Posted on Thursday, April 10th, 2008 by Hunter Stephenson
Editors Note: The following rant includes some very strong language. Please be advised…
You know those fake dipshits who voted for Bush (once, twice, whatevs) and now try to explain and express their sorrows about the Iraq “War” and the economy’s collapse to you? Yeah, my new keychain from Supreme says “F**k ‘Em” for a reason. But, yeah, those dipshits are not half as bad as all of these movie critics who are now jerking off Paul Thomas Anderson‘s There Will Be Blood now that it’s safely tucked-in on DVD.
What a bunch of fucking cunts. Srsly.
How many articles do I have to read from “new-and-old-media” movie critics about why the general public doesn’t give a flying shit about movie critics anymore (the most unproven, self-obsessed employees in the Western World)? Nobody gives a shit because even when a film is as fucking fantastically great and earth-shaking as TWBB, these mocha-choking-assholes don’t have the guts to call it out until they can watch it “four times on DVD” and even then it’s still an “A- or B-minus.”
What is the deal? I understand why a pathetic college-educated, money-sucking wanker like Gregory Kirschling at Entertainment Weekly now calls TWBB a “masterpiece” after numerous viewings, after dissing it the first time. His first impression? The film was fucking “weird” and “with little of the flash or exuberance or life of PTA’s previous epics, Boogie Nights and Magnolia.” Are you fucking kidding me? I saw TWBB once and automatically knew it was light years beyond No Country For Old Men in every way. I smoked a huge joint and realized it was practically impossibly great! My editor Peter, who did not smoke a joint at all, agreed (seriously, our TWBB discussion is why I write for Slashfilm and love this site). When I saw the film two more times, I realized that the movie totally killed the very notion of God. Was I wrong? I honestly don’t care.
I have not read one “movie critic” discuss such implications, but that is what the public wants. They crave controversial, bizarre-even, opinions about today’s films. Not PR-pleasing bullshit. You want Pauline Kael? I don’t. She wasn’t fucking Mary, okay? I want new light. I don’t want Lester Bangs. No more death. I want young bloods who say what they think and then go party the night away.
I love CHUD (the site, the movie a lil’ less); but Devin’s review, while well worded, doesn’t come clean about what this film means and is about. Do we need PTA to get his bib dirty? I’m glad that Devin doesn’t refer to Plainview as “evil” as so many assholes have, but c’mon. The DVD is packaged like a Bible for a reason. This movie is about the end of religion in the face of American progress, as ugly as that concept is. It’s about being a man and facing off in a world full of supernatural, batshit “man in the sky” bullshit and how that can drive said man crazy, then and now. Get out of here Ghost! It’s about sons and fathers, when the father can’t have a son and how he looks at the world with that in mind. It’s about killing a God that doesn’t exist. It’s a fucking great movie and possibly in the top 10 ever made.
Critics, grow some huge balls. Do drugs. The world’s best scientists are (Adderall, so ’04 btw). Live life, then watch movies. Don’t shrink in a chair. Get crazy. Come up with weird theories about new movies for the helluva it. Like Quentin Tarantino says, if you back up a cool review up with examples, they will come and cum. Stop pretending like you are immortal in the face of mainstream mediocrity. The Internet is now your pimp. Show some skin (not literally, please never), but get freaky.
TWBB is a fucking masterpiece and it shits all over No Country For Old Men. That is ALL. Either you said it then (LIKE WE DID AT SLASHFILM) or you are an idiot. Every scene of TWBB is worth 1,000 words. Here’s to the new generation.