Ranking Every Single Adversary Spider-Man Has Battled On The Big Screen

When I first pitched my idea to rank all the villains in the Spider-Man movies thus far, I was thinking small – I'd pound out a feature about the biggest bads in Peter Parker's life and have a little fun. "Sure thing!" said /Film managing editor Jacob Hall. But then he added: "In addition to the major villains, make this stupidly comprehensive."

Oh no. Please deceive me, eyes. "Every street criminal, every minor bad guy, and every single character who even hinders Peter Parker should be on this list." So now I had to watch five two-hour-plus Spider-Man movies. And note every villain. And somehow make sense of a ranking that ranges from natural forces to Bruce Campbell. And find time to sleep.

I accomplished three of those objectives. My poor, neglected bed.

Enjoy the ramblings of a broken man who renewed his love of Sam Raimi's Tobey-Man series and reaffirmed his disinterest in Marc Webb's super-effing-dark trilogy that never was.

Note: This list does not include the villains from Spider-Man: Homecoming, mainly because this list requires the ability to press pause. Perhaps we'll revisit it someday...

Remember when the first Spider-Man movie came out and that song "Hero" became audibly inescapable? If a "Hero" truly could save us, why didn't ANYONE stop disc jockeys from cranking this single until their tapes melted. WHY.

"But Matt, those aren't villains. Those are household objects." Yeah – trying to give Peter a concussion! The lamp smashes against his bedroom wall, crumbling in defeat, while the Dr. Pepper can scores some sweet product placement. Yeah. It's gonna be THAT kind of list.

This is during Peter's "the world is against me" haze. Walking students knock him down, trample his books, bump his head – things you might do to an invisible person? Or, in this case, a down-on-his luck protagonist.

This crane is a real dick. First it malfunctions, threatening the operator. Then it slams into a building where Gwen Stacy (Bryce Dallas Howard) is modelling. She falls, but luckily Spider-Man is there to save her. Pretty dumb shit, crane.

B.J. Novak plays a mean boss who makes Max Dillon work late on his birthday. Thanks for being a heartless corporate monkey and creating Electro! An uninteresting one at that (despite Smythe's comic trajectory).

Donald Menken's right-hand-man loses Gwen Stacy in an Oscorp cubicle maze, gets his shoelaces tied together and then is effortlessly killed by Electro. Where'd this guy learn his bodyguard skills? Bond Villain Henchman School?

You can't even defeat a sick Spider-Man who's buying cold and flu medicine? Please forfeit your "street thug" credentials and sit in the shame corner.

Chris Zylka's Flash is your garden variety jock who beats on nerdy dweebs (AKA Peter Parker). All it takes to best him is a 1-on-1 basketball duel and schoolwide embarrassment. Cue a Spidey-dunk and broken backboard, then the two become best friends.

In Webb's Amazing Spider-Man almost-trilogy, law enforcers are more aggressive in their pursuit of Peter – but not more efficient. In one chase, thirty-eight officers fail to bring Spider-Man in (much to Captain Stacy's frustration). Looks like Cap needs to update his rookie training program to include "Superhero Takedowns."

When Peter is hunting Uncle Ben's killer, there's a montage of criminals who look vaguely familiar – but never end up having the signifying star tattoo. Peter leaves them webbed, with little struggle. Meh. 2/10. No competition.

Maybe this is just a Raimi thing, but Tobey-man faces blazing infernos not once, but TWICE. One rager ends with Peter fighting off the Green Goblin, another showcases the bravest little girl (who pulls Peter up). Either way, it's not just supervillains who threaten Spider-Man's life.

When trying something for the first time, there are expected hiccups. In Raimi's Spider-Man, Peter's first web-swinging starts with promise – and ends with a faceful of brick. Not exactly training wheels, but he's a superhero. Sympathy is minimal.

Landlords are inherently evil just because of their job. But is Mr. Ditkovich any worse? "Sorry doesn't pay rent," Ditkovich insists. He lands on this list for hogging the communal bathroom until rent is received. "If sorries were crackers my daughter would be fat!" Such a charming fellow.

Asif Manvid does the right thing by firing Peter. 42 blocks in seven in a half minutes to prove his dependability. Easy, right? Not even for Spider-Man. Although, this does allow for one of the more memorable Spider-Man moments. "Whoa. He stole that guy's pizzas!"

