Posted on Tuesday, July 28th, 2009 by Hunter Stephenson
Some free stuff showed up in the mail and we decided to review it. Well, in one case, we let some guy down the street review the stuff, but we still kept the stuff. – Regards, the /Film Cool Stuff Dept.
[adult swim] sent me these $75 pants from their new “Finer Things” line. Wait, I’m not bragging. I’m not even sure what I’m typing because I’ve never reviewed pants. Thinking back, the closest pants-related thing I have ever reviewed (until these $75 pants) was Cabin Boy, which famously co-starred David Letterman, who owns Worldwide Pants, which is worth about 7.5-$75 million without fact-checking. Yeah, these pants, they arrived at my door, and they are navy, with bright pink, intricately stitched (by Williams Street interns?) Mooninites all over them. It’s really something; almost like a low-bit invasion on cotton or a cotton-candy-colored bout of formication. Per the pants’ Mooninite pattern, it stars the alien-slash-mistaken-terrorism mascot named Err from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The full meatwad of the review after the jump.
I opened the box from Williams Street and immediately put the pants on in my living room. At the drop of a hat, the UPS/FedEx guy said, “Those look like pajama pants.” What does he know? About a week later, while wearing the pants, I asked a very hot but married pizza waitress what she thought of them. She said, “I noticed them as soon as you walked in the door. And I said to myself, ‘That guy is wearing pajamas.’ But I like them now that I see them up close.” But she didn’t come any closer. Mystery’s mysterious theory of Peacocking didn’t work. At least, not this time. But the fact remains: not one girl I spoke to off-Twitter was very impressed with my expensive, new pants. Instead of asking for my permission to remove them, they asked disinterested questions like, “Oh. [blink] What’s a Mooninite?” and, “Yeah. Would you like a refill or how about the check?”
But how do [adult swim]‘s pants—which are only available in sizes 30-38, sorry fatties—fair outside of The Game? Well, I took the pants for a spin on vacation, while performing at various putt-putt courses on a few famous beaches. Let me say this. Against the aquamarine spritz of a giant, grunt-made volcano and a starry evening sky, these pants look downright fetching. “Mini-golf with the laddies over striking out with the ladies,” is what these pants express effortlessly. The next run of these pants should include that very slogan on the wash instructions (note: at publishing time, the pants have never been rinsed). Unlike other pants—as a 20something male I don’t wear shorts in public—they didn’t effect my putt-putt game (hole-in-1 on hole nine through shark’s mouth, two gold tokens).
Note: these pants are not of the hipster-pansy drainpipes variety that are all the rage. There is plenty of leg and third leg room. Nor are they wigga baggy. In summation, I will say that these pants are a few notches above a pair of Dickies. They even have one Mooninite tellingly half-hidden in the crotch (classy), and the inner-lining is so pink it would make John Holmes blush. I give these pants a…
/Film Rating: 6.5 out of 10
With an imagined matching vest: .03 out of 10
So, we made a deal with this intense video game nerd, Gram, who lives down the street: if he agreed to scribe a review of Ghostbusters: The Video Game (Xbox 360 version) we’d request a review copy and after we played it to our heart’s desire, Gram could keep it and brag to his friends aka his mom. But Gram turned in his review moderately late, so we made him give it back permanently. Our take: It’s really fun. The level of detail is impressive. We agree with Paul Scheer. Blahblah. Here’s this loser’s review.
Ghostbusters: The Video Game could quite possibly be the best thing to happen to the GB series since Professor Dweeb examined the inner-psyche of Slimer in The Real Ghostbusters. It might not be the grand finale movie that many of us hesitantly want, but playing a third-person shooter alongside the original cast will be enough to quiet the diminishing Cult of Rick Moranis.
The graphics are stellar and crystal-clear, and combined with a script by Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis, it’s easily one of the best virtual adaptations of the silver screen since N64‘s Goldeneye. Set in the early ‘90s, the game delivers the familiar gear, characters and locales so as to satisfy any die-hard fan. The Proton Pack and Slime Blower are in check, but it’s the additions to your arsenal that push the gameplay to the next level. You man an unnamed rookie, i.e. the one guy actually dumb enough to alpha-test Egon’s inventions.
The Stasis Stream temporarily immobilizes entities by turning them into stone. Cool. And I really became a fan of the Meson Collider, which is basically the GB equivalent to a rapid-fire rocket launcher. As expected from an above-par shooter, every weapon includes a secondary fire that will pretty much annihilate any weakling spirit that crosses your path. It definitely keep things interesting. But if you’re looking for much on the side of highly innovative AI or numerous bonus features, you will be disappointed. An example: the game actually features a Qbert arcade game—my grandfather actually has a vintage one at his home in Michigan (Ed Note: Who cares, Gram?)—but you can’t play it. It’s moments like these that made me wonder what Rockstar Games would have done differently from Atari.
Don’t get your hopes up if you are expecting to get behind the wheel of the Ecto-1, because it’s not gonna happen. Yeah, there are a couple of things to gripe about here and there, but the voice-overs and overall dedication make it worth buying. Watching Peter Venkman drop a dose of Viagra and lure college girls to his deluxe Manhattan condo would be have been close to what dreams are made of. (Ed Note: Your dreams, maybe.) But overall, Ghostbusters: The Video Game is no Year One and, yeah, it’s better than the sequel and probably the next one too.
Guest Rating: 8.5 out of 10
/Film Rating: 8.0 out of 10
If you would like Hunter Stephenson to consider reviewing your cool stuff, he can be reached at h.attila[at]gmail.com or on Twitter. For another /Film staffer, contact orfilms[at]gmail.com.