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The clock is ticking. In minutes, I am scheduled to interview Corey Haim. But I need more time to: find my good sunglasses, make a margarita, and hook up my interview shit poolside at a friend’s house. The publicist agrees to push the interview back half-an-hour. The power of /Film. By-and-by, it all works out and the publicist fulfills a dream. I’m not into doing interviews. Much too often, there is A) a bitchy studio hawk circling, B) a wait-time worthy of a disappointing rap concert/Comcast, or C) the celeb is so glazed-over from blurting the same answers to ‘net middle men on every continent that you feel like hugging them, and then slapping them. And likewise for them, sans the personal contact.

But Corey Haim is Z) reached levels of non-ironic cool that even Steve McQueen (not the Hunger one) and Lee Marvin (the Prime Cut one) could never touch. Like brightly-dyed shorts with displaced geometric patterns, Haim burst onto the scene as the American teenager in the 1980s. For an actor—and for our younger readers—that requires more natural pep than LeBron James has hops. And in my opinion, Haim was the first real, believable and awesome geek on screen (dude, your comic store’s Dewey Decimal System blows) who could get laid. And thus, maybe get you laid. Paul Rudd would come much later. Paul Rudd is also a geek narc. Haim can be seen in theaters this weekend wearing a mullet in Crank: High Voltage.

Excluding the initial actions above, I didn’t prepare for the interview; I know I’ll be interviewing Corey again soon when he gets a major theatrical role. It needs to happen, Hollywood. Our chat was fun, casual, whatever. Haim has the laid back charm over the tele that many of us know so well. Just add a cigarette.

/Film: Hello Corey Haim.

Corey Haim: What’s up Hunter. How you doin’?

Ha. I’m doing fine, sittin’ by the pool. So you have a role in Crank 2. How did you first meet [writer/directors Mark] Neveldine and [Brian] Taylor?

Corey Haim: Actually, a while ago man. I believe. See, I was supposed to be in the first movie. Was it the same character? A character. I just know that in this movie they wanted me to play this character. Randy.

Right.

Corey Haim: Let me give you a description of my character.

Sure.

Corey Haim: I’m basically just a hick; really, really hick guy. I’m really protective over Amy [Smart]. And I’ve got a mullet beyond Joe Dirt.

Mullet. Saw it.

Corey Haim: And I wear shirts and stuff. Like, “Nice Juggs.”

What did you think when they showed you the wig, er, mullet for the first time?

Corey Haim: I loved it. For Randy it’s perfect. Absolutely perfect. But a lot of it was my real hair, like extensions and stuff. It hurt. It hurts for, like, the first four hours. It feels like a sinus headache.

[laughs]

Corey Haim: [laughs]

[laughs]

Corey Haim: So, yeah, I’m just in a couple scenes where I get my butt kicked pretty good. I have an encounter with Jason [Statham] where my character’s like [laughs], “Why the hell are you talking to Amy [Smart's character]” and he throws me into a really bad room. And then, later, Amy kicks my ass.

And this would be your first time getting your ass kicked by a girl?

Corey Haim: In a movie or in real life?

Both.

Corey Haim: I think…probably not, no. On a movie…I would have to say “no” on that one. In real life? I think I’ve gotten my ass kicked…I don’t know. It probably is one of the first times, I think, that a woman has kicked my booty…in a movie. Fast Getaway. Yeah, Cynthia Rothrock. Yeah.

As a Canadian, do you consider your character in Crank to be a hoser?

Corey Haim: No, he’s not that type of hick. He’s not like that. He’s, like, L.A. trash, man but beyond L.A. trash. Like…beyond, man.

Your character looks like something out of Class of Nuke ‘Em High.

Corey Haim: No. It’s just like, why does Randy exist? He’s always saying something like [fey voice], “Who issssss thisssss guy, are you kiddddinggg me?” You know, like one of those people, that you can’t say that to because you’ll offend them. He’s like that.

The Lost Boys is definitely in my top ten films of all time…

Corey Haim: Dude, thanks.

…and the sequel is one of the biggest fucking ball-drops of all time…

Corey Haim: What, The Tribe? Yeah, they called me three months after that movie was being made. And they said we’d like to do some alternate endings and some re-shoots. And I was like, “You know I inquired about this movie and you guys said you didn’t want me, and now you do.” So, I did it…I mean it’s Lost Boys 2.