Dylan Baker's Curt Conners isn't the villain Rhys Ifans' iteration becomes. Yet, for this list, he earns a spot by demanding Peter's attention. Hard to balance schoolwork and extracurriculars when your teacher threatens failure.

Raimi's first dose of heroism. Bodega robbers, jewelry robbers, a purse snatcher – all mere pests caught in Spider-Man's metaphorical web. Shout out to the diamond thieves who are literally caught in a Spider-Man's web.

"Gravity, stay the hell away from me" John Mayer once crooned. Spider-Man probably shares those same sentiments after numerous mid-air plunges in Spider-Man 2. Bonus points for making Spider-Man share an elevator with Hal Sparks, whom we're reminded has a career outside of VH1's "I Love The [insert random era]" shows.

Dane DeHaan with a Gerard Way haircut and some serious baggage. Boarding school at 11. A bottle of scotch on his 16th birthday signed "with compliments." If that's not enough, he's also begun to show signs of Retroviral Hypodysplasia, his father just died, and all of Oscorp wants him ousted as CEO. Oh, and Spider-Man won't hand over his blood/DNA. Life is hard for a billionaire's son!

Maybe DeHaan would have had more to do in a third film, but as is, he's Richie Rich with millennial angst. Most scenes involve Harry throwing a tantrum, pouting and whining about how unfair the world is. Then he injects venom into his system and requires the Green Goblin suit to continually heal (otherwise he'll wither away, it's assumed?). Fast-forward to his getting even with Spider-Man, who he knows is Peter. Gwen is dropped, Harry feels no remorse and the rest is history. Puffy-haired, dental-disaster history.

Remember when Joel McHale was in Spider-Man 2? As the slimey banker hot-shot? He won't even give Aunt May the promotional toaster. It's the bit-part McHale was born to play.

SOMEONE LET PETER EAT. As if watching the love of your life slip away wasn't bad enough, Peter has to do it on an empty stomach. Evil, tray-pulling waiters.

A little boy named Jorge has his homemade wind turbine bashed by bullies. Spider-Man shows up, praises Jorge's work and helps him rebuild. Hope is instilled, and the science fair is saved. D'aw.

Irrfan Khan plays an indirect villain to Peter, because it's his decision that sends Ifans' Curt Conners spiraling wildly out of control. There's also an insinuation that Rajit played some part in the death of Peter's parents? Either way, Rajit's hastiness results in an enraged Conners – and you know how that ends.

Maybe you know him better as "The Man In The Shadows," since he's always lurking in...well...the shadows. First when Conners is incarcerated, then again when Harry is imprisoned. He's an obvious ringleader who possesses access to Oscorp's Special Projects division – which might have paid off in The Amazing Spider-Man 3?

Chris Cooper plays a hard-nosed scientist who sentenced Harry to a life of resentment. He also double-crossed Richard Parker. Unfortunately he's bedridden for 90% of his appearance, minus some labcoat "flashbacks" to healthier days. Then he dies. It's a wastefully depleted role.

Raimi's blobby sludge strikes Earth in comet-form, then hitches a ride on Peter's rinky moped. Drawn to negativity, this goop bonds like a wrapping. First as a black Spider-Man suit, then as Eddie Brock's Venom form. You know the damage this causes.

When Peter beats Bone Saw, his prize is supposed to be $3,000 (a hopeful car payment). He's handed $100. "It said three grand for three minutes. You pinned him in two." Peter leaves furious, and allows a robber who steals the rest of what would have been his winnings to go free. "I missed the part where that's my problem," Peter tells the disgruntled promoter. Never have words been more regrettable.

When Harry assumes Norman's role at Oscorp, Colm Feore's treacherous board member is having none of it. Blackmail, spy equipment, cover-ups. "You will die a horrible death like your father," he says after successfully pinning Max Dillon's death on Harry. And then he's the reason Harry gains access to Oscorp's untested Spider Venom, thus creating Webb's Goblin? Way to go, guy.

Familiar Raimi cronie bashing, but it's a fun little scenario. Peter needs better pictures of Spidey to appease Mr. Jameson, so he rigs a camera to capture his heroics. Some flips, fighting and web-shooting ensue. It's all a cakewalk, but ends with a nice little victory pose.

Need a European mad scientist? Enter Marton Csokas, who plays Electro's babysitter. His blown-out hairdo and rubber attire suggest precautionary reserve, but Kafkah recklessly angers Electro throughout his studies. It's not a pretty sight when Harry releases Electro. Especially not for Dr. Kafka.

