Succession Season 3 Power Rankings: Daddy Roy Goes Piss-Mad In Retired Janitors Of Idaho

(The bid for power has intensified in season 3 of "Succession," meaning now more than ever, anyone can come out on top. As the war rages on, we'll be tracking the rise and descent of the Roy's, their allies and their never-ending list of enemies.)

That rabbit never stood a chance. Perhaps it would fare better in the real world, where bunnies are properly fed and parents understand the importance of teaching their kids very basic life rules... But "Succession" puts the Roy family front and center, and they've always existed just outside of reality. In a bubble of their own making, the rules simply don't apply to them. That's the lesson that Kendall Roy (Jeremy Strong) chooses to pass on to young Sophie (Swayam Bhatia) and Iverson (Quentin Morales), when they call to report their babysitter for not letting them feed bagels to their enormous new rabbit (aptly named Megathump). They must know the power their father wields when they call, leveling the complaint with the expectation that he'll fix the problem. And fix it he does ... in a way.

If You Give A Bunny A Bagel...

"Let the rabbit have some bagel," Kendall demands, despite the fact that babysitter Bianca did her due diligence (a cursory Google search) and is pretty certain that rabbits can't eat bagels. Kendall shoots back, "Those rules are for f***heads who are going to go to Tampa and leave a rabbit with a Big Gulp and a dozen cinnamon raisins. A little's not gonna hurt, yeah?"

Some Tampa-bound idiot shouldn't give his rabbit bagels, sure, that makes sense — but Kendall Roy (and his children) are above such stipulations! Spoiler alert — a little does hurt. It hurts a lot, and when Kendall gets a call halfway through the episode to report that the rabbit is now sick, absolutely no one is surprised — just irritated. Once again, a Roy has ignored the sensible advice of a reasonable person, trying their hardest to reign in their ego. This family is nothing if not delusional: while everyone else struggles under the weight of their utter incompetence, they continuously barrel through, as if money makes them immune to every possible obstacle — biology included.

Speaking of biology, the other Roy charging forward against all odds is Logan (Brian Cox), who's been barreling forward for many moons now. His deteriorating health is finally catching up with him, but that won't stop the family patriarch from taking the lead during a stressful negotiation period. In a way, he's living on borrowed time here: Logan should've stepped down in season 1, when his retirement was planned and he was recovering from a stroke. Now he's loaded down with meds and kept together by the best doctors money can buy. Though he's no longer CEO on paper, the chain of command couldn't be clearer — Logan is always #1.

Borrowed time also happens to be the entire premise of this episode. A deal with Stewy (Arian Moayed) and Sandy (Larry Pine) should've been finalized weeks before the shareholder meeting or, as Logan notes, back in Greece. Yet here they are, on the big day, forcing Frank (Peter Friedman) to take to the stage for an absurd amount of time so negotiations can reach an acceptable conclusion. Maybe such a high stakes citation shouldn't hinge on Logan, a man whose health problems are spiraling beyond his control. But that kind of logic doesn't work on these people, and those who don't listen, must feel.

They may live in a bubble, but the world keeps poking holes in it. The Waystar lot are stubbornly delusional, but how many breakdowns does it take before Logan has to concede defeat to his own mortality? How many of said breakdowns can Roman (Kieran Culkin) witness before losing his mind? How many more f***-ups will it take before Shiv (Sarah Snook) realizes she isn't cut out for this job? And how many rabbit carcasses before Kendall quits feeding them bagels?

10. Waystar Assistants (Someone Save Them)

Jess (Juliana Canfield) has reached her goddamn limit. Her boss turns against the company that employs her? Fine. Demands to be on a talk show ready to eviscerate him? Sure. Skips out on said talk show to curl up in a server room like a child? Sounds about right. This woman has been around since the very beginning, Kendall's go-to person for all things business and personal (like scoring him drugs or zooming with his children). She can clearly handle more than your average assistant, but watching Kendall nearly murder a rabbit was definitely not in the job description. Maybe she should find a job working for a less erratic billionaire. Do those exist?

