Movie Review: 10,000 BC

Editors note: This review is a little late, and its entirely my fault as I accidently passed it while working at SXSW in Austin.

10,000BC

The Following is Documented Wiki Info: The 10th millennium BC marks the beginning of the Mesolithic, or Epipaleolithic period, which is the first part of the Holocene epoch.

[World population was likely below 5 million people, mostly hunting-gathering communities scattered over all continents, save for Antarctica, and with the proto-Lapita migration also reaching the islands of the Pacific. Pottery, and with pottery probably cooking, was developed independently in Japan and North Africa[citation needed]. It is likely that the earliest incidence of Agriculture, based on the cultivation of primitive forms of millet and rice, occurred in southeast Asia, around 10,000 BC. Agriculture also began to develop in the Armenian Highlands, and the Fertile Crescent, but would not be practiced widely or predominantly for another 2,000 years; however, figs of a parthenocarpic breed were found in the Gilgal I neolithic village in the Jordan River valley. The Würm glaciation ended, and the beginning interglacial, which endures to this day, allows the re-settlement of northern regions.]

That is the REAL 10,000 BC. The actuality and realism of the film is fictitiously hilarious and now that I’ve seen it, I believe it is just, and only, a special effects extravaganza. I cannot stress enough how all over the place this movie was, and that I was entertained primarily on the notion that this was a ridiculous film. Get ready readers, this may be one of the only pseudo bad reviews I give for a flick, and I will stress that while I did not hate this movie, I by no means loved it. I’m madly in like with this movie. I liked it okay. It’s the best way I can describe it, almost like the way you enjoy Daredevil, “It’s so bad, you can’t keep your eyes away.”

So there is a tribe. This tribe of hunters and gatherers are led by a woman who is the “Mother” of the tribe and has not just “I’m a witchdoctor” powers, but full blown psychic ability. The tribe is living at the top of a snowy mountain surrounded by such a beautiful and majestic view of clouds, you wonder how they could live at such an unbreathable elevation and that they would have died off that way anyhow. The beginning shows our hero Steven Strait, who is only a child. His father has created the ruse of leaving the tribe, but it was for a good cause which he keeps secret and still by the end of the movie I never understood completely why. There is a prophesy that a blue eyed girl would come and be the “Woman” of the hero of the tribe. When they get “All growned up” (Sorry, I’m in Nashville), the young blue eyed girl is the Super Hot Camilla Belle and there is a long overdo hunt about to begin. Needless to say the tribe of hunters in the same vein of Dances with Wolves attacks a bunch of fairly well done wooly mammoths.

Now see if you can keep up. I’m not joking, this is how Clusterfucked this film was…With stunning visuals. I’m giving the gist right now.

One night the village is attacked by four legged demons, (Viking looking men on Horses), they capture most of the villagers and take off. So Strait and two guys go after their people to rescue them. Yes, three naked hunters against, fully armed men on horseback. At the base of their snowy mountains they enter a steaming hot jungle in hot pursuit. Now even though I forgot to mention that the tribe is made up of pretty white people with dreads, Native Americans, and I believe, Eskimos, it all seemed like a puzzle that came with pieces that never intended to match. It was all very odd, because their captors are Egyptian Viking types. Egyptians are a more Middle Eastern looking and Vikings are giant Scandinavian blonds….So they combined the two. Now entering the jungle, this is where they are attacked ala Jurassic Park by man eating ostriches that look, sound, and attack like Raptors.

After this, it is the point where they hit the desert, and make allies with basically the whole of the Zulu nation, who agree to help them because the Vikings hit them too. Now is the confusing part. They secretly arrive at the pyramids that are being built by Africans and wooly mammoths. There is no Pharaoh, but a living god that they do not delve into enough to make him a substantial character. So they try to incite a revolt among the slaves, and take on Egypt.

See I’m getting confused now just trying to explain. They went from the snowy mountains, to the hot jungle, to the desert, and finally to the pyramids in that order. Which by the way, were not put together with wooly mammoths as beasts of burden, I think it was Jewish slaves, right?

Now without giving away anymore story I would like to say, it was a very attractive movie and the effects were extremely decent. Strait and Belle are both pretty little Hollywood newbies and did a good job with their longing looks and batting their pretty eyes. Also for your convenience, apparently 12,000 years ago, everyone still spoke proper English. I give it a 5/10, just for the effects and popcorn value of a throwaway movie. In a nutshell, if you can understand titling this movie “The Jurassic Apocalypto Pathfinder the Day after Tomorrow” You’d understand completely and not need to see it. However if you have a rainy Saturday going down and you feel like a matinee, do it up. Hunter (The writer, not the guy in the flick) may need to smoke a little something something before hand, but I believe everyone who sees this may need to inebriate themselves in order to actually get the depth, like Vietnam. “You weren’t there man! Those hairy elephants were crazy!!”

I think it takes genius behind the scenes to put together a movie this epically beautiful. But I believe strongly as a writer and a reviewer that a well written script is important along with a wonderful director with vision, great production and a stunning visual team. A poorly written script with top fucking notch effects and promotion shouldn’t be the bar we set to make bank on a film weekend to weekend. It needs to be the few and far between dirty rocks we clean off, and realize they are actually diamonds we were never expecting to come across.

Discuss:
Does a movie need to be pretty and entertaining to matter, or have depth? We do not often get all the elements put together.

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