Just over a year ago we heard that Atari was pitching a Missile Command movie. That’s a fairly ridiculous notion, given that the original arcade game was a story free way to mix simple geometry and gaming, but not a very surprising one given the way other projects have been set up at studios in recent months. (Ahem, Battleship, etc.)
At the time, it looked like Missile Command might end up at Fox, and now a year later that’s what has happened. And there are even writers attached to turn the (non)story of paranoid cold war geometry into a movie.
Variety says that Burk Sharpless and Matt Sazama (Dracula Year Zero, Flash Gordon) will write for Fox, with Peter Chernin producing through Chernin Entertainment. What’s the story? No idea. Sure, there was some BS backstory invented for Missle Command when the game was ported to home consoles like the Atari 2600 and 5200. But there’s no reason to expect that it will be carried forward to this film.
So here’s a pitch: make the movie involve a fictional version of the young Roy Shildt, when he was the sorta-costumed video game champion Mr. Awesome. This guy is one of the primo weirdos of the early video game generation, and one who has stuck around all the way into the present day, with involvement in the Donkey Kong rivalry chronicled in The King of Kong. (And we just referenced that rivalry earlier today — see, he’s still relevant!)
A story that combined tales of Missile Command plus the formation of the Rich and Famous Fellatio Hall of Fame (no kidding; watch the video below if you’ve never seen it) would kill at the box office. Well, maybe not, but how could it not be more interesting than a straight-faced narrative interpretation of Missile Command?
Warning: the following video is vaguely not safe for work because of some near-nudity from Playgirl magazine and some talk about blowjobs.