Jess isn't the only Waystar employee slowly losing her mind, we're also seeing a lot more of Kerry (Zoe Winters). Logan's assistant comes under direct fire from Shiv, after revealing that Logan's gone loony because he forgot to take his meds. It's not her fault of course — she left the medication with him to take. And let's be real, these two can only do so much for Roys who believe themselves so untouchable that they fail to complete simple tasks like say, take their meds or teach their children what rabbits actually eat. I think Jess speaks for all of us when she sighs in irritation.

9. Greg Hirsch

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I had a feeling Greg's jubilations would be temporary, but that was scarily brief. Last week, Cousin Greg (Nicholas Braun) was a semi-valuable asset, worthy of a rum and coke poured in Logan's presence and most importantly, a comfy Parks position in return for his loyalty. But signing his soul over to the devil came at the hefty price of alienating everyone else formerly in his corner. Kendall is now threatening to deliver him to the feds because, believe it or not, his promise not to burn Greg wasn't a legally binding contract. And guess what else? Kendall isn't a good person. He can toss Greg overboard whenever he pleases. Good thing Greg has that Grandpa Ewan (James Cromwell) money to fall back on, right? Well...

The "best darn Gramper" in the world makes a brief reappearance to deliver some brutal news to his favorite grandson. After making me Google words like "crapulous" and "bagatelle," Ewan makes it clear that he's thoroughly pissed with Greg for joining forces with Logan and insulting the lawyer (AKA old friend) he secured for him. In disgust, he's scrapped the idea of leaving money to family and instead turned towards charitable endeavors. Greenpeace will be the lucky recipient of the Ewan Roy fortune ... assuming Greg doesn't sue them. It's a beyond devastating moment for Greg, staring in the face of his last hope only to learn that Ewan will no longer back him. And why? "Because you need to take yourself seriously, kid." And he's right.

Greg has stumbled from one side to the other, but always had a cushion to soften the blow in the end. He never seriously thought through what he was delving into, and still made a decisive choice. For better or worse, Greg wants to play this game. He could've gotten out when Ewan encouraged him to quit last season, and just waited around for his share of the millions. But that wasn't enough for him. Greg is drawn to the allure of being at the top of the world. Sadly, if you're not a Roy, born with money, power and security, it's much harder to thrive. The Tom's and Greg's of the world might be able to break into the top floor, but they'll always be disposable to those in charge. Now Greg joins Tom on his death march, staring potential jail time right in the face.

8. Bathroom Attendant, Tom Wambsgans

Someone put this man out of his misery. In the latest edition of Tom's Miserable Life, poor Wambsgans (Matthew Macfadyen) has been reduced to piss duty, as Logan's go-to bathroom man. And in an even more devastating turn of events, that bathroom stall scene is the most action (and most affection) Tom will be getting for the foreseeable future. In his dazed and confused state, Logan must mistake Tom for one of his children —perhaps the once neutered, Kendall — as he says, "thanks, son" and Tom relishes the moment just a little, replying, "Anytime, Pop."

And then he returns to the real world, where his wife is disgusted that he wants to have a baby with her. I mean, in Shiv's defense, the realization that Tom is tracking her ovulation and timing things out is understandably alarming. For reasons beyond understanding, Tom thinks it's a good idea to get her pregnant before his quick 9- 12 month stint in jail, so that there's something waiting for him on the other side. Is this a pitiful attempt to make sure Shiv will still be waiting for him upon release? Because Tom, sweetie, she definitely won't be.

But Tom does try to explain himself, saying, "I might need something, Shiv. Otherwise, what is the point of all this?" 

What is Tom possibly getting out of this marriage anymore? Certainly not love, rarely affection, and hardly a partnership. Shiv and Tom have some moments throughout the episode where you remember what a team they can be, when they're up to it. In a few moments of panic, Shiv turns to Tom, calls him over for help or just seems to appreciate his presence. For his part, Tom is happy to celebrate her highs and comfort her during the lows. But that's something she fails to do for him, time and time again. Being married to Shiv doesn't even seem to guarantee any sort of protection anymore, let alone the things marriage is supposed to come with. So what's the point anymore?

Bonus points to Tom Wambsgans aka The Hercule Poirot of Piss: "You don't need me to... hold the scepter?"

7. Filibuster Frank

The most affectionate words spoken about Frank to date come from a demented Logan who mistakes his angry son for his longtime colleague and responds, "Who was nasty to Frank? I'm the only one who's allowed to be nasty to Frank!" 

