the adventures of panda warrior trailer

As long as there are successful Hollywood franchises, there will be rip-offs. This is true in America, where companies like the Asylum have built an entire business model around making movies that look just similar enough to major blockbusters to confuse grandparents and stoners. However, it’s especially true on the international stage, where scrappy filmmakers all over the world have been abusing copyright for decades now. I highly recommend Remake, Remix, Rip-Off, a wonderful documentary about the anarchic world of Turkish cinema in the ’60s and ’70s if you want so see examples of some truly, beautifully shameless filmmaking.

But today, we’re turning our eyes to China, who have produced a Kung Fu Panda rip-off that looks like it clawed its way out of the deepest recesses of your nightmares. And because the universe is cruel (or because parents will confuse it with the other movie about the martial artist panda bear and will pick it up without knowing better), it’s getting an American release courtesy of Lionsgate.

Known as The Adventures of Jinbao in its native country, The Adventures of Panda Warrior will be released straight to DVD, digital download, and VOD later this summer. And oh boy, does it look…not good. Audiences accustomed to animated movies with things like textures and facial expressions and more than two recycled backgrounds will certainly find this inexcusable. And that’s before you get to the unsettling character designs, the dead-eyed lead character, the plot that is a brazen carbon copy of a certain DreamWorks Animation franchise, and the mere presence of Rob Schneider as the lead character. Schneider is backed up by a who’s who of people hoping to add extensions to their homes, including Haylie Duff, Norm MacDonald, Lauren Elizabeth, and Tom Kenny.

Watch this The Adventures of Panda Warrior trailer below. There is a moment where a pig propels himself into the sky with his own flatulence. It will be carved into your brain with a psychic knife. You won’t forget about it.

Here is the official synopsis for the film, which clarifies that this film takes place in “Merryland,” not “Maryland,” which is actually fairly confusing in the trailer:

When Patrick (Rob Schneider), a peaceful soldier from ancient China, is magically transported to Merryland and turned into a Panda, he must join forces with Peggy the flying pig (Lauren Elizabeth), GoGo the daring goat (Haylie Duff), and King Leo the courageous lion (Norm MacDonald) in order to free the once-peaceful world from the tyranny of the evil nine-headed snake that has enslaved them.

The Adventures of Panda Warrior will arrive on August 2. The portal opens. The chants begin.

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