Geostorm trailer 2

Every week in /Answers, we attempt to answer a new pop culture-related question. With Geostorm invading theaters this weekend (and not being screened for critics), we’re asking “What unapologetically stupid movie do actually love with all of your heart?” Low-budget cult items like Plan 9 From Outer Space and The Room were disqualified – our choices had to be major movies that somehow got made by human adults.

Ethan Anderton: Jingle All the Way

“It’s Turbo Time!” Every single Christmas ,I end up watching this movie a couple times. I own it on DVD. Sometimes I’ll turn it on when it happens to be on TV. It is shamelessly goofy, completely ridiculous, has the most insufferable characters, and sends the worst message to the audience. And I love every minute of it.

Remember when Sinbad and Arnold Schwarzenegger were both viable box office stars? Sinbad dominated the ’90s with comedies for adults and kids alike while Arnold Schwarzenegger was one of the biggest action stars in the world. Whenever the latter dabbled in comedy, you knew you were in for something positively foolish. Schwarzenegger doesn’t know how to do subtle comedy, and since Jingle All the Way lacks even a modicum of subtlety, that makes him the perfect leading man for this slapstick holiday comedy.

All the situations in which Arnold Schwarzenegger tries to get his hands on a Turbo Man doll are completely absurd. What kind of chain toy store in a shopping mall doubles the price of a toy on Christmas? Why does that same store endanger all of their customers by having them jump after lottery balls? Why are people so desperate for one of those balls when there’s only a small chance that they’ll get one of the dolls? Is there seriously an underground, bootleg toy market run by mall Santa Clauses?

But if that’s not wacky enough, the completely outlandish climax involving a parade superhero costume being equipped with a fully functional jetpack should do the trick. How is it that the Minneapolis Wintertainment parade has a superhero suit equipped with a jetpack over 10 years before Iron Man was a thing, and why isn’t our military using these things? It doesn’t make any goddamn sense!

Equally inexplicable is my love for this movie. A lot of it comes from Arnold Schwarzenegger and his unshakable accent making the most innocuous lines sound hilarious. “Who said you could eat my cookie?!” I laugh at that every time. Plus, we get to hear that scream that only Schwarzenegger can deliver when he falls out of the sky after accidentally turning off his jetpack. And let’s not forget that Phil Hartman is almost a saving grace, bringing that perfect, smarmy, next door neighbor personality to life as only the SNL veteran could.

Jingle All the Way is probably the worst movie that I genuinely enjoy and watch repeatedly. I don’t care how much shame it brings upon my family, and I can’t wait until Christmas rolls around so I can watch it again. Also, if anyone wants to send me a Turbo Man, I’m not going to be mad about it.

Vanessa Bogart: Wild Wild West

I should begin by saying that I didn’t know that Wild Wild West was a bad movie until I started paying attention to the looks on people’s faces when I told them that I love it. I was dumbfounded by all of the whining and the soured “You can’t be serious” remarks. Pure, blind, and unconditional, that is how much I truly, whole heartedly, unapologetically love this film. Will Smith’s Wild Wild West song is part of my running playlist, I can quote the film on command, and the last time I watched it was no less than two months ago. I didn’t think there was another person on the planet that loved this movie outside of me and my sister. When I found someone who did, I married him. Okay, that isn’t the only reason I married him, but apparently finding another living, breathing, well-adjusted person that loves Wild Wild West is like finding a leprechaun riding a unicorn from Mars.

Every single technical flaw in Wild Wild West can be 100% overlooked (in my opinion) for some very important reasons. First of all, Will Smith in the all black cowboy outfit is about one of the sexiest things that has ever existed. Not to mention that he is a revenge driven son of murdered slaves that was taken in by Native Americans in the desert. What a character! Secondly, Kevin Kline is a cross-dressing U.S. Marshall/ steampunk inventor. Third, they work together. Fourth, the wonderful, Shakespearean actor, Kenneth Branagh plays a half-man, half-industrial spider post-Civil War villain, with an over-the-top accent and the world’s greatest facial hair. Fifth, Salma Hayek. She is her own reason. And finally, Wild Wild West is just pure entertainment from beginning to end. As one of the few VHS tapes my sister and I had in our bedroom, watching Wild Wild West was an almost weekly occurrence. Not only that, but it was not uncommon for us to rewind our favorite scenes for multiple viewings, because they were just too damn good to watch only once.

I don’t see how you could possibly bother yourself with paying attention to any alleged flaws. It has sex appeal, it has violence, it has humor, and it has steampunk spiders. I stand proud in my love for Wild Wild West, however I would never dare debate anyone on its quality, because as steadfastly as I believe in my above reasoning, my defense doesn’t go much further than, “Come on, man, Will Smith and a giant steampunk spider…”

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