Lately, there has been a lot of hate directed towards Paramount’s live-action GI Joe film. As you probably know, a huge batch of unfinished unpolished character photos leaked onto the web last week which were deemed disappointing, especially after the official photo releases of Scarlet and Snake Eyes. So I thought I’d take a look at five cool nanotechnology elements we hear might be in the upcoming movie which are sure to get you a little excited.
Accelerator Suits: The G.I. Joe squad wear suits which enable them to run faster, jump huge distances, smash through walls, and withstand bullets. Rumor has it that the suits were designed by Tony Stark… nah.
A Nano-Bomb: The Cobra Commander has an evil plan to launch a nano-bomb. The scientifically created bomb consists of a swarm of microscopic machines that eat and destroy everything that isn’t organic. Basically, all machinery, weapons, and buildings would be left in the dust. Actually, I’m not even sure there would be dust… But if the Cobra Commander is such an evil super villain, why have the nanites stop at the human level? Why not just have them eat everything? My guess is that if they eat through organic material, the nanites might continue to eat through the earth like termites until it doesn’t exist anymore. The fact that Cobra Commander realized this risk shows that he is probably very intelligent.
Destro’s Mask: A swarm of nano-mites coat McCullen’s disfigured face, giving him the iconic metallic mask, which allows the Cobra Commamder to control his mind. In the original mythology, the Commander, with the help of Cobra scientist Mindbender, used mind control to bend Destro, the Baroness, Zartan and Billy to his will, giving Cobra a new high command.
Neo-Vipers: Destro controls a legion of super-soldiers which have been enhanced by nano-tech to allow them not to feel pain or remorse. How cool is that? Check out a photo of these guys pictured above from the old action figure line. A whole troop of these things could be really really bad ass.
Invisibility: Scarlett supposedly has a gadget which allows her to become invisible for stealth missions. Don’t let the Fantastic Four vibe scare you away, I’m sure this will lead to a kick ass battle sequence. In 2005, Hasbro released a line of GI Joe figures called Sigma 6 which included a Strike Team with Invisible Camo.
Now imagine a war movie like you’ve never seen before. A cross between X-Men, Saving Private Ryan and Robert A. Heinlein’s novel Starship Troopers. This is what GI Joe has the potential to be.
source: CC2K
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:55 pm
“Now imagine a war movie like you’ve never seen before. A cross between a comic book, Saving Private Ryan and Robert A. Heinlein’s Starship Troopers.”
hahaha
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Wow, sounds like an overload. But yeah, I do like the gritty way this movie is going. Not TOO gritty, of course … hang on -
The nanobots sound a lot like Michael Crichton’s Prey!
Still, a very interesting apocalyptic scenario.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:01 pm
4 words:
Stephen Sommers
Marlon Wayans.
you shouldn’t get your hopes up.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:02 pm
“Now imagine a war movie like you’ve never seen before. A cross between a comic book, Saving Private Ryan and Robert A. Heinlein’s Starship Troopers.”
god i hope this is true peter! - if so, i agree that this could kick ass. but is sommers capable of pulling this off? i think the only thing i’m iffy about is the super suits, but i’m probably there regardless.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:05 pm
FARMHOUSE: Stephen Sommer once made an enjoyable popcorn movie, and I’m sure he can make another one, especially if it’s a franchise like this one where he has less control. And Marlon Waynes delivered a great performance in Aronofsky’s Requiem for a Dream. Will GI Joe be the best movie ever? No. Could it actually be cool? Maybe.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Farm beat me to it. But you forgot Arnold Vosloo and Brendan Fraiser.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:57 pm
I’ll put money down on a below 30% average on Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Marlon Fuckin Wayans.
Might as well have hired Cuba Gooding for christ sakes.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:04 pm
So GI Joe is going to be ‘Crysis’ (for PC) on the big screen. Alrighty…
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Enough of this shit, when does the new Dark Knight trailer come out anyways, lol.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:09 pm
EXACTLY. PEOPLE OF EARTH- UNDERSTAND THIS. THE GI JOE EXPERIENCE IS ALL ABOUT COBRA. COBRA COMMANDER- THE GREATEST VILLIAN OF THEM ALL. DESTRO- THE COOLEST MASK, THE DEEPEST VOICE WITH A SCOTTISH TWANG. DREADNOCHS, ZARTAN, THIS IS COBRA. WE HAVE AN ARMY OF VILLAINS, VILLAINS THAT EACH COULD BE IN THEIR OWN FILM AND SATISFY. NO, NO, THEY ARE NOT SINGULAR. THEY ARE A BAND. AND THE BAND IS BACK TOGETHER. TIME TO DO SOME DAMAGE, DAMAGE, YOU WONT WALK AWAY FROM. COBRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:11 pm
i want to see a picture of the Cobra Commander haha yeah i’d tap Scarlet’s ass lmao
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:15 pm
AND BY THE WAY, WAYANS AFTER SNAKE EYES, AND STORM SHADOW, IS THE NEXT ONE THAT LOOKS BELIEVABLE. HE KNOWS THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR HIM.