This guy spends most of the episode on stage, giving an overlong speech to the shareholders in an attempt to delay the vote while negotiations continue. It's a pretty successful beat for Frank, who manages to pull it off pretty well. Who knows what he talks about up there, but he manages to drone on for just the right amount of time. When he's not on stage, he continues ping-ponging between Kendall and Logan, trying to get them working together just enough to get through the meeting. And while they both spend plenty of time making fun of their shared lackey ("There he is! The Panic Meister, cooking up his sweaty spaghetti") they both seem relatively fond of him. Not a terrible place to be in this awful situation.

6. BFF's, Kendall Roy & Stewy Hosseini

Kendall is irrelevant for most of this episode. He dooms a rabbit, then spends the day in a conference room pretending to be a puppet master when he's mostly just a partially informed observer. He invites Stewy up for a pre-meeting, where the pair attempt to hash out the endgame but ultimately, this conversation means very little. The only negotiation that matters happens downstairs, between two very old men in the middle of their own respective health crises. Stewy is in the room, sure, along with a ton of others, but none of them wield the same power as Logan and Sandy. Though they're fully reliant on other people to see the deal through, they get final say and no one dares to question it.

In the end, both of them pretty much get what they want: Stewy gets board seats and lots of cash, while Waystar Royco remains in the Roy family hands. But neither of them really had a role in the win. In fact, it could've easily been pissed away by men who are their seniors and very much in control. While Stewy quietly slinks into the background, to enjoy his win, Kendall decides to hop onstage. To the dismay of his team, he delivers an over the top, incredibly unbreakable speech about Waystar wrongdoings and highlights his own bullshit attempts at allyship. Karolina notes, "he looks crazy and I think that can be good for us."

Bonus points to Kendall for making Stewy's joke come true: "Shouldn't you be on a rainbow soapbox somewhere screaming, "Time's up!"

5. Shiv Roy, The New Kendall

The Siobhan Roy bait-and-swich is easily one of this show's greatest accomplishments. There was once a time when we believed Shiv to be the most moral of the siblings (not by much) and more importantly, the most competent. Now it seems like her every scene is written to expressly prove the opposite. Shiv spends most of the episode nearing a state of panic, bouncing around and searching for confirmation that the negotiation will work out. When she finally kicks into gear, she's imbued by the same power that once gave us Kendall viciously shutting down Vaulter: "I just do what my dad tells me."

Following in Ken's footsteps, she's just following her Dad's directives — but with a twist. Shiv is always trying to finagle an extra win for herself. How can she best solidify her position? Easy — an extra board seat for Sandi, plus an extra board seat for Shiv. It's a win-win, right? To her credit, it kinda works. We all watched her conversation with Sandi through gritted teeth and from behind our fingers, knowing Shiv's record for pushing too far, but she manages to pull it together. It should be a victory run for poor Pinkie, but instead she learns that her husband wants to use her as an incubator and her father has no interest in giving her any credit.

This was inevitable of course. Think back to Kendall saving the company in season 1 — Logan called him a "f***ing idiot." Both of their wins came at the cost of a compromise, and didn't happen on Logan's terms. He isn't one to offer a "thanks," or "congratulations," and certainly not when he believes he could do better. It's not like Logan could've help, as Shiv so sweetly reminds him, given he was out of commission. But pissing him off further only ends in complete humiliation for Shiv, when he loudly snaps at her and moves on to discussing next moves with Gerri. Now, when Gil Eavis dressed her down last season, Shiv immediately hit the eject button. She practically jumped out of a moving vehicle, she quit so fast — but that's not something she can do to a Logan Roy ... right?

4. Roman Roy, New #1 Boy

Bootleg Logan Roy over here has a pretty solid week. Other than the intensity of his trauma, Roman walks away having spoken to the president (nevermind the animosity of the phone call), gets an onstage boost from Gerri ("our visionary chief operation officer, Roman Roy"), and is easily his father's favorite right now. All would be well, if not for his genuine distress about his father's health.

