A couple of weeks back I cried out for more info on Bo Burnham and Judd Apatow’s upcoming feature film collaboration, a high school musical that Burnham has pitched as an answer to… er… High School Musical. Last night, one of you answered my cry when @forceofelroy tweeted me the following:

@boburnham is asking twitter for help with ideas for his judd apatow high school musical.

That’s the stuff. So, after the break, my best attempt at sorting the chaff from the wheat. And there was, of course, a lot of chaff, and much of it revolved around bodily fluids.

Burnham fired out two separate queries, “Help me out. What are some things that happen in high school (i.e. the penis game) that you never see in high school movies?” and later “What’s the best high school story that happened to you or someone at your school? (ex. the hockey team apparently had sex with a cat)”.

Here are, in no particular order, some of my favorite replies. Multi-tweet comments have been stitched together for clarity but, other than that, I haven’t altered the content at all. I guess that’s some kind of warning.

@euanaaa when a dog walks into your school

@JoelFryComedy A group of people with differences having Saturday detention and, after seeing the true selves, hating each other even more. Or the star quarterback coming out of the closet on homecoming and spitting in his cheerleader girlfriend’s face. I’ve seen it.

@rhennesy we had this thing where if you got up from the lunch table without your lunch, the others had a right to eat it. ALL.

@Minish Watching a desprate girl urinate in a bottle on the school bus on a long ride.

@theSarahLeslie ….when the football team thought it would be good to dip their junk in wax to “immortalize” it for life. when they were done, they placed the very small, =P, wax statues on every teacher’s desk.

@jamesheart24 my maths teacher was seen on a popular porn website

@SSullivan21 high schools are not beautiful in real life. they don’t look like college campuses.

@Cabose the duldrum of classwork? people shooting heroin in the bathroom? well, maybe that was just chelmsford high

@PriscillaF people actually get along

@crickit12 a bunch of my friends and i blogged about how much we hate one of our teachers on facebooks groups and almost got sued.

@i_am_brennan trying to get your teacher to stay off topic as long as possible.

@carryfillups At my hs there were a ton of fights - one time someone’s mom came up to the school and stabbed a student.

@robinsparkls wrestlers having sex with their girlfriends on the nasty wrestling mats. That and girls on their third kid when they graduate.

@BigAC88 Actual High School atmosphere

@vslyke18 Heh, like the police brutality, the gang rapes, or the bomb threats?

@NoahWebb statutory rape

@katestodola rigging your locker so you don’t have to use the combo, it just opens…mundane: true, but it happens

@kennyparadiso teachers coming to school hungover or stoned haha

@robinsparkls our rival school always wore white trash bags when playing us in sporting events

@mrchipps Things that happen in High School? How about, the “love interest” being a really nice girl who actually ends up being a skank?

@Nyghtweaver Head cheerleader was found under the stairs masturbating with a squeegie. I kid you not. For months afterwards people would give her squeegies as presents.

@elizabethsayshi nuggeting backpacks with the plastic tie things.. thats what my freshmen bio class. and 7-Up.. well thats what we did in math

@dancechica914 a girl hooked up with a cannibal on spring break and didn’t find out until she got a certain disease that only cannibals get.

@DaggerDan nuggeting backpacks is a good one (take stuff out, turn inside out, put stuff back and zip up)

@TressTress girls brought vodka to school in water bottles.

@Bethhh17 ‘Danger Chair’. It’s cool. We have our own (less violent) version of fight club too…

@conormichael I always played the “Ground is Lava” game and Magic/Pokemon in high school, but not even movie nerds do that. Boy, was I popular.

@Michalko also our school had 2 toiletts in 1 stall in the girls bathroom. our friend went to check. it was true. he was suspended.

@heyxitsxannie We had bomb threats written in poop in our boys’ bathroom. This happened two years in a row.

@aprilcatherineb creepy moments with bus drivers and getting unwarranted detention slips from crazy office ladies

@HabloSafo ppl setting trashcans on fire in the bathroom. ppl having rap offs during lunch. when ppl get in fights the cops come and taser

@snuffleupagous I tie-dyed my graduation gown and they weren’t gonna let me walk. We also had a day care. Thought that was weird…

@hiitsclaire someone let 3 pigs loose in the school&told administration there were 4 so once they found 3 they spent forever looking for a 4th. that was kind of a crappy story, sorry

@robinsparkls we had speakers come to encourage us because we had a 50% graduation rate

@brieasaurus The random blind kid walking down the halls saying the floor is made of chocolate, hitting people with his stick on purpose.

@StLouie52 It kills me the way they have high school kids dance in movies. Everyone grinds, no one face to face jigs

@snapshot19 the game where u make a circle with ur hand, and if the other person looks at it, u get to punch them :)

@bigmac789 random bomb threats that aren’t taken seriously, locker searches, and teacher-student affairs. Yep. Oh, and good Christian values

@dmaul53854 Lynchings

@chrisserrano A couple guys filled the halls with hundreds of bouncy balls. The classrooms were on lockdown while all the balls were cleared.

@Grizdakillr one time during hockey practice one kid pissed in another kids glove.

@crimsong19 Apparently, someone left a deuce in a stairwell. Turns out that it was bread dough.

@mattgcn ugly people who are popular

@indyunderground you never see acne in the movies LOL

@CelebratesIrony …straight boys humping each other for fun…at least thats what happens in New York…

@mnwildfn89610 SOGGY WAFFLES

@indieemu in the uk we have soggy biscuit were guys stand round a cookie and toss off. The last one 2 cum on the cookie has to eat it. Fun?

@leodavidson Could just be the English public schools, but buggery. Lots of buggery.

@bethanyxawesome the infamous “cup check”

@soofehflys pregnant teenage girls giving birth on the school playing field or car park

@CAlex6977 How about cheerleaders for debate teams or Black kids in orchestra.

@REM_216 drugs, drinks, and fornication in the trees behind the building? Or something is that just my school?

@BriTheCheese Someone let loose a trenchcoat-full of sparrows in the hallway.

@katestodola our football team always peed on this yard gnome before playing one rival team…long tradition

@chica_pixie librarian coming after kids for late books. ours was a freak and used to chase kids in the halls… she was twisted!

@HGMIV smart stoners

@itskatieyo we didn’t have sports teams, so our homecoming game was a dodge ball match… against ourselves.

@christypayton the students actually looking like they are in high school and not in their mid 20s

@the_5th_of_4 When the bell rings, people are IN CLASS.

@MandaHuggNKisss A girl on my bus would do “favors” for guys in the back of the bus on the ride home. Can’t say I’ve seen that in a movie…yet

@omnipod all the popular kids + jocks made up our entire drama club, specifically the musicals. i never ever see that.

Only time will tell which, if any, of these seedy, sad, funny or downright surreal moments make it into the finished project. I feel lucky because, while I regularly teach film to high school age students and, frankly, I’ve never seen anything like half of these Twitter users are reporting.