Hope everyone is having a pleasant Saturday afternoon. Writing this latest Uwe Boll item poolside recalls the floater scene in Caddyshack, so let’s make it short and easy. Next weekend, Boll’s Postal, based on the “shocking” videogame, was set to open against Spielberg’s Indiana Jones, but its domestic theatrical roll-out has been greatly reduced from 1,500 screens to five (or less, depending on where you look). Slashfilm received a press release (is that Boll’s personal email? LOL.) in which Boll cites a conspiracy launched by exhibitors (the government?) to counter his film’s “infuriating” imagery, like that above. Keep in mind that a Dubbya doppleganger was just seen lacing joints with coke in Harold and Kumar 2, so Boll’s conspiracy claims are typically unfounded and shitrageous…
“Theatrical distributors are boycotting Postal because of its political content,” says Boll. “We were prepared to open on 1500 screens all across America on May 23rd. Any multiplex in the U.S. should have space for us, but they’re afraid. We have even tried to buy a few screens in New York and Los Angeles, and they won’t let us even rent the theaters! I urge independent exhibitors to contact us and book Postal! Audiences have been expecting the film and I don’t think exhibitors should censor what gets played in U.S. theaters.”
Postal boasts a few respectable names like Jason Reitman’s go-to man, J.K. Simmons, TKITH‘s Dave Foley and far less respectable names like Verne Troyer and Uwe Boll. Peter saw the flick a while ago and said it wasn’t Boll’s worst offender, which is sort of like saying, “Grandma had a good day today.” It’s pretty bad when Boll’s films don’t even flop anymore, they just crawl onto Slashfilm pre-release and cease. So, pay your quick condolences and then continue exploring Liberty City.
Discuss: RIP Postal. The Boll petition has over 250,000 signatures.
Here is a round up of stories that just didn’t make the /Film front page, or what we like to call…. Page 2!
Cinematical has a photo of the I Love You Philip Morris billboard at Cannes.
Adam Brody talks to IGN about his preparation for the now defunct Justice League movie.
National Lampoon’s Homo Erectus looks horrible. Check out the red band movie trailer on Trailer Addict, if you dare!
IconFactory has released their Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom Icon Set.
Uwe Boll told RT what his five favorite films are â€“ and, considering he’s the man who cast Tara Reid as a brilliant archaeologist and made such clunkers as BloodRayne and Dungeon Siege, his picks are kind of surprising. (Apocalypse Now, Dances With Wolves, Clockwork Orange, Citizen Kane, and The Searchers.)
io9 has a first look at Killdroid: A Mechanical Love Affair.
Defamer counts down the Top Five Most Cringeworthy Facial Hair Moments in Cinematic History.
AICN has the first test screening review of Kevin Smith’s Zack and Miri Make a Porno. The reviewer says “it’s similar to “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” – it’s a raunchy sex comedy that also wants to have a sweet romance at its center” and claims the hillarious dialogue is “some of the strongest stuff I’ve heard from Smith in years”, but says “the heart of the movie doesn’t really fly”. Sounds to me like something that might be fixed in editing. It’s also revealed that Justin Long makes a cameo.
Lucasfilm has announced that “Star Wars Weekends” at Disney’s Hollywood Studios will give a sneak peek at Star Wars: The Clone Wars , coming to theaters on August 15th. [ComingSoon]
FirstShowing takes a look at the 10 Best and Worst Rappers Turned Movie Actors.
Before you watch the documentary on the new special edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark, beware that a certain character’s identity, which may or may not be a spoiler from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, is revealed on screen. [filmchat]
ABC News lists Five Science Fiction Movies That Get the Science Right.
Diablo Cody will be the next guest programer at Hollywood’s New Beverly Cinema: “To me, the movie night I keep hyping, because I’m so excited about it, is Little Shop of Horrors, the ’86 version, and Labyrinth. And I’m going to do Nightmare on Elm Street 3 with Fright Night. Midnight Madness with Wet Hot American Summer. I’m gonna try and get both Reitman’s in and do an Ivan and Jason double-bill.” [shock]
Zap2It has script reivews of Fox’s two new shows – JJ Abrams’ Fringe and Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse.
Rejects has this fan art showing what the movie version of War Machine might look like in the Iron Man sequel.
Arcade Fire will be scoring Richard Kelly’s The Box. [playlist]
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa will be released into IMAXÂ® theatres worldwide on November 7, 2008. [CS]
Audrina Patridge, one of the stars of MTV’s The Hills, will make her feature debut opposite Chris Carmack and Laura Vandervoort in the Charles Winkler-directed Into the Blue 2. [THR]
Jessica Alba does her best impersonation of the iconic Charlie Chaplin in the June 2008 issue of Allure. [justjared]
The CW has given a 13-episode midseason renewal to Reaper. [variety]
Andras Hamori’s H20 Motion Pictures has greenlit The Gate — 20 Years Later, a sequel to the 1987 horror film that terrified me as a child. [bloody-disgusting]
Liberty City’s Vlad and Niko are (predictably) not siked right now. That’s right, Slashfilm’s original, indefatigable voodoo child, Uwe Boll, recently confessed to Vulture that he’s the perfect manimal to helm Grand Theft Auto: The Movie. Moreover, Boll said he would choose to direct a “very brutal” $30 million adaptation that would absolutely destroy Michael Bay’s $150 million PG-13 version that exists, yep, only in Boll’s well-protected brain! As of 6 p.m. EST, Rockstar Games had suspiciously chosen not to comment on this non-rumor. Here’s Boll…
“Grand Theft Auto would be super interesting for me, and I think I would actually be the right guy to do it, because my movies are all bloody and violent and I don’t have a problem with action scenes. But look, they will go, in the end, with a Michael Bay or a Brett Ratner, and it will be a PG-13 movie made for $150 million. I think it would be better to make a $30 million, very hard, brutal movie without compromising, but I’m not optimistic.”
