When applicable, IMDB should include an “Actress: Theatrical” entry for porn stars. Sony Pictures has enthusiastically announced that Jenna Jameson (Private Parts) will once again be sliding down America’s luxurious cineplex flagpole, this time in the grindhouse-y Zombie Strippers alongside Robert Englund. On April 18th, the direct-to-DVD flick will play in numerous select American cities and we have the [insert porn pun] listing below.
If you haven’t seen the trailer or the poster we have those too. You know what? Maybe it’s a case of expectations limbo, but the Zombie Strippers trailer is superior to the Lost Boys: The Tribe trailer. That is just depressing.
[flv:http://media2.slashfilm.com/slashfilm/trailers/zombiestrippers.flv 460 212]
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This is what happens when you get the sniffles and ignore the beat for a couple of hours: the world of Hollywood deals starts exploding with awfulness. Something in the Elm Street-verse started feeling askew a few weeks ago when Freddy Krueger himself, Robert Englund, said he thought it was a good idea to remake Wes Craven‘s A Nightmare on Elm Street and perhaps pass his claw on to someone else. Word arrives today that production house Platinum Dunes (of which Michael Bay is a partner) and New Line Cinema are setting a plan into motion to completely revamp the franchise, just like they’re doing with Friday the 13th and Jason Voorhees, which starts filming in early May. Platinum Dunes have previously set their signature glossy and tan paws on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Eric Red’s The Hitcher and the upcoming Hitchcock-remake The Birds.
A writer will not be hired for the project until after the strike, and no director is attached. Like I said, Englund probably won’t be back. Platinum Dunes can have Jason, fine. Those films are addictive T&A crowd-pleasers and I’m sure they’ll make Crystal Lake shimmer and pop like an airbrushed painting on the side of a stoner van. But ANOES needs a visionary director that will keep the 10-year-old kids who sneak into the remake up in sheer fright for years. This is real deal psychological horror, complete with dream logic, and not simply “caller’s in the house” cliche after cliche, though Craven’s film did that well, as well. I mean, can you imagine the ghostly girls jumping rope singing “3, 4 better lock your door” in Bay-protege-o-vision? Why not just ring up Larry Flynt to do the casting and work the water hose?
The blame here really goes to New Line, though. Freddy Krueger saved that studio’s arse several times throughout its history, and while a ANOES remake is never going to compete with The Hobbit for box office, is it too much to ask to hand the franchise over to a director who will leave the throbbing hormones to the other schlock that passes for horror these days? Johnny Depp might have even done a cameo if it was up to snuff. As for Englund, if he’s okay with ending his contribution with Freddy vs. Jason, who can argue? He’s not right for a water hose reimagining anyhow.
Whenever New Line sees dark skies, as they no doubt have with The Golden Compass, they make sure to rub their golden poobah, Fred Krueger, and send him back down Elm Street. A Deep Throat inside New Line has whispered to Bloody Disgusting that plans for Freddy vs. Jason 2 are off, as is the A Nightmare on Elm Street prequel that had Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer‘s John McNaughton attached to direct. The source finally gets to the point, saying that Freddy is gearing up to return in a new ANOES installment, but leaves more questions than answers, like whether it’s a restart a la the studio’s Friday the 13th in 2009, a re-imagining like Rob Zombie’s Halloween, or a homoerotic metaphor like 1985’s Freddy’s Revenge. Nor is it confirmed whether Mr. Robert Englund will be involved, but we’ll just leave that to what lawyers call “good faith” and parents call “common sense, golly.”
Ever since he rapped with the Fat Boys, horror fans have pined for Freddy to toss his bag of rotten jokes and return to the truly scary claw-screeching supernatural killer seen in Wes Craven’s original. As someone who rocked a Dream Warriors puff-paint t-shirt purchased at Record Bar (!) in elementary school, I am that fan. Let’s also hope that studio head Bob Shaye gives the rest of His Dark Materials a chance, eh, because Freddy needs more than one movie to regain his street cred after Jason Voorhees bullied him around like Dawn Wiener in F vs J. Speaking of which, do you think Freddy’s newly detached head and Ms. Voorhees’ head have made out in Jason’s cabin? I do.
I remember when going to a comic-con meant you were going to see something new and special. Something not available online for anyone to see. That day is gone. The teaser trailer for Hatchet was supossed to make it’s grand premiere at the New York City Comic Con this weekend, but has already turned up online. They didn’t even wait till Monday. If I were going to Comic-con, I’d be pissed. But since I’m not there, I’m glad to have this video.
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