Don’t have the time or effort to to spend two hours with screaming teens to watch The Twilight Saga: New Moon at your local multiplex? Jack Douglas has seen the film, and has created an abbreviated version (just over one minute to be exact) so that you don’t have to suffer and endure a film in which, according to Jack, literally nothing happens. Jack writes:
Now the movie itself is very pretty, the acting’s fine, the soundtrack didn’t piss me off, and the special effects are convincing. However, they don’t distract me from the fact that the plot doesn’t exist.
Watch the one minute version of New Moon after the jump, followed by Jack’s recap of the non existant plot of the film.
Here is Jack’s recap of the plot points for Twilight: New Moon:
- Edward leaves Bella after NOTHING HAPPENS at a party.
- Bella spends a good third of the film wallowing in her misery instead of getting the hell over it.
- Bella helps Jacob rebuild old motorcycles while NOTHING HAPPENS.
- Bella leads Jacob on but NOTHING HAPPENS.
- Edward almost kills himself BUT THEN DOESN’T.
- Edward gets in a fight with the Volturi but IS THEN FORGIVEN.
- Edward and Jacob make some kind of pact, THEN JACOB LEAVES.
- Edward asks for Bella’s hand in marriage, THEN THE CREDITS ROLL.