BACK TO COBRA. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE GREATEST CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION IN THE WORLD. AN ENDLESS ROSTER OF VILLIANS. XAMAT, TOMAX, DR. MINDBENDER, MAJOR BLOOD, MONKEYWRENCH, RIPPER, BUZZSAW, ROAD-DIG. IT IS TIME TO DO SOME DAMAGE. COBRA COMMANDER HAS A HOOD AND CHROME DOME, HE IS NASTY. IT WILL BE PARAMOUNT THAT THE KID PLAYING HIM UNDERSTAND THE VALUE, THE SIGNIFICANT IMPORTANCE OF HIS ROLE. HE MUST NOT JOKE ABOUT THIS. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. COBRA MUST BE AS SERIOUS AS ALL HELL. AS WE WILL RAISE HELL, AND DO SOME DAMAGE THAT NO ONE WILL WALK AWAY FROM. THAT MEANS YOU- FLINT, DUSTY, SHIPWRECK, LOWLIGHT, MUTT, JUNKYARD. IT IS TOO BAD THAT SCRAP-IRON, COBRA COMMANDER’S PET, ISNT IN THIS. COPPERHEAD AS WELL. IT ALL ABOUT THE COBRA ELEMENT. WE OWN THE FILM ALL THEY WAY UNTIL THE GI JOE RALLY AT THE END. IT IS OUR TIME. COBRA!!!!! COBRA!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Wow, that guy’s typing in all caps. He must be saying something important!
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Gajonka,
Cool it with the fucking caps lock button.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Yah, im with madgds….this movie is going to suck so hard. You guys did see VanHelsing right…the Mummy Returns…anybody…(GOB Bluth style) COME ON!!!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Some of that does sound a mite bit cool. I think if they play up the comic book action while downplaying the tone it could work. I like the idea of accelerator suits.
Rubber lips are still stupid.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Yeah I doubt that’ll happen.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:01 pm
All I have to say is I can’t wait to see X-Men…..I mean GI Joe!
WHAT! I just want it to be like normal not all fucked up. I think the suits look like a S.W.A.T. team, they have no personality. Kinda disapointing. No red white or blue decals or stars? just black?
Ripcord looks awful. I don’t think GI JOE at all. Looks like models in bad ruber.
Please don’t mess up Destro and CC.
Other than that…..can’t wait to see this awful mess! Streetfighter!
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:05 pm
i’ll take 1, 2 and 5
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:10 pm
I WOULD KILL MY FAMILY TO SEE THIS MOVIE RIGHT NOW
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:10 pm
People need to also remember that the source material for this is really weak. G.I. Joe was a terrible, terrible, terrible cartoon. Maybe that’s because I’m a child of the nineties who was brought up on QUALITY animation like Batman The Animated Series not the eighties half hour long Mattell commercials.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:12 pm
“rubber lips”
The End.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:31 pm
So they have super suits?
WHERE IS MY SUUUUUPER SUIT!!?
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:30 am
HAHAHAHA
Now it sounds worst than before.
the whole thing sounds very cool…
…if you are 8.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:45 am
As soon as you said the Accelerated suits or whatever, the first thing that came to mind was Gantz. How cool would that be as a movie?!
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:01 am
I’m not sure why this is stuff that could make it cool.
Suits that give the Joes superpowers? Nanomachines?
What the fuck is wrong with lasers?
That might be stuff that could be cool in another movie, but if you’re gonna change the feel of the source material so much, why bother?
The kind of forced-cool they’re putting into this movie reminds me of the same hackneyed approach that’s being taken with Wanted.
April 23rd, 2008 at 4:24 am
Gah: you are actually saying cartoons in the late 90s are better than 80s. I had younger siblings who watched those shit shows in the 90s, they were pathetic. He-Man, GI Joe, TMNT, and Transformers are awesome, they are from a time when people weren’t ultra PC, and you could have guns and fights and stuff. no crap like pokemon and i cant even think of the other crappy cartoons because i blocked them out
April 23rd, 2008 at 5:38 am
Rachel Nichols is beyond beauty…
April 23rd, 2008 at 5:51 am
This movie is going to be awful. I saw the pre-vis footage of the suits at Toy Fair. It looks dumb.
