Posted on Friday, January 11th, 2008 by Hunter Stephenson
Breaking News: On January 17, 2003 a devastating earthquake hit Japan. This event was caught on tape by two American filmmakers. But it wasn’t an earthquake. And it wasn’t Cloverfield. It happened five years before. Like, duh. No, it wasâ€¦MONSTER. And, oh yeah, it hits stores on 01-15-08.
The source of everyone’s favorite video store spam, the Asylum, has “found” a trailer for its latest, uber-timely magnum o(cto)pus, MONSTER. Hollywood’s new ruler in the shower is having your film turned into an Asylum mockbuster, so congrats in advance to Cloverfield‘s J.J. Abrams and Matt Reeves. Don’t drown in the bubbly. With its lack of marquee names, faux-handheld camera work, and a mashed down panic button plot, MONSTER looks to faithfully cash-in where its sly cousins, I Am Omega, Transmorphers and, our favorite, The Da Vinci Treasure, merely faltered into profitability. Here’s an early review from IMDBâ€¦
So we got this movie in at the Blockbuster I work at, it comes out on Tuesday January 15th. I rented it already (because we get to rent movies early to let customers know if they are good or not) and have to say it is quite possibly the worst move I have seen… and I have seen the mess known as Gigli. Not only is it incredibly boring with the picture cutting in and out all the time, but the characters constantly bring up You Tube. Since this movie takes place in January of 03 they couldn’t possibly have known about You Tube since it was not launched until DECEMBER 05!!!
So yeah, if you waste your time on this movie and do not heed my warning to stay away from it, you deserve the lost hour and a half of your life.
The guy who conveniently found this cephalopod-attack footage is director Eric Forsberg. Ring a thimble-sized bell? Yep, he directed 2006′s Snakes on a Train and Night of the Dead: Leben Tod. According to his mini-biog, he directed his first super 8mm film at age 9 and Bill Murray painted his family’s kitchen. Alright, enough, everyone get in the poolâ€¦
MONSTER versus Cloverfield, who wins?
MONSTER tricks plebeians and empty nest parents in video stores nationwide on, say it with me, “01-15-08.”
[flv:http://media2.slashfilm.com/slashfilm/trailers/monster.flv 470 316]