I’ve spoken to a few of the people involved with the sequel behind-the-scenes. I still don’t get how it turned out so shitty. And you agree that it sucked…

Corey Haim: Man, absolutely. No offense to the crew and cast. They did a great job.

So, now there’s talk about Lost Boys 3. It seems to be happening.

Corey Haim: There’s always ideas being kicked around. There’s talk about number four and number five. The Lost Girls. Just different people at the office. But it’s too late. They should have done it years ago, or just done it properly. It’s way too late. That’s just my opinion.

In the ’80s, one of your signature Haim-isms was that you always had your mouth open, and you would go, “Haa Haa.” How did you come up with that, because…

Corey Haim: Yeah, I don’t know what that was from. I did a movie with Cloris Leachman [Never Too Late], and she…actually, she came to the premiere of  License to Drive and told me the exact thing. She was like, “You keep your mouth open, you’ve got to stop doing that, that’s a bad habit.” And my mom always used to say that I was “catching flies.” I don’t know, man. I don’t why I used to do that. Just a bad habit, I guess?

So it wasn’t intentional, it wasn’t to get chicks? Because…

Corey Haim: It was just, like, you know how people have stutters? I used to keep my mouth open and catch flies. I don’t know.

That’s funny. Because that shit caught on. A lot of kids were imitating that and still do: the open mouth with that little “Haah Haah” laugh that was, like, on a two-second delay. Or an even longer delay, where you’d put your head on someone’s shoulder…

Corey Haim: Did it turn into a trend by accident? [laughs] What the hell happened man? [faux-defeated voice] JUST AN ACCIDENT MAN. Just an accident.

So, do you have a mantra or a philosophy on life? Or about the business?

Corey Haim: Nah, man. It’s a business like any other. Except we create a character and stay in that character for a certain amount of time. I mean, I’m working. I’m happy to be working. My mantra is like, whenever I’m working, “it’s Now Time.” When you’re on downtime, you try to keep working. My mantra is to keep moving, keep working. Me working, that’s a good thing.

Yeah. I agree. Do you have any aspirations besides acting?

Corey Haim: I want to direct. Definitely a goal of mine. I want to direct sci-fi, definitely not horror. Horror movies, man, the blood entails so much time. And horror movies are not fun, definitely not starting there as a director. Definitely not horror. I’d like to do something like License to Drive. Maybe some cool animation? I’m just kicking ideas around. I really like dramas, and horror movies are second…well, if I can get past the blood, I’m good to go. Then third, comedy is where it’s at for me, so that’s always number one, but maybe I’ll mix it up and make it a dramedy? And I’ll start directing from there.

Yeah. That’s a plan. There was never a movie that featured you and Corey Feldman as dads with kids…like, working title: Coreys with Coreys

Corey Haim: Yeah. There won’t be.

[laughs] [laughs]

Corey Haim: Yeah, we’re done. It’s over. It’s taken a long time for us to separate. And our fans, I call them “supporters,” and they’re great. They’re being so cool about it. But it took them a long time too. Like, the same with me, you know? It took them a long time to realize that we are not one person. I wish him all the best, man. God bless! Cool.

So, you’re not on Twitter and it just seems like that is something you should do.

Corey Haim: You’re the fourth person in four days to tell me about Twitter. What the hell is that man? A social network? No thanks man. I stay away from that world.

You’ve made a couple of movies about resorts.

Corey Haim: Uh, sure. Okay.

You disagree?

Corey Haim: I mean, I’ve definitely been on different terrains, different weather conditions…

You made Last Resort, Fever Lake, that one movie about snowboarding [Snowboard Academy]. If you had your pick, what’s the ideal resort movie?

Corey Haim: Cancun would be cool. Hawaii, I want to make a movie there. I like a warm place.

I like it, that’s a good mantra.

Crank: High Voltage, starring Corey Haim as Randy, opens nationwide on April 17th.

Hunter Stephenson can be reached at h.attila[at]gmail and on Twitter and Tumblr.

Special thanks to Maggot. Special shout to WL and Miles. Hunter has one wish: that the Coreys eventually reunite and take over the Weekend at Bernie’s franchise. His living will contains a two-page treatment.

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