Star Wars: The Last Jedi

I guess we now know the actual identity of “the last Jedi” mentioned in the title Star Wars: The Last Jedi – it’s the ultimate Jedi who wastes all the other Jedi and eats their bones. At least, that’s the subject of a new song composed by John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats, a song that The Last Jedi writer/director Rian Johnson has given his seal of approval. You can listen to the song, appropriately titled “The Ultimate Jedi Who Wastes All the Other Jedi and Eats Their Bones,” below.

In the song, Darnielle sings of how every Jedi should follow a path of peace and harmony (“Do your best in city or in swampland, peace over anger, honor over hate”) but that they should be prepared. Eventually, all Jedi encounter “the ultimate Jedi,” a mysterious fellow who kills and eats all other Jedi because he values the calcium in his bones: “At the end of all your days, one Jedi waits for you, with the dust of Jedi bones piled high like parsnips on his plate.”

Preposterous. Sure. Silly. Yeah. But Rian Johnson has declared that it is now canon and if anyone can declare that goofy songs about murderous, cannibalistic Jedi are canon, it is the director of the next Star Wars movie!

In all seriousness, it tickles me to imagine Darnielle and Johnson hanging out and goofing off and coming up with the skeleton of this song, only for the trained musician with 15 (generally excellent!) albums under his belt to actually go out and transform their gag into a catchy tune. It helps that Darnielle performs “The Ultimate Jedi Who Wastes All the Other Jedi and Eats Their Bones” with the same raw passion and commitment he reserves for “real” Mountain Goats tracks, which only helps the absurdity of the whole thing land harder.

So if Luke Skywalker kills Rey in Star Wars: The Last Jedi and devours her delicious, nutritious bones, we now know why.

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