In Webb's origin, Peter is denied milk by a bodega cashier because he's a few cents short. In comes an incognito vagrant who steals some register cash and tosses Peter the milk. What a cool guy, right? Then he shoots Uncle Ben and leaves him for dead. Not so cool after all.

Peter's supposed to see MJ perform in The Importance Of Being Earnest one night, but gets distracted by carjackers while en route. They take out his minibike and blast a few shotgun rounds. How can Peter turn a blind eye? The criminals are yanked upwards, even though their incarceration means Peter misses MJ's play. Whoops.

In Raimi's Spider-Man universe, villains are typically given redemption or a demise at their own hand. In Webb's Spider-Man, a murderous "hero" makes unfortunate loners explode in clouds of electric matter.

Jamie Foxx plays a fully-charged villain, but it's Webb's treatment that rubs me like a bad static shock. Minimal effort establishes Max Dillon as an invisible cog – just some "weirdo" engineer with a Spider-Man obsession and an awful birthday surprise. Sad-sack level: Critical. But that's not enough! Then you have Harry manipulate Max's desire for friendship, and turn him into a wire-hopping villain just because he wants to feel needed. How does that end? With death. Empty and mistreated his entire life, disallowed a single parting word or any form of redemption. No empathy, no duality, no nothing. Weirdos gonna weird. Maybe Webb's biggest blunder?

Peter finds Fred the rat – now part lizard – CANNIBALISING HIS CAGE NEIGHBOR. And what does Peter do? Nothing. Peter leaves a genetically enhanced superrat for some janitor or scientist to find later. NOT MY PROBLEM.

Right before Spider-Man's famed upsidedown kiss, Mary Jane is cornered by some unsavory assailants. Peter swoops in (fully costumed) and beats the snot out of them because no one messes with MJ. These scumbags put up a fight, and there's a hilarious shot of two brutes flying past MJ into separate windows. Bing, bang, boom, but with a little more struggle. Spidey needs a challenge!

In the beginning of The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Richard and Mary Parker (Campbell Scott and Embeth Davidtz) are fleeing danger via private jet. Turns out their pilot is an assassin. Richard fights back and ends up kicking the trained killer to his death (?), but there's no saving either Parker parent (just Richard's research).

Only Webb's version makes this list, and no, he's not really a villain, but Martin Sheen yells a lot. Rightfully so – Peter keeps neglecting family duties. We all know Uncle Ben's influence is only for the best and out of love. Responsibility and all that. Doesn't mean he didn't overstep some messy Parker backstory lines in the process.

Topher Grace the Spider-Man villain? Still doesn't add-up on paper, but it happened. Blonde frosted tips and all. Eddie Brock is a kiss-ass photographer until Emo Peter outs his fake cover shot. Humiliated, Eddie enters a church to ask God for revenge – but instead finds Venom. The egomaniac goes from gangly slickster to beefy boogeyman, and uses MJ to draw Spider-Man into a fight. It fails, and Brock ends up killing himself along with the Symbiote because he's so addicted to power. Sorry Toph.

Marc Webb gives his Andrew-Man zero prep time for combat. Some drunkish sports fans balance a bottle on Peter's head whilst sleeping in a subway car. Peter wakes with full alertness and provokes a scuffle. Thug #1 gets embarrassed. Thug #2 gets a face full of handrail bar. A thug's girlfriend gets her shirt torn off – you never mess with a sleeping New Yorker.

After Uncle Ben's death, Andrew-Man is broken. He hunts every thug who matches a mockup police sketch. Scraggly, dirty-blond hair. A longer face. But none have that damn star tattoo. Most of these criminals are just tossed aside, but one crew gives Peter a run for their money when they parkour in close pursuit. This is Webb's world, which dashes action with a little more style.

Does this little bugger count? Of course. Maybe Peter doesn't get bitten and misses out on sticky fingers – and all the included "responsibilities." So much of the pain and turmoil that follows Peter is infinitely more than any high schooler should deal with (dead relatives, dead friends, dead everything). Generic teenage awkwardness doesn't sound so bad, eh?

