goobywtfhunter1

What kind of slimy creature passed for human long enough to make this film? I would not be surprised if the director died recently of perversion withdraw. People keep emailing me this trailer because they think it is funny. No. It’s disturbing. It’s sick. What is Gooby? Gooby is the fucking thing you see above, a furry figment in the “very active” imagination of a young boy named Willy.

As seen here, Gooby is constantly blowing the mind of Eugene Levy, so much so that his hair stands up like Wolverine’s. Gooby is voiced by the guy who plays Hagrid in the Harry Potter franchise. But who really plays Gooby? Who is the Prowse to the Earl Jones? A sick man, and a furry enthusiast no doubt. In fact, every time I view the trailer in horror, I’m more convinced that Gooby is actually the bear-man from The Shining. Comparison photo—as seen daily in the sick halls of Tumblr, obvi—after the jump. And the trailer for Gooby, of course, which should given to the FBI.

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30-rock

“What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.” – Steve Martin

“It is a sad fact of life, but the truth is we all have to eat a little shit from time to time.” – Bruce Willis, in the trailer for Fast Food Nation

Last Thursday night, in keeping with new tradition, viewers of NBC‘s 30 Rock took to Twitter to declare “St. Valentine’s Day” one of the best episodes ever. And it was. Judah Friedlander sported a Troma t-shirt. Tracey Morgan intentionally endangered a hot blind woman. Tiny Fey‘s mouth calculations sent 20something fan-gals off in secret to the nearest mirror. The superlative usual. It was the show’s embrace of cupid’s torturous holiday that added next levs hilarity and desperation to the ongoing romantic subplots between Fey’s Liz Lemon and her “cartoon-pilot” neighbor (Jon Hamm), and Alec Baldwin‘s Jack Donaghy and his Catholic caliente pursuit (Salma Hayek). At times, the marquee-value, the smart-date-friendly structure, and the plentiful LoLs warranted a bigger screen. It felt like you should be paying for what you were seeing.

Alas, the morning after was quite different. Online, some fans were now expressing remorse over the very same episode; some were angry as hell: Network pissed. Kurt Vonnegut once said that music criticism is like putting on a suit of armor to attack a hot fudge sundae; well, to me it seemed that an indeterminable number of 30 Rock fans were now sitting in cubicles or in pajama armor and going to war with 30 Rock‘s manipulative use of a dessert from McDonald’s called the McFlurry. Indeed, last Thursday’s episode began and ended on a love note with Baldwin and Hayek savoring this highly feted plebeian ice cream treat; moreover, the episode ended inside a McD’s, where the couple reunited arm-in-arm with McFlurrys. A window display of the Golden Arches was in full view.

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Universal Pictures has made a series of deals with Hasbro to adapt board games and toys into big screen movies. Last year the studio signed Ridley Scott to develop a movie based on Monopoly, and just last week they announced that Platinum Dunes was developing a movie based around the Ouija board and Etan Cohen was writing a screenplay for Candyland with Enchanted director Kevin Lima to direct. Variety reports that the studio has signed Steve Oedekerk to write a big screen adaptation of Stretch Armstrong.

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I have nothing against Hilary Duff. I’m sure she is a nice girl. I can’t speak towards her acting abilities, because the few films on her acting resume that I have seen, I conveniently don’t remember  (or have tried to forget about). She’s certainly pleasant to look at, but being good to look at isn’t enough to earn you a lead role in a remake to one of the greatest films of all time.

Variety has confirmed that Duff will play Bonnie in Tonya S Holly‘s The Story of Bonnie and Clyde, which is technically not a remake of the 1967 classic film Bonnie and Clyde which starred Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty. Holly supposedly penned a new adaptation on the life and times of the famous gangster duo.

