The Best Characters In Spider-Man: No Way Home, Ranked

J. Jonah Jameson is ostensibly Alex Jones in "Spider-Man: No Way Home" and, in the parlance of an infamous meme, he always has been. Jameson is a hack. His cowardice yields cheapness and cut corners. There is nothing Jameson won't do or say to force a story into the shape he desires. In "No Way Home," that is his one defining factor. It's as solid as the green screen he pontificates in front of. 

The problem? That's all there is.

I am thrilled with "Spider-Man: No Way Home." But I was also thrilled for a film in which J. Jonah Jameson was going to serve as a credible threat to the ol' webhead, not merely the catalyst for multiversal madness. Many other villains from Raimi and Webb's Spider-Man films get their due here. Not so with J. Jonah. He is who he's always been: a hack, more one-dimensional than ever.

As I wrote in an earlier article for /Film, the Sandman is the broken heart of "Spider-Man 3," a man whose happiness has been slipping like, well, sand through his fingers for far too long. Realized almost entirely through ghoulish CGI, Thomas Haden Church's distrusting heavy is a character who speaks about the pathos of his situation, but never gets a chance to really show it. We are meant to feel for a man-shaped tower of sand whose aesthetic belongs on a Sega Dreamcast. Simply put, it doesn't work — or rather, it works in service of other, more important characters, but doesn't allow Sandman to stand on his own two feet.

As with the Lizard, having some villains take a backseat is vital to balance out the larger film. But James Badge Dale's Coldblood was a backseat passenger in "Iron Man 3" and quietly emerged as one of the MCU's most memorable bad guys. Elizabeth Debicki's Ayesha has minimal screen time in "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2," but audiences leave James Gunn's movie wishing to know more about her. In "No Way Home," Flint Marco doesn't rise above the role he has in this specific film, which is mostly an uninteresting one.

Flash Thompson is the tech-bro Peter Parker could've been in a different life. His hero worship is enhanced by his endless resources. An extravagant Audi? Not an issue for Flash (or Tony Stark). Irrationally confident TikToks? As easy as Cap throwing his shield. Flash builds his entire personality out of how he is perceived, as if his legitimate intelligence is a perk of his massive privilege.

 In "No Way Home," we see that Flash is unable to perceive himself. Confronted with the truth that Peter Parker is Spider-Man, Flash collapses in spite of the walls he's built around his sheltered existence. We see the cracks form in a terrific early one-shot. We watch him struggle to fix them as Peter extricates much needed info from Flash at an MIT mixer. Flash is now the person he might have been if he'd ever been humbled by life, a guy whose future is still on a silver platter, but who looks less emotionally certain than ever. Maybe Peter, in his own way, also saved Flash, too.

Doctor Strange is an emotional McGuffin in "No Way Home," a character who exists mostly to set the plot in motion and, more importantly, help disguise the film's true emotional center, May Parker. Strange is the latest powerful (and often goateed) man that Tom Holland's Peter Parker has run to for help, coming on the heels of Mysterio and Nick Fury in "Far From Home," and Tony Stark before them. In its first trailers, that decision gave "No Way Home" the uneasy scent of something that feels too familiar. Some assumed that Doctor Strange was Mysterio in disguise. Others made light of his Tony-like appearance. In either case, it didn't feel quite right.

I am both thrilled and heartbroken to report that, no, it wasn't right at all.

Peter Parker's story is, sadly, one of taking a loved one for granted and building a life out of the shattering consequences of that flaw. In most iterations, that's Peter's Uncle Ben. In the MCU, it's Marisa Tomei's Aunt May. It's a choice that retroactively improves "Homecoming" and "Far From Home." Peter, it seems, has been searching for his next Uncle Ben over three separate movies. He didn't realize that she was right in front of him until it was much too late. As a character, Strange serves as a fantastic distraction, and has no shortage of sarcastic charm. But it's the fact he's merely a red herring that lingers in the mind long after "No Way Home" has ended.

Many of the best moments in "Spider-Man: No Way Home" concern identity. Most of those involve the various Peters, but others, no less crucially, concern Peter's best friend, Ned. Ned sees himself as "the guy in the chair." When Ned gets played like a fiddle during an early interrogation scene in "No Way Home," it's because his self-forged identity as Spidey's right-hand man is a massive point of pride, the power-up that lets Ned fight by Peter's side, not in his shadow.

Like most identities, however, the "guy in a chair" is just a construct. One of the things that's gorgeous about "No Way Home" is how often it goes out of its way to show us that Ned is, as it turns out, magic. He winds up summoning not one but two Spider-Men into his grandmother's kitchen. Later, he opens a portal that brings Doctor Strange to the showdown on the Statue of Liberty. Ned isn't really the "guy in the chair." He's Peter's secret weapon. And when Ned, along with MJ, holds Peter in the wake of May's passing, his capacity for love is fully revealed. We knew that Ned was fun prior to "No Way Home," but in its wake his identity can be better summed up in one word: vital.

