Why Bill Hader Won't Autograph Your Star Wars Stuff

Autograph hounds are ghouls. They've taken what should be an innocent, good-natured interaction between a celebrity and a fan, and turned it into a cynical, bottom-feeding industry that largely services people with a good deal of disposable income which, given modern-day income disparity, makes you at the very least rich-adjacent. Alas, they've been around forever. Donald Duck portrayed one in a 1939 Disney cartoon, but, in this case, he's just a movie-mad waterfowl eager to fill his personal autograph book with his favorite entertainers' signatures. There's no insinuation that he's trying to profit from his hobby (though he is trespassing on private property to sate his fame-addled desire).

I don't think the concept of an autograph book even exists now. For decades, Hollywood premieres have been overrun with memorabilia merchants loaded with photos, posters, and other collectable items that can be put up for auction on eBay (the brick-and-mortar outlets have pretty much been rent-spiked out of existence). They keep tabs on personal appearances at repertory theaters and turn up with a dozen "Reservoir Dogs" stills for Tim Roth to sign. And while I'd like to stick up for tourists who've stumbled onto, say, Harrison Ford at a restaurant, the simple act of obtaining an autograph is now an awkward selfie-posing transaction. There's a "read-the-room" deal, and it's almost always a no-go because it's intrusive. Celebrities are rightfully protective of their images, and a poorly timed snap could go viral. Unless you're at a convention, where you're paying for the privilege, don't do it.

Still, I can excuse a starstruck kid from Ohio nervously hitting up Taylor Swift for a selfie. That's human nature. Autograph hounds? Complete and utter bounders. And the good Bill Hader is done playing their contemptible game.

During an appearance on Josh Horowitz' "Happy Sad Confused" podcast, the "Barry" star and co-creator was asked if he ever signs merchandise related to the popular "Star Wars" droid BB-8, for which he was credited as a voice consultant (despite the fact that none of his work ended up in the movie). Hader's answer became a blanket condemnation of the entire autograph hound industry.

"Autograph people don't like me," he said. "I won't sign things." He then revealed the moment he hit his breaking point:

"You know what it was? I used to sign stuff, and then one time I saw somebody and they had their kid come up to me to sign a BB-8 thing and it was three in the morning. I was leaving the 'Inside Out' premiere and then we went to an after-party thing and it was super late and this guy kept his kid up all night. [He] was like, 'Go over there so he'll sign it so I can sell it online.'"

This riled Hader something fierce. "I was like, 'That's f***ed up.' So now, I just kind of blanket, like, I'm not signing any of this s**t."

There are those who'll decry Hader as an ungrateful jerk, but having seen time and again how hounds operate, I'm honestly stunned that more celebrities don't shun autographs altogether. Some folks possess an admirably high tolerance for this game, provided they're in the right mood. But the argument that they're shunning their fans is rarely true. Also, I'm sure there are circumstances where Hader, in a houndless environment, can sense someone is a genuine admirer and gladly sign whatever or maybe even pose for a selfie.

But it's not on famous people to interrupt their dinner conversation or hotel check-in to honor your autograph request. All they owe you is their work. That you rode an elevator with Richard Gere is a story you get to tell your friends back home. If the opportunity for extra presents itself, wonderful. But be a human being. Don't force it.

And for god's sake don't be that guy hitting up a 91-year-old Angie Dickinson for signed stills from "Rio Bravo." I know things are tough all over, but work predicated on pestering people has been and always will be trash.