Well, I’m sure GTA x Boll becoming a reality will come down to the performance of Postal, Boll’s latest video game adaptation finally opening in the U.S. on May 23rd. Peter says it’s his “best” movie thus far, but not his, you know, Bolliest. However, in the film’s defense, Boll did admit to forcing tiny Postal co-star Verne Troyer into a suitcase….and then he closed it! WTFBoll!
“[Verne] said, “Don’t close the suitcase completely, please.” And we said, “Look, it will be quick,” and then we promised him we wouldn’t but then we closed it anyway. But we opened it right away.
And was he upset?
A little, but then he was okay.
As with all things Boll, it gets better. Save your talk about alternative fuels, world, because Boll wants to convert ubiquitous Internet fanboy hatred into terrible Boll cinema. What a concept! Specifically, Boll wants to turn you and me into bloodsucking zombie extras in his upcoming Wii-adaptation Zombie Massacre.
“I have the rights to [Wii game] Zombie Massacre, and maybe we should do that movie with all the gamers and Boll haters, and people who signed that petition anti-Boll, or pro-Boll, we all meet in a big, small city – somewhere in the Midwest. And we all shoot Zombie Massacre together; they all play zombies, and they’re there and can give me advice if they think they can do it better than me. …I could have the biggest movie ever, basically for free! Because they would definitely all be there.”
Ladies and gents, the Internet is Boll’s sandbox, littered with sharp obscenities, petitions, and gum. The only question that remains is…
Discuss: If Boll makes Zombie Massacre will you cuome? Oh, and well, should Rockstar Games allow Uwe Boll to make a GTA short film, advertisement or just turn him into a death-attracting avatar?
Actually, I exaggerated a bit. Today, Stride Gum announced that it will give out one million packs of free gum if the world renown petition to deaden director Uwe Boll‘s career as the self proclaimed “only genius in the whole f’n business” reaches one million signatures. Boll has repeatedly said that he’ll quit “his profession” if that number is met. Currently, the tally is nearing an underwhelming 260,000. Go to StopUweBoll.com to sign the petition. Free gum is great and all, but we only get it if it hits one million by May 14th.
Slashfilm would like to quicken the process, so if you work in the marketing department for Charmin (sweet gig) or another reputable toilet paper company, jump aboard this bandwagon of hate for the smilin’ pugilist who brought us BloodRayne and will soon bring us BloodRayne 3. And how about free beer to go with that gum?
Discuss: What should companies give out to make this a sealed deal? At this point, does your mom know who Uwe Boll is? Â
Hack video game movie director Uwe Boll has had enough of AWESOME Hollywood action director Michael Bay‘s disrespect, and has challenged to the Transformers director to a 12-round boxing match to settle it all.
“Michael Bay responded to my note about him in a very insulting way for me. He said that he doesn’t care about me and this was very insulting because I care about him and I think that with the money he has for his movies, he sucks big time. I think it’s time to meet in the ring actually.
So it’s my message to Michael Bay, Michael, in between your pool parties in LA or your casting sessions with the strippers you should start training now. And I’m sure you look good, you look thin. I saw you at the Hollywood Film Festival, I think you’re a fit guy and you do like private karate bullshitAsia bullshit crap fighting stuff in LA where you think you’re super cool that you do that with your 500 bucks trainer everyday.
So let’s meet in the ring in September or October. Pay-per-view. Mandalay Bay. Las Vegas. Twelve rounds of boxing. Boll against Bay. And it’s also independent against the studio system and I think that this day in Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas we will clear it up who is not only the better director who is also able to fight more for that what he wants.”
Discuss: Who would/should win in a fight between Boll and Bay?
As you guys know, /Film has been on the Uwe Boll story since day one. Quasi-mainstream media have begun to pick up on the hilarious situation. G4TV featured a bunch of our coverage during their interview with Uwe Boll earlier today on Attack of the Show. Very cool, check out the clip below.
Boll claims that the petition, which has garnered over 172,000 signatures, is actually just a few people putting their name on the website 10 or 20 times each. While a few people might have done that, I’m sure the majority of people on the signature list are legitimate. I’m also sure that PetetionOnline captures the IP addresses of those who sign the petition, and it would be easy to find out exactly how many people have submitted their names. Basically it sounds like the beginning rumblings of a man who is going against his word. I don’t think that Boll expected the petition to collect over 172,000 signatures in just four days.
Boll also complimented Eli Roth for having a good sense of humor in his response, and again slammed Michael Bay “for having no humor”, but was willing to admit that he liked Bad Boys but hating Pearl Harbor.