In Raimi's Spider-Man movies, it's not Peter Parker who chooses the name "Spider-Man." Not even close. Before entering Bone Saw's ring, Peter asks to be called "The Human Spider." A gold-jacket-wearing, showy ring announcer mocks his choice and instead introduces "Spider-Man" (much to Peter's dismay). Why so sad, web head? If anyone knows cool, it's Bruce Campbell.

Wait, you DON'T remember Joe Manganiello's face in Sam Raimi's Spider-Man? Go back. That past-his-expiration Abercrombie caveman is none other than True Blood/Magic Mike heartthrob Joe Manganiello. He trips Peter in a school bus, causes trouble on a class trip and then gets his ass handed to him once Peter discovers his true bully-bashing potential.

Raimi never unleashed "The Lizard" despite casting Dylan Baker as Dr. Curt Conners, but Webb wasted no time. Rhys Ifans plays an Oscorp scientist version of Conners who is missing an arm. His joint-research with Dr. Parker explores the possibility of cross-species genetics, which leads to their superspider discovery. He's so close to solving the equation, but it's Peter who fills in the blanks. Animal testing works (Fred!) – but human trials are a different story. Conners becomes "The Lizard" (think The Rock with CG scales), whose vision of utopia is a planet filled with "perfect" lizard-people like him. He tries to lizardize New York City, fails, and then saves Peter after regaining his sanity – but not before Captain Stacy is clawed to death.

Raimi loved picking villains who grasped both the dark and the light. Thomas Haden Church's escaped convict may have killed Uncle Ben, but not on purpose. He just needed a few extra bucks for his sick daughter Penny. Now he's a demolecularized Squand sculpture. Church is able to balance Sandman's criminal ways with his moral conflicts – two sides to the man. He comes clean to Peter after Venom is dealt with because that's the man Marko is. A father with no options and a beating heart.

We first meet Aleksei (played by Paul Giamatti) mid-plutonium robbery. It's all metal music and thick Eastern European accents. Then he gets pantsed and rots away in jail – until Mr. Fiers makes him the "Rhino." Aleksei jumps inside a mechanized rhinoceros rig and starts playing Titanfall in real life. The first of Harry's Sinister Six (we can assume as much). Of course, we'll never know, because that closing image of Spidey swinging a sewer grate at Rhino's "head" is the last shot Webb ever posted.

Remember those carjackers who derailed Peter's broadway plans? Well, they only made him late. It's an uppity usher played by Bruce Campbell who refuses to let Peter in after the show begins, to preserve theatrical illusions. "Shoelaces! Adjust tie!" he instructs. Followed by, "Oh, no one will be seated after the doors are closed." Rude (ALTHOUGH YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE ON TIME OR EARLY FOR SHOWS, MOVIES, ETC).

First off, J.K. Simmons' take on J. Jonah Jameson is the greatest comic book character ever adapted to screen. Hands down. Secondly, he's a villain to Spider-Man. Over and over again he short-changes Peter for pictures of New York's favorite hero, only to run headlines that promote Spidey as a villain. A "menace to society" who "coincidentally" happens to be at the scene of very crime. Jameson isn't buying it, and abuses his media credentials. The same guy who's one print away from running a front-page feature on food poisoning in NYC because the best picture he's got is a piece of chicken. Then he's swindled by a child in Spider-Man 3 after purchasing her camera. Karma, my good man.

Denis Leary plays a stern, vigilante-hating Mr. Stacy in Webb's series. He's the reason police are hunting Spider-Man. He's the one slandering a hero's name (not Jameson like in Raimi's films). Peter has a heated dinner conversation with Gwen's father about how Spider-Man is just trying to help, but there's no persuading – yet. Once "The Lizard" reaches peak beastmode, Captain Stacy lets Spider-Man save the day after realizing it's Peter. Then he dies. Like most characters in Webb's dark Spider-Man universe.

Before becoming Venom, Raimi's symbiote latches onto Peter. He's tougher, more confident (so many finger guns) and a total tool – but he feels gooooood while rocking that Pete Wentz combover. Too bad Peter becomes an "evil" version of himself who offends women, leaves Harry disfigured and smacks MJ. The jazz club scene is something that can only exist in Raimi's world, which we should be grateful for – but is it too weird? Peter gliding across a dance floor on a wooden chair? Air-thrusting his way into franchise infamy?

