Gymkata (1985); Robert Clouse, director.

It’s good to know that the cold war was won on the pommel horse.

A classic best worst movie contender, Gymkata has more that just one ridiculous concept propelling it. Firstly, in Eastern Europe there is a mysterious power that grants wishes to anyone who can survive “The Game.” (Said game, it would seem, is to get attacked by people covered in dirty rags.) Uncle Sam wants to win the game, because they want to deploy a missile base there. (Why they don’t, um, rent a place isn’t mentioned.)

The only way they can win is to sent in THE BEST. And since Rambo was busy, they send in. . .Kurt Thomas.

Kurt Thomas has a skill, of course, and that still mixing badass martial arts with wussy gymnastics. Behold the Master of Gymkata!

The only thing that stinks about this movie was that there was no sequel in space: Gymkata on Ganymede!

Grand Prix (1966); John Frankenheimer, director.

Wait, this is a sport, not a deadly competition! Ah, clearly you haven’t seen Grand Prix! They’re dropping like flies in this fifteen hour slog of a movie that, for some reason or other, is considered a classic.

Why am I recommending a really, really boring movie? Because armed with the power of a fast-forward button you can skip past the dreadfully dated “talking parts” and skip right to the amazingly shot and edited racing sequences. Trust me, no one calls this movie a milestone for its love scenes.

Even through the osmosis of chapter skipping you’ll pick up on the moral grey area of Formula One racers. They hold one another in the highest regard, but must only one can be the best. And they all seem to go flying upside down on fire into a ditch at some point.

The FP (2012); The Trost Bros., directors.

Formula One racing isn’t the only sport with a body count. What about Dance Dance Revolution? What about Dance Dance Revolution in a parallel 1980s where the criminal element has such a tight grip on our culture there aren’t even any ducks to feed in the park?

This whacked-out low budget flick with its own made-up language is actually a lot funnier that the one-note gag the trailer suggests. It is playing in select cities this very moment, so if you can catch a midnight show you’ll be one step ahead of everyone else by the time the Blu-ray comes out.

Murder By Death (1976); Robert Moore, director.

Okay, I’m not really sure if this one fits, but dammit I’m including it anyway.

Neil Simon takes all the detective cliches, throws ’em in a pot and sets it to boil. Everyone begins to turn on one another, but there are too many corny jokes for this to turn into Battle Royale. In my memory, this movie is hilarious, but I think I saw it when I was ten.

Someone watch it and tell me if it holds up.

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