Fifty Shades of Grey

At about the half-hour mark in Fifty Shades of Grey, I came to a sobering realization: Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) could get away with murder. This dude basically exhibits straight-up stalker behavior, and yet the object of his affection, Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson, in a nuanced and impressive performance), not only doesn’t mind — she occasionally seems into it. And that’s before the BDSM even begins!

Of course, a lot of that is probably due to Grey’s stunning good looks, his immense wealth, his confident personality, his incredibly well-built torso, his eyes that are so deep in color that you could lose yourself in them for days…

I’m sorry, where was I? Oh right. Hit the jump to see 10 things that Christian Grey does in Fifty Shades of Grey that would be creepy if I did them. This is not an exhaustive list.

Surprising the girl he just met at her place of work.


Asking her to help him buy bondage gear at said workplace.


Attacking any dudes that get near her.


Accosting her while she’s drunk and bringing her to an unfamiliar location.


Badgering her to sign a contract detailing his sexual requirements.


Badgering her to eat muffins.


Using this as a pick-up line.


Telling her this.


Or this.


Staring blankly into the middle distance 99% of the time.


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