Fifty Shades of Grey

At about the half-hour mark in Fifty Shades of Grey, I came to a sobering realization: Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) could get away with murder. This dude basically exhibits straight-up stalker behavior, and yet the object of his affection, Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson, in a nuanced and impressive performance), not only doesn’t mind — she occasionally seems into it. And that’s before the BDSM even begins!

Of course, a lot of that is probably due to Grey’s stunning good looks, his immense wealth, his confident personality, his incredibly well-built torso, his eyes that are so deep in color that you could lose yourself in them for days…

I’m sorry, where was I? Oh right. Hit the jump to see 10 things that Christian Grey does in Fifty Shades of Grey that would be creepy if I did them. This is not an exhaustive list.

Surprising the girl he just met at her place of work.

Surprise

Asking her to help him buy bondage gear at said workplace.

rope

Attacking any dudes that get near her.

kiss

Accosting her while she’s drunk and bringing her to an unfamiliar location.

whyhere

Badgering her to sign a contract detailing his sexual requirements.

contract

Badgering her to eat muffins.

Eat

Using this as a pick-up line.

internship

Telling her this.

Singular

Or this.

leave

Staring blankly into the middle distance 99% of the time.

stare

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