Over the weekend, I found myself at a mall. It was awful. For a sec, I considered going to a movie, but then I realized the sight of hundreds of chubby teenage girls with chubbies for Pasty Pattinson would give me an anxiety attack or the fear. Not only that, but every movie playing I had either seen or…lacked Nicolas Cage. That’s when I realized: I would be tempted to see Precious (yuck), The Blind Side (yuck) or New Moon (girls and gays, you are on fucking notice) if Cage was starring.

The sensation of watching a terrible movie and feeling like a caged animal and watching a terrible movie with Cage acting like one is categorically different. It’s the difference between being punched and robbed by a stranger and slapped by a girlfriend because you deserved it (and subconsciously craved it). During this lonely mall moment, I so could have used the new Nicolas Cage Adventure Set from Brandon Bird. He’s the artist behind the classic Philip Seymour Hoffman Halloween costume poster that we all dig. Hand your lucky crack pipe over to an invisible lizard and explore this braintainment!

Here is the rundown from Bird for the $10 play set...available here.

The Nicolas Cage Adventure Set consists of a double-sided 8.5 x 11 inch play background and one 8.5 x 11 inch sheet of nine vinyl cling stickers: 3 full-body Nicolas Cages, battle axe, skateboard, ice cream cone, scary ghost, parrot, and space helmet. Create scenes, mix and match accessories. Vinyl cling stickers can be used again and again!

I dig that the skeletal spectre is included, as it plays into next year’s release of Cage’s shitty-soundstage-looking Season of the Witch. Peter recently posted a trailer in case any Cage enthusiasts missed it. However, I’m already wishing that the parrot could be zapped into an iguana as tribute to Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, and I’ll pretend the ice cream cone is an amphetamine-reptile (records?) induced hallucination. But pink skateboard decks and proportional battle-axes are worth a squirt.

There is little doubt that Bird’s stickers will be a huge hit, so perhaps he can make a more expensive and lavish version using all of the shit that Cage blew $38 million on. As Vulture recently reiterated in flabbergasted awe…

Among Cage’s purchases were several yachts, a jet, a castle, over 50 cars, over $1 million dollars worth of comic books including Action Comics Number One which featured the very first appearance of Superman, several mansions including one in New Orleans (that may or may not be haunted), two Bahamanian islands, real shrunken heads, and a $500,000 Lamborghini once owned by the Shah of Iran.

He also has dropped $276,000 on a dinosaur skull (reportedly out-bidding Johnny Depp), 2 non-malt liquor real King Cobras (Moby and Sheba) and a pet octopus.

The joy  provided by well-crafted stickers of all that jazz would cease allowing me to notice the release of the next 20 Twilight films (anyone who believes Summit will stop at the original source material after the fourth film: please). But wait! The flip of the “haunted castle” background is an edible cockroach a mortgaged Bahamanian island…

<3 Escape. <3

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