The Batman Oreos Will Allow You To Taste Darkness, No Parents

When you are a dark and brooding vigilante like Batman, you have to commit. I mean, really commit. You dress in black. You live in black. You have a cave with bats. You drive a black car that is named after your dark persona. You have bat symbols on everything you own. You even write music about your blacked-out windows and other places that are dark. You drink your coffee black, which is the very same color as your soul. Did you know Batman's parents died? I mean, no one ever talks about that or shows it in every film ever made about Batman. It's understandable that you weren't aware. (His mom's name is Martha, by the way, and that's probably important as well.) 

When you are Batman, you must taste the darkness as well. You need something dark to dunk in your black coffee after your make your lobster thermidor for one. (Lobsters are the darkest of the crustaceans, you know.) Fear not, fellow denizens of the night. There is a cookie to suit your superhero needs.  

What Else Would You Dunk in Your Black Coffee?

If you're a lucky brooding superhero, you might just be able to purchase Batman Oreos in addition to a ton of other items promoting the new film "The Batman" starring Robert Pattinson, Zoë Kravitz, and Colin Farrell. Here is the info, straight from the darkest of press releases:

In select markets around the world (excluding the U.S.), Oreo will replace the classic Oreo cookie embossment with a "The Batman" emblem. These limited-edition Oreos will have custom "The Batman" designed packaging. Fans can also enter a "The Batman" themed sweepstakes in select regions and engage in fun social media campaigns and activities provided by Oreo.

Alas, we have no idea what you might win in this sweepstakes, but I'll bet it's dark. What if they don't sell these Oreos in your region? Might I suggest you put on your very darkest black clothing, drive to wherever they're selling them and ... don't just buy them. Find someone else who has them in their hands in the grocery store, sneak up behind them and say, "I'm Batman" in your graveliest voice, then grab them and run to the checkout.* You cannot truly be the Dark Knight without the darkest of snack foods. (I would also submit that candy corn-flavored Oreos are truly the darkest and most evil of Oreos, and therefore your nemesis.)

"The Batman" will hit theaters on March 4, 2022. Don't forget to share your cookies with Catwoman.

*Not good advice. Do not do this.