James Franco's lil' Osborn benefits from processing his emotional instability over three films. At first he's a friend, then an unknowing enemy to Peter. Harry copes with alcohol, as obsessions with Spider-Man eventually drive a wedge between himself and Peter. This leads to "New Goblin," aka "Ninja Green Goblin," who jets a hoverboard and hunts Spider-Man down – until helping him defeat the tandem of Sandman and Venom, ultimately giving his life to let Peter and MJ live happily ever after. Behind all the James Dean glances and squinty evil-eyes is a developed performance from Franco that navigates twisted, conflicted feelings. Substance evoked and fulfillment delivered.

Peter's toxic ignorance and petty beefing leads to tragedy, since it's the same robber he lets go who kills Uncle Ben (or so we assume, in Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2). Michael Papajohn's thug flees the wrestling promoter's office, leading cops on a New York City car chase. Peter catches up, and corners his devil. He begs Peter for sympathy, but trips and ultimately falls to his death. Peter is forever changed, haunted by selfish actions and unintended consequences. All because of a few thousand dollars.

Alfred Molina's esteemed scientist/Oscorp devotee features some of the best Spider-Man character work in any franchise. Maybe that's because of Molina's talents, or because Raimi ranges a full arc for his second film's antagonist. Humanitarian intellectual, grieving widower, psychotic doomsdayer who wants to destroy, redemptive anti-hero – Doc Ock slings goofy zingers but is tormented at the same time. Such is one of the better supervillains in any cinematic universe. If only Webb took notice to how Raimi builds up to Doc Ock's death and the power achieved, not just the death itself.

In the annals of Spider-Man cinema history, there will always be a chapter dedicated to Bone Saw McGraw, played by the late WWF/WCW superstar Randy "Macho Man" Savage, who brought vein-popping intensity to even the smallest sentence. No mercy, as proven by the paralyzed contender wheeled out right before Peter is trapped in a cage with Bone Saw. From here it's killer ring-banter like "HEY FREAK SHOW, YOU'RE GOING NOWHERE," while his Bone-ettes (yes, his four verbally abusive cheerleaders are called Bone-ettes) toss weapons his way. He's made a fool and Peter wins the match, but Bone Saw will always be remembered. Snap a Slim Jim in his honor tonight.

Willem Dafoe's stranglehold on Norman Osborn and the Green Goblin will prove near-impossible to dethrone. He risks his life for a government contract, but instead of dying, invites a maniac voice into his head. It's all psychobabble, pushing Norman closer and closer to the edge. That cackle, the lunatic grin, the "work is MURDER!" punnery. His haunting presence lingering as Harry battles with his own depression and sanity. Never to be forgotten. Always ceremoniously unhinged.

Marc Webb's Amazing Spider Man films weren't for everyone, but axing the franchise at two films was more than a creative death-spike. So many arcs depended on a third and fourth film, which accounts for the minimal usage of someone like Norman Osborn or Rhino. Even crazier, reports confirmed that we'd not only be getting MJ's introduction in Amazing Spider-Man 3 (Shailene Woodley). It's a shame we'll never get to realize Webb's full vision, because Amazing Spider-Man and Amazing Spider-Man 2 are now just an incomplete reminders of what could have been – and one hell of a production trainwreck.

In any Spider-Man film, there's no greater antagonistic force than Spider-Man himself. Every tear Peter sheds. Every relationship broken. It's all because of Spider-Man. Without the hero antics, Peter would live a normal life. But with the burden of superhuman powers? Enemies flock to defeat NYC's guardian arachnid.

Take a look at Raimi's series. Peter not only instigates the death of Uncle Ben (inadvertently), but his on-and-off interactions with MJ cause both parties to break each other's heart on repeat. Peter neglects, MJ gets jealous, Spider-Man kisses Gwen – there's zero stability. Peter can't fight his own feelings and keep MJ out of harm's way, or avoid a complicated falling out-and-in with Harry. So much effort just to grasp the smallest modicum of normalcy. Forever cursed by protective fortitude.

Webb's series is a much nastier beast, as Spider-Man's notoriety gets multiple people killed. Uncle Ben. Captain Stacy. Gwen Stacy. Max Dillon. All the same tension exists between Peter and Gwen that Raimi established between Peter and MJ, but Andrew-Man is much worse at fighting it. It's the second movie when they commit to one another, thus dooming Gwen to death by Goblin. Who knows what the suit would have done to Peter if Webb had another movie – one can only assume Aunt May was on the chopping block given previous trends.

With great power comes great responsibility...but was Peter ever better off?