There's a throwaway moment in "No Way Home" that I can't stop thinking about. While being held for questioning, MJ is referred to as Michelle Jones-Watson. Without missing a beat, MJ issues a correction: "Just MJ. No Watson." You could argue that this is fan service, an Easter egg that confirms that Zendaya's character is a spin on comic book canon. I say that it means more than that. 

In both the comics and the Sam Raimi films, Mary Jane is born to an abusive, alcoholic father, Phillip Watson. She's not just acting aloof for cred. She's walled off her heart to protect herself from danger. In "Spider-Man," Peter overhears her father's violence and comforts MJ after an exchange that makes her flee her home. Ostensibly, he comes to her rescue. By contrast, "No Way Home" implies that Zendaya's MJ has already rescued herself. Just MJ. No Watson.

This is the triumph of the Watts trilogy's MJ. She's a character whose depths are often easy to miss in the wake of Zendaya's effortless charm. In "No Way Home," MJ is a devoted partner. She's a kind friend. She's occasionally the funniest person on screen, and a genuine threat to Spidey's rogue's gallery. She doesn't need Peter. She can just be MJ. But that knowledge is why the film's third act strikes viewers like a brick sack. I'm guessing that you can't stop thinking about it either.

For audience members who know Spider-Man primarily through the movies, Aunt May has always been there. She's been played by three sterling actresses, each with their own unique spin on the role. Her influence has been steadfast, and her affection equally so. There are so many good May moments across the Spider-Man movies that it's hard to pick a favorite, but the one-two punch of Rosemary Harris kicking Joel McHale's bank teller in "Spider-Man 2" and Sally Field crying buckets when she tells Peter that he's her boy in "The Amazing Spider-Man 2" should prove that May is, and always has been, a knockout character.

But, as of "No Way Home," the most memorable moment of Aunt May's onscreen career now belongs to Marissa Tomei.

No, it's not her death. It's how she races to keep Peter alive. It's not Peter's face when Aunt May passes. It's how clearly Aunt May's parting words make both him and the audience realize that she has been an advocate for the balance between power and responsibility since we first met Tomei's version of the character in 2017. We, like Peter, have both loved May and taken her for granted. In that gorgeous, horrifying, heartbreaking death scene, we catch up to who Aunt May really is. She has always been there. Now she isn't, and the size of that loss reveals the inimitable strength of her character.

There's a serious chance that Andrew Garfield wins an Oscar for "Tick, Tick... Boom!" He certainly deserves to. And, if he does, it will be the capstone of a year in which Garfield's operatic exuberance received an overdue reevaluation. There's no world in which Garfield should've borne the brunt of Sony's mistakes with "The Amazing Spider-Man." But this is the world we live in, and the experience of watching Garfield's Spider-Man find some on screen redemption is one of 2021's most cathartic cinematic moments.

Garfield is the funniest character in "No Way Home." He gets the film's best lines. He makes every character around him better. What's more, the decision to have Gwen Stacy's death be a heavy burden on him every day since the events of "The Amazing Spider-Man 2" ended adds weight to a callous creative decision. His Peter Parker is proof that being a hero can turn someone into an exposed nerve. And when he catches MJ, finally redeeming his biggest failure, an explosion goes off in the audience's brain. Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield, and nine long years of Spider-Man's cinematic history all deserve the second chance they get. Boom.

Every Peter Parker in "No Way Home" has been a Peter 1. They were each the protagonists in their own stories, almost entirely alone in their struggle to bear the weight of superhuman powers and the responsibilities that come with them. "No Way Home" releases two Peters from their solitude, but heartbreakingly forces a third Peter to embrace it.

Tom Holland's Peter Parker ends up where our other Peters started: poor, with the rent due. For those who complained that Holland's Spider-Man was too indebted to Tony Stark and his inventions, this is a different strain of fan service. For those who never minded Parker's status in the MCU, it's a radical reframing of the status quo. Ultimately? Peter's fate is more than either of those put together.

The presence of multiple Peter Parkers allows us to see each one more distinctly. In the case of Holland's character, "No Way Home" ends with the revelation that he is both distinct from and indebted to those who come before. Peter ends this movie stripped down to the emotional and tangible essentials, having carried two decades' worth of stories on his back for two-plus hours. For all of the incredible characters in "No Way Home," the film itself cannot exist without Holland's Peter Parker, who grows, suffers loss, and is indescribably brave in the face of universe-altering threats. He truly is Peter 1.