UPDATE: I would like to thank the NAVY SEALS for reading my post.
We were so close to posting two Steven Seagal items in a single month. It would have made for a Slashfilm record and depressing office party. The contemplative martial artist marinated with MTV on the status of Under Siege 3, the (only?) vehicle that would return him to theaters. As you might expect, Seagal has put a lot of thought into where his John McClane, the Navy Seal chef Casey Rybeck, is headed…
“I personally want it to be something more modern. [long pause] In other words, [long pause] I wouldn’t mind if it was about something more mystical [...]

Cinematical has a lovely gallery of images for the new Steven Seagal starrer Kill Switch, including the spoilerish one above. Alas, fans hoping for a theatrical comeback from the widow’s peaked wonder (and latest addition to the Geek Squad) will have to make due with an October DVD release and this angina-inducing logline…
Detective Jacob Stillwell (Steven Seagal) is one of the most celebrated homicide detectives in the country. His brutal delivery of street justice is legendary among the men and women of law enforcement. But on this latest case, he may have finally met his match Lazerus, a cunning and perversely violent killer who is on the loose and terrorizing [...]

Steven Seagal is CockPuncher from The Onion Movie
The Pitch: Steven Seagal plays in this summers hardest ballbusting flick.. a real wonk in the nut sack!
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Here is a round up of stories that just didn’t make the /Film front page, or what we like to call…. Page 2!

Lobster Johnson created this custom Heath Ledger-version Joker Munny.
Patrick Read Johnson has found financing to complete post production on his autobiographical indie “77,” (formerly titled 5/25/77) which chronicles the director’s journeys in Hollywood with George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. [THR]
William Shatner claims JJ Abrams never called him back. [trekmovie]
Warner Bros has scheduled a September 19th release date for Whiteout. [shock]

JustJared has new photos from the set of Crank 2: High Voltage which show star Jason Statham with some nasty fake scars on his back.
WALL-E was given a G-Rating [...]

No, I haven’t read this book (although I plan to), but the title was enough to land this paperback a spot in our daily Cool Stuff. Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal is a new 352 page book from AICN film critic Vern.
The cover describes the book as “an in-depth study of the world’s only aikido instructor turned movie star/director/writer/blues guitarist/energy drink inventor - the ass-kicking auteur Steven Seagal. From Above the Law to his Mountain Dew commercials, his entire career is covered in Vern’s inimitable style.” As Vern himself puts it, Seagalogy is “a book that will shake the very foundations of film criticism, break [...]

So, it’s sort of official that Will Ferrell killed edgy comedy last weekend with his b-ball floparoni Semi-Pro. An R-rated afro, post-Herzog bear fighting, and the era that Peter Frampton built (the ’70s) only takes you so far in 2008. What’s the solution? How about a three-year-old movie from The Onion? Yes, ladies and gentlemen and hard working spider-bots, the long shelved The Onion Movie is scooting over onto a DVD shelf near you later this year.
“America’s Finest News Source,” The Onion is the funnier, ballsier grandfather to The Daily Show, and its satiric newspaper and website haven’t exactly tamed with age. It remains an Internet champion of sorts, launching [...]