When a movie studio does not hold a press screening for a film, it's more than a bad sign. So when I entered the theater to see Pulse, the American remake of a Japanese horror film about soul sucking monsters released thorough a computer virus, I wasn't expecting much. Sadly, the film still managed to disappoint me. I left the screening feeling as if my soul had completely been crushed. I was drained to the point that I decided to forgo the second movie screening I had planned that day (and thank god, that movie was the horribly reviewed Tim Allen superhero comedy Zoom).

The movie opens with a scene stolen strait out of Ghostbusters. A kid enters a haunted library, where the books fly off the shelves. The problem is that Ghostbusters was a comedy, and this film was trying to be scary.

Pulse plays like a film school student's first attempt at a horror film. Like a kid in the candy store, director Jim Sonzero over-abuses stylized de-saturation effects he learned from The Matrix, fast flash cuts stolen for Requiem for a Dream, timelapse/reverse motion photography and blown out MTV music video sequences. The intentionally creepy images come off forced and laughable.

Horror movies are scary because you believe the ghosts are real. This film is a cartoon version of reality, where the ghosts just seem like another silly effect.

Remember when Scream came out and revolutionized the horror genre? The years that followed were horrible, featuring only lame imitations on the self aware who-dun-it storyline. Well it appears that the same thing has happened with The Ring, and the result is even worse.

You would think that a film about a horrible computer virus would at least try to get some of the "tech" right, but this film fails on almost all levels. Not only is some of the terminology bad, but the story points are unbelievable. Would a college really hide their main servers in a moldy basement? And the explanation of how red colored duct tape manages to keep out the evil RF waves is too stupid to even write about.

The worst part of this movie is that the story could have been great. I haven't seen the original Japanese version by Kiyoshi Kurosawa, but I'm sure it must have been better. Another side note: Kiyoshi isn't related to Akira, I checked.

I understand that Veronica Mars star Kristen Bell is a self professed geek, with a huge geek following. But that doesn't mean that she needs to take part in horrible films like this. Bell has the talent and looks to break out of the small screen, but that can only happen if she chooses the right roles. And I understand that the studio made extensive cuts to the film to get it down to a PG-13 level, in hopes to get some of the Veronica Mars viewers. While this makes good business sense, why would they hire Bell for a horror film in the first place? This movie could have been one hell of a scary ride if it had been set in a realistic R-rated world.

Do not see Pulse, it will ruin the rest of your day. It will suck out your soul and leave yor drained. It may even make you loose hope in humanity.

Robert McKee says that a civilization can be judged by the stories they tell. I hope to God that this film never gets discovered by aliens looking for transmissions in outer space. Because we'd make great pets.

On the other hand, if they intercepted The Descent, they might be too scared to make contact.

/Film Rating: 2 our of 10