But don’t worry, the supporting cast will surely make up for Duff, right? — Air Bud 3 star Kevin Zegers will play Clyde. Oh wait, And it gets worse… Holly’s 2006 debut film When I Find the Ocean is currently ranked at a 3.6 by Internet Movie Database users, which more than qualifies her to remake a film with an 8.1 rating (ranked #214 of all time). Who in Hollywood actually greenlights this shit? Is making something that is both good and original that hard?

Wait, has anyone purchased Mystery Team yet?

In November it was confirmed that Will Smith’s son Jaden Smith had been cast in a “refashioned” remake of the 1980′s classic The Karate Kid. Set in the “exotic locale” of Beijing, Chris Murphy‘s screenplay is said to “borrow elements” from the original film, and is not a strict remake.If you didn’t think the idea could get worse, well, you were wrong.

Entertainment Weekly is reporting that Jackie Chan will play the Mr. Miyagi role and that Pink Panther 2 director Harold Zwart would helm the “remake”. Many people don’t remember this but Pat Morita was actually nominated for an Academy Award for his performance in the original Karate Kid. The fact that Jackie Chan couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag is extremely troubling.

And the director of The Pink Panther 2? Really? C’mon! They obviously aren’t even trying? Did they just pull Zwart’s name out of a hat filled with names of available directors? This whole story is sounding more and more like an April Fools day joke, but the joke is on us. The movie is actually being made.

With all the cost cutting going on in Hollywood recently, I suggest that Columbia Pictures drop this project  entirely from their upcoming film plate. Columbia, you are about to make an entire generation of moviewatchers very angry. Please, leave this property alone. Walk away now and we will all pretend that this never happened.

Jaden, an avid practitioner of karate, made his big screen debut as Will Smith’s son (big stretch) in Pursuit of Happyness. His performance in The Day the Earth Stood Still was highly criticized.

Discuss: Contribute your negative thoughts below.

Screenwriter Mark Protosevich is in talks to write the American remake of Oldboy for director Steven Speilberg. Star Will Smith recommended Protosevich for the project after working with him on I Am Legend. Yes, your worst fears have come true, the guy who wrote the 2006 adaptation of Poseidon might be writing the script for the English-language adaptation of Old Boy. This can’t be good news.

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As if we didn’t already have enough stupid spoof comedies… Someone decided to give the Wayans Brothers (White Chicks, Little Man) money to make a spoof movie about competitive dance films like /FilmCast favorite Step Up 2 The Streets. The result, is just as horrible, if not worse, than you might expect.

[flv:http://bitcast-a.bitgravity.com/slashfilm/trailers/danceflick.flv 470 264]

Watch the trailer in High Definition on Myspace. Dance Flick hits theaters on February 6th 2009.

Worst Idea Ever: Ridley Scott is Directing Monopoly

I’ve decided to make “Worst Idea Ever” a regular feature since it appears that the Hollywood movie studios are in a never-ending race to see who can greenlight the worst of the worst ideas.

Ridley Scott is now OFFICIALLY attached to direct a big screen movie based on Hasbro’s popular board game Monopoly. Corpse Bride/Monster House scribe Pamela Pettler has been hired to write the script. Scott had been developing the project with plans to produce since June 2007.

The Hollywood Reporter claims that Scott plans to give the film “a futuristic sheen along the lines of his iconic Blade Runner,” but back in August 2007 Scott told the LA Times that it “ought to be humorous and for the family”. Scott explained that the humor will come out of the drastic changes in economic class, “particularly when your uncle suddenly gets [Park Place]” … “You watch people change. You’re witness to Jekyll and Hyde. Somewhere in that is a hysterically amusing and I think rather exciting film.”

I know that Scott’s recent filmography hasn’t been “amazing” (American Gangster is overrated), but this is the guy who directed Alien, Blade Runner and Gladiator. What is a guy of that caliber doing directing a family comedy based on a board game? Seriously!

The answer is: GI Jane. Some of you might not remember, but Ridley Scott was also behind the atrocity that was GI Jane. I’m sure that Monopoly movie will be Scott’s huge clunker of this decade.

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