Where others are distressed by the implications of Logan's health crisis, Roman simply can't handle his father being sick. The hints come early on, when he shares a negotiation room with Sandy and keeps a noticeable distance — but it's cemented once the unwell person is his own father. "Call me when he's less scary," he says of his recently medicated father, a disturbing distinction given Logan has never been less threatening in his life. Barely conscious and unable to process the world around him, Logan shakes Roman to his core. But once he's back to berating his children and yelling profanities, Roman practically zips to his father's side, leaning down as though keen to be the next target. In case it hasn't been clear up to this point, these kids are in desperate need of therapy.

3. Logan Roy, The Demented Piss-Mad King of England

This is utterly ridiculous. Every week, we bear witness to the many crises plaguing Logan Roy, including his encroaching health issues, his old-school business approaches and the fact that the FBI is investigating his company — which, by the way, is currently being stolen out from under him. And somehow, no matter how dire the situation, Logan has a way of coming out on top. No matter how hard I try, I can't find a justifiable reason for Logan to drop below 5 — because even when he loses, he still manages to win.

The family patriarch spent much of this episode unrecognizable, offering nothing but grunts, half-hearted shrugs and genuine confusion. He was at his most assertive when demanding Tom walk him to the bathroom. He appeared normal at first: when Shiv and Gerri reported back, we could see the wheels turning in Logan's head. We just didn't realize they were moving slower than usual. But even when the cracks become more obvious with Logan ranting nonsensically about the Raisin and shutting the meeting down, the Waystar staff seem hesitant to believe what's happening. He must have something up his sleeve, they speculate. He must know something we don't. When he gives them a command that seems like the obvious wrong choice, they figure, he's been in this situation before, right? He's always six steps ahead?

In truth, Logan is about 20 steps back until a doctor arrives to address the problem. Once everyone realizes how out of commission he is, they scramble to deal with a reality they somehow didn't foresee: the man who had a stroke a couple months ago may lose it at any moment. Hell, the man who collapsed on a business trip last week, may not be in the strongest state of mind. Shouldn't they know how to fare without him? Turns out, they only sorta know what they're doing, but mostly seemed panicked. And when Logan is medicated and back together, they completely forget how vulnerable they saw him not 10 minutes ago and go back to treating him like the all-knowing God he is.

Logan is one missed dose away from becoming a complete nutcase and destroying his entire life's work and someone, even that doesn't change the simple facts: Logan is the sun and everyone orbits around him. Shiv forgets it for half a beat, with her father out of commission, she takes charge and forgets her place. But he snaps her back into it. Kendall is thrilled at the possibility of a conversation with his father, only to realize he's been ejected from the solar system, blocked on his father's phone and snubbed in an empty meeting room.

Everything on the horizon is bad. In the long run, Logan will lose. Between his health, the loss of the Raisin, the investigation, the scandals — everything is bad. But in the small moments where it matters, he always manages to claw his way back to the top.

2. Future President, Connor Roy

A sad day for the American democracy is a great day for Connor Roy (Alan Ruck). In the words of this unhinged lunatic, "boom shaka-laka, hell yeah!" With The Raisin officially out of the running, Connor Roy will resume his presidential run. It seemed that we had escaped this dark fate when Connor came to the realization that he needed more experience before, ya know, becoming president. He even managed to snag a position at the company this week, talking his father (who may or may not have been in his right mind at the time) into making him head of European cable. But why run cable when you could run the country?

Let's not bury the lede here — Waystar Royco and ATN in particular are so powerful that they pushed the president to give up on running for a second term. That is terrifying and it's just a fact in the background of this episode. They're told that they'll have hard time finding another president who offers the same level of access but consider this: what if the president is a member of the Roy family? If Waystar and subsequently ATN back Connor in his presidential endeavors ... is there a cursed reality where he actually manages to win?

1. Sandi Furness (& Sandy Furness)

Sandi (Hope Davis) sort of has a moment of kinship with Shiv — two daughters of ailing fathers just trying to snag some power from men who won't let go of it. But while Shiv is berated onscreen, Sandi walks off in triumph. We don't know the intricacies of her relationship with her father, but she at least has more command over herself than Shiv. She isn't nearly as frazzled and though we see her excitement about her own board seat, she's the right amount of skeptical. The Furness' got to push the Roys to their limits and walked away victorious and unscathed.

Bonus points to Sandi for the line of the night: "Oh, I just do what my dad tells me, like you guys."