Big Trouble in Little China

Maxim Magazine is celebrating the best of the worst motion pictures in the March issue. We bring you “The 20 Greatest Awful Movies of All Time.”

Maxim’s picks, or more accurately, pans:

20. The Beastmaster: Half Conan and half Dr. Dolittle, loincloth-wearing Marc Singer is Dar, a man who talks to the animals…and kills people.

19. Hard Target: Jean-Claude Van Damme’s lone film with Wilford Brimley is good family fun, provided your idea of family fun is watching homeless Vietnam vets being hunted for sport.

18. Hot Dog…The Movie!: It has skiing, a jagoff German and topless scenes. Instant classic.

17. Over the Top: A Stallone steamer about a man who regains his son’s love by arm wrestling.

16. Tango & Cash: Ali and Frazier. Magic and Bird. Sly and Kurt. It’s a dream pairing of B-movie icons in the tale of rival cops who bond by putting grenades in people’s pants.

15. They Live: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper has sunglasses that enable him to see that many people are, in fact, aliens. It’s a real crowd pleaser.

14. Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins- They were looking for a blockbuster action franchise. That didn’t happen.

13. Boondock Saints: Writer-director Troy Duffy was supposed to be the next Tarantino. His one film pre-flame-out features Willem Dafoe swishing it up as a gay FBI agent.

12. Starship Troopers: Satire of fascism or just miserably acted flick about kids who wanna squash some bugs? At least it stars Doogie Howser!

11. The Toxic Avenger: Troma Films’ masterpiece reveals what happens when a nerdy janitor falls in toxic waste: superpower strength to rip off a person’s arm and beat him with it.

10. Best of the Best: James Earl Jones, Eric Roberts and the US karate team beat Koreans into kimchi.

9. Missing in Action: While Vietnam wasn’t much fun at the time, it’s made for a lot of awesome movies. This one may not have the cinematic merit of Full Metal Jacket, but it has something better: Chuck Norris.

8. Commando: After a former Latin American dictator snatches his daughter, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ex-GI John Matrix must rescue her using only violence and one-liners: “I let him go,” “He’s dead tired.”

7. The Island of Dr. Moreau: Your chance to see Brando with an ice bucket on his head.

6. Billy Madison: The inspiring tale of a lad who just wants to “touch the hiney.”

5. Dead Alive: In this pre-Lord of the Rings gorefest by Peter Jackson, zombies battle with Father McGruder, the kung fu priest.

4. Dolemite: The coolest/worst made blaxploitation flick. A pimp tries to duck the boom mike drifting into shoots.

3. Showgirls: Nomi’s a small-town gal with big dreams to become a topless dancer in Vegas. She must first endure sleazy casino execs, rock stars and much gratuitous nudity.

2. Porky’s: The subplot about anti-Semitism wasn’t the best, but respect must be paid for bringing glory holes to the mainstream and teaching us why Kim Cattrall is called Lassie.

1. Big Trouble in Little China: Kurt Russell needs to save a green-eyed girl from a Chinese man who wants to marry her so that he can take over the universe. Or something like that. Honestly, no one knows what’s actually going on in this guns and kung fu mishmash, but if you spot it while flipping channels you will watch it until the end.

Peter Sciretta’s comments: Boondock Saints? Are they nuts. Troy Duffy is another subject all together, but why include this film on a list of the best bad movies? Toxic Avenger should rank higher. I’m surprised The Class of Nukem High didn’t make it. Also, Uwe Boll’s House of the Dead so bad that it’s hilariously funny. But I agree, his movies don’t deserve to be on any list other than the worst movies of all time.

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