsung holiday must-sees.

Dir. Jason Eisener

Starring: Jonathan Torrens, Sarah Dunsworth

Yes, this is the only short film I'll be including here because Treevenge is, bar none, the most enjoyable holiday horror stocking stuffer (at 20-ish minutes). A revolution rages as Christmas trees fight back against the humans who harvest, decorate and plant their corpses for entertainment value. Is it insane? Of course! Prickly furs hopping on their chopped stumps and talking in a forest language. Grotesque kill sequences with snaking branches and practical blood effects gushing from a whole range of victims. It just isn't Christmas anymore unless I watch Treevenge.

Dir. Álex de la Iglesia

Starring: Álex Angulo, Armando De Razza, Santiago Segura, Terele Pávez, Nathalie Seseña, Maria Grazia Cucinotta

Christmas Eve, an antichrist's birth and three heroic eccentrics: the sin-embracing man of God, the patched-up metal head, the televised soothsayer celebrity. These details would be odd to most cinematic worlds, but Álex de la Iglesia is an accomplished conveyor when it comes to shadowy oddities. "El Día De La Bestia" is no different, melding cultist doomsdaying with a wryly comical vibe that would pave a golden genre road for the enthusiastic filmmaker. The Witch, eat your heart out. De La Iglesia was making evil goats cool way before 2016. A buddy comedy with a heavy helping of headbanging and religious blasphemy. What else is worth watching around Christmas!

Dir. Michael Dougherty

Starring: Emjay Anthony, Adam Scott, Toni Collette, Stefania LaVie Owen, Krista Stadler, Conchata Ferrell, Allison Tolman, David Koechner

With Krampus, Michael Dougherty dances a very thin line between dark forces and family values. He's not just here for demonic toy creatures and Krampus scares. A story is told about the true spirit of Christmas, compassion and our gross over-commercialization during December holiday seasons. Don't get me wrong, it's not without fangs – ask Mr. Teddy – but the ambiguity of an ending that's either redemption or damnation asks a valuable question of intent and life's greatest joys.

Of course, to tell that story, Dougherty pits a celebrating family against a hungry jack-in-the-box, minion elves and one gigantic cloven-footed Krampus. Better to not give up on yearly cheer than learn a lesson from this beastly teacher – no matter how fun this whimsical genre warning may be.

Dir. Julien Maury, Alexandre Bustillo

Starring: Alysson Paradis, Béatrice Dalle

Ho-ly baby drama. Inside will leave you gasping for air, clenching extremities and utterly gut-torn from 80-ish consecutive minutes Paradis-on-Dalle primal abuse. A pregnant mother-to-be fighting against a rival female invader who intends to harvest the not-even-newborn and run. Father dead, neighboring families gone to their own festivities. Good thing, too – there's so much blood and gore in this flick it probably spilled over into the surrounding yards. This is a seriously sick, sadistic, traumatic, violating watch of dueling mamas that cannot be undersold. Bustillo and Maury earned their provocateur status starting with Inside – you better believe each wince and cringe is doubly earned (while also being a tremendously wrought survival horror flick that breaks down the safety of home and leaves a mess of French maternal extremist gunk behind).

Dir. Joe Dante

Starring: Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, Hoyt Axton, Corey Feldman, Dick Miller

As I continue to replay Gremlins year after year, the magic never fades. Cookie baking with Grandma, tree chopping excursions, a comfy Gremlins watch sometime in December – these are festive traditions as far as I'm concerned. Joe Dante is forever credited with stringing together family-friendly mayhem, irreplaceable creature hijinx and playful Christmas storytelling without sacrificing ambition. A Looney Tunes episode with Dante's maniac twists drawn in, if you will. How better to celebrate than with everyone's favorite Mogwai, nasty Gremlin flashers and an entire town being overrun with frolicking jesters of destruction?

The joy I get from Gremlins equals that of a normal movie fan's affinity towards stop-motion Hermey or Dr. Seuss' Grinch. It's not Christmas until Mrs. Deagle is flying out a window or Phoebe Cates is landing one of the quintessential (anti) Xmas monologues ever to hit cinema. No CGI, hyper zaniness. Sweet lord if a new Gremlins doesn't follow this exact formula (because you know they're going to make one), someone will owe me an explanation.