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Liberty City’s Vlad and Niko are (predictably) not siked right now. That’s right, Slashfilm’s original, indefatigable voodoo child, Uwe Boll, recently confessed to Vulture that he’s the perfect manimal to helm Grand Theft Auto: The Movie. Moreover, Boll said he would choose to direct a “very brutal” $30 million adaptation that would absolutely destroy Michael Bay’s $150 million PG-13 version that exists, yep, only in Boll’s well-protected brain! As of 6 p.m. EST, Rockstar Games had suspiciously chosen not to comment on this non-rumor. Here’s Boll…

“Grand Theft Auto would be super interesting for me, and I think I would actually be the right guy to do it, because my movies are all bloody and violent and I don’t have a problem with action scenes. But look, they will go, in the end, with a Michael Bay or a Brett Ratner, and it will be a PG-13 movie made for $150 million. I think it would be better to make a $30 million, very hard, brutal movie without compromising, but I’m not optimistic.”

Well, I’m sure GTA x Boll becoming a reality will come down to the performance of Postal, Boll’s latest video game adaptation finally opening in the U.S. on May 23rd. Peter says it’s his “best” movie thus far, but not his, you know, Bolliest. However, in the film’s defense, Boll did admit to forcing tiny Postal co-star Verne Troyer into a suitcase….and then he closed it! WTFBoll!

“[Verne] said, “Don’t close the suitcase completely, please.” And we said, “Look, it will be quick,” and then we promised him we wouldn’t but then we closed it anyway. But we opened it right away.

And was he upset?

A little, but then he was okay.

As with all things Boll, it gets better. Save your talk about alternative fuels, world, because Boll wants to convert ubiquitous Internet fanboy hatred into terrible Boll cinema. What a concept! Specifically, Boll wants to turn you and me into bloodsucking zombie extras in his upcoming Wii-adaptation Zombie Massacre.

“I have the rights to [Wii game] Zombie Massacre, and maybe we should do that movie with all the gamers and Boll haters, and people who signed that petition anti-Boll, or pro-Boll, we all meet in a big, small city – somewhere in the Midwest. And we all shoot Zombie Massacre together; they all play zombies, and they’re there and can give me advice if they think they can do it better than me. …I could have the biggest movie ever, basically for free! Because they would definitely all be there.”

Ladies and gents, the Internet is Boll’s sandbox, littered with sharp obscenities, petitions, and gum. The only question that remains is…

Discuss: If Boll makes Zombie Massacre will you cuome? Oh, and well, should Rockstar Games allow Uwe Boll to make a GTA short film, advertisement or just turn him into a death-attracting avatar?

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