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Hope everyone is having a pleasant Saturday afternoon. Writing this latest Uwe Boll item poolside recalls the floater scene in Caddyshack, so let’s make it short and easy. Next weekend, Boll’s Postal, based on the “shocking” videogame, was set to open against Spielberg’s Indiana Jones, but its domestic theatrical roll-out has been greatly reduced from 1,500 screens to five (or less, depending on where you look). Slashfilm received a press release (is that Boll’s personal email? LOL.) in which Boll cites a conspiracy launched by exhibitors (the government?) to counter his film’s “infuriating” imagery, like that above. Keep in mind that a Dubbya doppleganger was just seen lacing joints with coke in Harold and Kumar 2, so Boll’s conspiracy claims are typically unfounded and shitrageous…

“Theatrical distributors are boycotting Postal because of its political content,” says Boll. “We were prepared to open on 1500 screens all across America on May 23rd. Any multiplex in the U.S. should have space for us, but they’re afraid. We have even tried to buy a few screens in New York and Los Angeles, and they won’t let us even rent the theaters! I urge independent exhibitors to contact us and book Postal! Audiences have been expecting the film and I don’t think exhibitors should censor what gets played in U.S. theaters.”

Postal boasts a few respectable names like Jason Reitman’s go-to man, J.K. Simmons, TKITH‘s Dave Foley and far less respectable names like Verne Troyer and Uwe Boll. Peter saw the flick a while ago and said it wasn’t Boll’s worst offender, which is sort of like saying, “Grandma had a good day today.” It’s pretty bad when Boll’s films don’t even flop anymore, they just crawl onto Slashfilm pre-release and cease. So, pay your quick condolences and then continue exploring Liberty City.

Discuss: RIP Postal. The Boll petition has over 250,000 signatures.

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Liberty City’s Vlad and Niko are (predictably) not siked right now. That’s right, Slashfilm’s original, indefatigable voodoo child, Uwe Boll, recently confessed to Vulture that he’s the perfect manimal to helm Grand Theft Auto: The Movie. Moreover, Boll said he would choose to direct a “very brutal” $30 million adaptation that would absolutely destroy Michael Bay’s $150 million PG-13 version that exists, yep, only in Boll’s well-protected brain! As of 6 p.m. EST, Rockstar Games had suspiciously chosen not to comment on this non-rumor. Here’s Boll…

“Grand Theft Auto would be super interesting for me, and I think I would actually be the right guy to do it, because my movies are all bloody and violent and I don’t have a problem with action scenes. But look, they will go, in the end, with a Michael Bay or a Brett Ratner, and it will be a PG-13 movie made for $150 million. I think it would be better to make a $30 million, very hard, brutal movie without compromising, but I’m not optimistic.”

Well, I’m sure GTA x Boll becoming a reality will come down to the performance of Postal, Boll’s latest video game adaptation finally opening in the U.S. on May 23rd. Peter says it’s his “best” movie thus far, but not his, you know, Bolliest. However, in the film’s defense, Boll did admit to forcing tiny Postal co-star Verne Troyer into a suitcase….and then he closed it! WTFBoll!

“[Verne] said, “Don’t close the suitcase completely, please.” And we said, “Look, it will be quick,” and then we promised him we wouldn’t but then we closed it anyway. But we opened it right away.

And was he upset?

A little, but then he was okay.

As with all things Boll, it gets better. Save your talk about alternative fuels, world, because Boll wants to convert ubiquitous Internet fanboy hatred into terrible Boll cinema. What a concept! Specifically, Boll wants to turn you and me into bloodsucking zombie extras in his upcoming Wii-adaptation Zombie Massacre.

“I have the rights to [Wii game] Zombie Massacre, and maybe we should do that movie with all the gamers and Boll haters, and people who signed that petition anti-Boll, or pro-Boll, we all meet in a big, small city – somewhere in the Midwest. And we all shoot Zombie Massacre together; they all play zombies, and they’re there and can give me advice if they think they can do it better than me. …I could have the biggest movie ever, basically for free! Because they would definitely all be there.”

Ladies and gents, the Internet is Boll’s sandbox, littered with sharp obscenities, petitions, and gum. The only question that remains is…

Discuss: If Boll makes Zombie Massacre will you cuome? Oh, and well, should Rockstar Games allow Uwe Boll to make a GTA short film, advertisement or just turn him into a death-attracting avatar?

Love Guru Movie Poster

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The first poster for Mike Myers‘s The Love Guru has arrived to tickle your funny bone like a jumbo-sized mustache. Except, if you’re like me, you already find yourself thinking about this June release, the schtick involved and the oncoming marketing blitz and your mind turns into an incurable rash. Myers stars as Pitka, an American left in India as a tyke, thus explaining his Rasputin-like appearance, a knee-slappin’ accent, and his horny nature. Jessica Alba, Justin Timberlake, Verne Troyer aka Mini Me, Ben Kingsley (Ghandi 2, much?) and hockey co-star! Can we just cast Mini Me in a remake of The Impossible Kid and get it over with? View the full-on kooky-horoscope of a poster and its tagline after the jump…

via IMPA

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Bad Movie Trailers: Uwe Boll’s Postal

Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll is known for creating some of the worst movies of all time out of video game adaptations (Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, House of the Dead). We now have a look at the first trailer for Boll’s latest: POSTAL.

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