April 23rd, 2008 at 6:16 am
So did Paramount pay you to write this?
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:48 am
The comic series was before the cartoon, if I remember correctly, and it was much better. It was more serious and people actually died. I’m kinda psyched on this for nostalgia reasons, but I don’t really hold any hopes that it will actually be good. There are interesting storylines from the comics though, like the backstory of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow and their ninja clan, and the romance between Destro and Baroness where they decide to assassinate Cobra Commander and take over.
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:57 am
90s cartoons better than 80s? Laughable. Today’s cartoons? Embarrassing. Look at me, I’m bad anime calling up my card of super turtle to destroy your level 8 dragon-mite? WTF is that crap?
Did any cartoons in the 90s have an episode that featured a kidnapped protagonist that is forced to watch his family melt in front of his eyes? Hello GI Joe! Shipwreck and most childhoods won’t be the same. God Bless America (pre PC BS).
Joe has a ton of source material, anyone who’s ever read the comics knows this. However, don’t hold your breath. Spare me the nano crap and the super friends suits - give me a Black Hawk Down GI Joe instead. I want my Real American Hero to look like a soldier.
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Those are interesting developments, but I remain skeptical.
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Am I the only one to think that Scarlett is looking HOT!!
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Man, I love G.I. Joe. But I love the possibilities of G.I. Joe more than the actual show or comics. That’s just two ways of looking at it. This movie will be another take.
G.I. Joe as a concept is cool as hell–and that is: assemble some of the best of the best from the U.S. Military and pit them against whacked-out terrorist villians with a flair for the dramatic. Explosions ensue.
And, once again, this is primarily a kid’s franchise. So don’t go expecting gunplay and political machinations and sex and ultra-violence. If you want to take the same concept as above and infuse it with more adult themes, go right ahead. But you can’t call it G.I. Joe. It’s a TOY LINE.
As such, I think the best we can hope for is a fun over-the-top action movie. Throw in some real danger and suspense and cool kung-fu fighting and whatnot, and we’ll be satisifed, as long as we haven’t seen it before, it makes sense within the confines of the movie’s internal logic, and it doesn’t skimp on the ‘cool’ factor. They SHOULD amp it up to a level that ‘normal’ people wouldn’t be capable of, and if the ‘accelerator suits’ help do that, then fine.
Otherwise you have a bunch of people running around not being able to shoot each other. I want something ridiculous and fun–like the last car chase scene in T2: the helicopter shooting at the police van, then it RAMS INTO the police van, then they both have to commandeer other vehicles, then the Terminator has to eventually CLIMB OVER the still-driving trucks and SHOOT THE HOLY HELL out of the T-1000 in the driver’s seat. Realistic? No. But because they’re robots (i.e. have special abilities), we accept it. Awesome? Hell yes. Or the whole car chase in The Matrix Reloaded–again, not in any way realistic, but it still made sense according to the movie, and it was still jaw-droppingly awesome. And not THAT violent. Yes, there was a lot of shooting, but no-one visibly dies (from what I remember), so the same sort of guidlines should be adhered to for G.I. Joe.
As long as they do something like that, I think we’re in for a decent experience.
If they decide to not have the main characters do anything except for three things like some other recent franchise movie (*coughtransformerscough*), it will suck even worse than the photos would have us believe.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Cobra Commander controlling Destro’s mind through his mask? Accelerator suits? Scarlett using a cloaking device? I wonder if Mr. Sciretta has actually read a Joe comic from the 80s; the letter column sometimes included comments from U.S. Armed Forces personnel who praised Larry Hama’s attention to detail, and I’m sure many of them wouldn’t care for these supposedly cool twists. I hope it’s all just rumour but I have a funny feeling it isn’t.
April 24th, 2008 at 3:29 am
That all sounded like the worst movie ever. Thanks for that.
April 24th, 2008 at 7:15 am
Stop raping my childhood memories!
It’s bad enough Star Wars and Transformers were ruined for me, now I have Indiana Jones and GI Joe to do more damage!
Find something original to direct!!!
April 24th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
all yall need some poonanny, well most of ya complaining ass fags probably don’t even like women…dah well if ya dont the movies shut the fuck up and dont watch stay home and play halo. weak ass geeks make me sick.
April 24th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
clarification: IF YA DON’T LIKE THE MOVIE STAY AT HOME AND PLAY HALO FOR THE 5TH HUNDRED TIME…DAMN GEEKS
April 24th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Hey Saint James, have you ever felt a *ahem* “poonanny” almost halve your schlong because the girl was so turned on? I hope you get to one day, it’s quite an experience.