WEEDS (season 5)

How long has it been since the last Weeds Session? Six months? Full Disclosure: We’ve been hesitant to turn on our television for fear of the sixth season of Entourage; seriously, that is the most dreadful show of the year. Doug Ellin might as well DM Tommy Wiseau to write and direct the next planned 10 seasons. Back to Weeds, a far better series that remains impossible to peg like a bi-polar, medium infatuation. Over the last three eps (and yes: half a year later) Nancy Botwin, her ever-independent sons (Silas and Yung Perv Eyes), and the slimy Esteban have struggled with myriad crises. This season’s earlier, recurring and grisly theme that life-is-cheap below the border has been replaced by the soap-operatic lightness displayed in the first seasons.

#SpoilerAlert: The stakes in Nancy’s life, though still perma-dire, seem to have cooled. New additions tend to do that. And sure, the current tone is unrealistic, given that she’s in-and-out of bed and hot water with a politician aka a corrupt jackass and control-freak. But Single Mom and Slacker-in-Law vs. Mexico? Fuck it. It’s summer and we’re digging it. You? And Andy. Andy! The guy who inexplicably transformed for two eps into the would-be hirsute Billy Mitchell of Cali; at one point we anticipated him parading around and waking-and-baking in Daisy Dukes. But wait. Is that all $100K buys in this shite economy? Really? It doesn’t even buy a Comic-Con hotel cosplay orgy? (Nevertheless, nice shout out and timing, Stephen Falk and Co.)

After the jump, the latest developments from the preceding eps and last Monday’s “A Distinctive Horn.” Be sure to ready your angriest, limpest /TV comments trolls, so the /Interns can zap ‘em and stay busy!

WEEDS (Season 5)

Nancy: The Blood-Spattered Non-Bride

When Esteban was first introduced, we couldn’t help but slither into our couch at his very name. That’s not racist. That’s a side effect to being obsessed with Michael Parks’s Esteban Vihaio in Kill Bill V.2. And as season six progresses, we can’t help but picture Nancy as The Blood-Spattered Non-Bride. The appearance two eps back of “The Rosemary’s Baby room” spiked it home: Esteban, and his shady puta boss (pictured above), wanted her out of the picture, thus keeping the demon spawn, Esteban’s heir, to themselves. Just like Bill without the closet fetish.

And while some critics, like Vulture‘s Emma Pearse, contend that Esteban is the character that is now “out of the picture” after Nancy pummeled his chest, we have reason to doubt it. Moreover, I’m not sure I follow Nancy’s ballsy plan to dismiss him point-blank from the baby’s life. Actually, I’m categorically sure I don’t follow. Not that Nancy ever plans accordingly, but surrounding Esteban’s son with a Jewish welcome, a painful snip, and plenty of snark is not a worthy deterrent for a black-market kingpin. We totally anticipate a kidnapping or a set-up. Re: On either end.

Which begs the question: why doesn’t Nancy–a drug game vet herself—own a slew of firearms and/or samurai swords by now? The gun range calls. But will Conrad? Finally? Ever? One thing is certain: fans are increasingly vocal for his return and the show-makers can’t dismiss this. But for now, Nancy’s gotta protect her cub on the lonesome. Andy’s days as a Dennis Hopper-looking bear ended Monday night. Upside: His Pussy Wagon aka The General Lee is apparently sticking around.

WEEDS (season 5)

Celia Makes-Up and Closes In

Celia always lands on her feet. And sometimes she has Shane massage them. Unbearable imagery. We’ve witnessed creator Jenji Kohan drag Elizabeth Perkins‘s character to hell in every ep this season. But somewhere in Celia’s weary, tapped-out, post-cougar eyes, we sense she’s plotting a power move. It’s still a ways off but it’s there. Returning to Rock Bottom: First she was commuting to a Foot Locker knockoff in heels and now he’s part of a cosmetics cult. Given, selling make-up a la a Tupperware Party was a big deal in the ’80s. My mom used to make me arrange color tests and shit. Secretly? It was fun. But in the Oughts? Ghetto. Celia comes to this realization a little late: the dismal consequences in obeying the fine print and ignoring it weigh about the same. So she seeks out estranged hubby Dean. (Where has Andy Milder been this season? Dude’s funny. Get him off the bench.) Their reunion feels inevitable here. The lives of Celia and Dean are so downtrodden that they form a heart-shaped crop circle.

Celia sticks Dean in the jaw. She’s a fucking closer. Celia tells Dean to tell Silas and Doug (Kevin Nealon, untanned) that their weed got jacked. Dean goes along for the payoff. He is a lawyer after all. The end of the ep shows the two making-up and slipping weed into packages of make-up. Marriage personified. However, we hope this coup doesn’t ruin Dean’s chances of partnering in the bickering clients’ med-pot shop.

WEEDS (season 5)

Andy: 40 going on 30

Did he really say, “I play doctor,” to a doctor? Fail. Alanis Morissette doesn’t give up her pink taco for a free taco night, and for once, Andy’s game is both weak and totes shut the fuck down. It’s such a shock to his system—like a cup of ice to a yogi—that he decides to become a mayor’s-son’s-father. Or at least he agrees to be. The paperwork is done, the ink is dry, but the blood? It’s a problem. Will it spill? We predict a cleaner resolution, but we hope for a carnage bath. Nor did we find it reassuring that Andy let Nancy deal with Esteban instead of personally standing up to him and protecting his (whose?) son. It was a very different M.O. from when he defended Nancy during her check-up four eps ago. Then again, Andy’s already earned his enthusiastic handjob from his non-tubby sister-in-law. That has to occupy the brain like it does ours. Can you blame him?

End note: Seriously, every Botwin character sans the baby (he’s fucking toast anyhow) needs to be heavily armed. And we agree with the stoners: much higher on the reg.

Weeds airs Mondays at 10 p.m. ET/PT on Showtime. For /Film’s previous articles on the fifth season click here.

Hunter Stephenson can be reached at h.attila[@]gmail.com and on Twitter.

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