Politically Incorrect: Top 10 Movie Retards

The following editorial is written by Zack Lawrence.

RainmanHere’s a touchy one. I’ve wanted to do this article for a long time, just for entertainment purposes and all in jest; I don’t want a bombardment of hate mail. I have mental retardation and autism in my family so I have common ground and hell; I have experience to fall back on. So here we go with the list, don’t hate me because I’m insensitive, it’s not insensitivity it’s entertainment, and by god, I’m here to entertain. Plus, I’m just writing about it, these people actually acted like retarded people.
10. Rain Man – An Oscar winner I do believe? I know he’s one of the best, but I have an autistic family member who I brought to Foxwoods and all he did was cover his ears and rock at the sounds of the bells and whistles. I was fucked at the card counting!! That’s why he’s number ten, it’s his fault.

9. The Village – Adrian Brody clapping and being a downright damn fine 17th century retard. Also major kudos for the knifing of Joaquin Phoenix over a chick, and then the politically incorrect locking of him in a shack, hardcore. 
8. The Princess Bride – Andre the Giant. Was he actually retarded? Slow yes, but retarded? Hard to say. I’ll just go with it based on what Vizzini stated, “Friendless! Brainless! Helpless! Hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were?! Unemployed, in Greenland!?”

7. I Am Sam – Sean Penn was panned for this flick for not playing a mentally challenged person but for playing the character as a stereotypical “Retard”. I would say more, but I don’t need him showing up at my house with a boat full of guns, like New Orleans.

6. Forrest Gump – Aha, yet another Oscar winner. It was a sweet performance and I dug it big time. Some great one liners and quotable mementos such as, “That’s my boat.” Or his sweet and sentimental story beginning with, “Its funny what a young man recollects, cuz I don’t remember being born…” While Mr. Hanks is the master, the snub I will mention later as all time great comes down the line.

5. Of Mice and Men – John Malkovich as Lenny, this is one of the most classic retards of all time. The bunny rabbits and the sweet innocents of a jacked up man child who almost kills everything he touches. And the tender yet apprehensive execution at the end by Gary Sinise makes you wonder why people don’t kill retards more often…I’m totally joking. I will quote Matt Dillion, “Those goofy bastards are all I got!”

4. 12 Monkeys – Brad Pitt as Jeffrey Goines. Retarded? No. But crazier than a shit house rat and superbly acted. The scene in the nut house trying to get everybody out of his chair is classic and the constant conversations while flipping people off is comic gold. But I think Bruce Willis is the retarded one for eating a live spider dipped in honey. For realsies!
3. Something about Mary – Warren. Oh my god need I say more? “Have you seen my baseball?” or punching Ben Stiller in the throat for touching his ear phones? “He was masturbating!!” He yells behind the paramedics. “Franks and beans! Frank and bean!” Or Matt Dillion ripping him off in checkers, “Where’s the rest of it Warren?”

2. Drop Dead Gorgeous – Will Sasso as Hank. Slapping his father in the back of the head on camera and laughing mentally, very realistic. “I want to get the big bag of little doughnuts.” Or crying on the ground, “Why didn’t you leave him with the babysitter?”… “Oh, that’s good Matt. You know the babysitters dead!” And the icing on the retarded cake, having the strap of his overalls getting caught in the car door and being stuck for the duration of an afternoon. Will Sasso was totally overlooked in this killer performance.

1. Gilbert Grape: Leo D! Snubbed for his Oscar Nom by Tommy Lee Jones from the Fugitive? In my professional opinion, seriously for a moment, How? I watch that movie consistently and get so absorbed in his performance, it is so believable. It’s the speech, the motor skills, the screeching laugh, even the vacancy behind the eyes. It’s as fucked as the Bush election. “It’s not goodbye, its goodnight. Good night to you but not to me!” Even the dirty, gritty complexion he always seems to have. I’m not even jesting here, this is one of the greatest performances of all time, and in my opinion, the only real good retard to date.

Hidden Track – 0 – Chris Burke, Corky. 50cent style street cred for having downs syndrome and being able to act so well. No joke here, just a good actor, didn’t even let the retardation get in the way, S’what that is.
Honorable Mention
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back- Jay- “God, he’s retarded to boot.” Says Ali Larter. “Dude, she called you retarded!” Jay whispers to Silent Bob. I don’t think Jay took any aptitude tests so he can’t count how many days it’ll take to shut down his movie “By his count, 8 days!” Until the infallible Affleck corrects his dim math. Either the Dooby Snacks was hitting him hard, or hell, he was retarded to boot!

Garden State – Zach Braff as the retarded quarter back. We don’t get to see the performance, but Natalie Portman was amazed that he wasn’t really retarded, and I quote “Ooh, great job man! I really thought you were retarded. I mean, you’re better than that Corky kid and he’s actually retarded. If there was a retarded Oscar you would win, hands down, kick his ass!” Just to cut him off later in the midst of his conversation to state once again, with her hand across her forehead in disbelief, “Wow! I cannot believe you’re not retarded!” And his friends even later ending the scene with, “I can’t believe the retarded quarterback is a pill popper!” It must have been a dynamo performance. Too bad it was just spoken of and not shown….

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