Liberty City’s Vlad and Niko are (predictably) not siked right now. That’s right, Slashfilm’s original, indefatigable voodoo child, Uwe Boll, recently confessed to Vulture that he’s the perfect manimal to helm Grand Theft Auto: The Movie. Moreover, Boll said he would choose to direct a “very brutal” $30 million adaptation that would absolutely destroy Michael Bay’s $150 million PG-13 version that exists, yep, only in Boll’s well-protected brain! As of 6 p.m. EST, Rockstar Games had suspiciously chosen not to comment on this non-rumor. Here’s Boll…
“Grand Theft Auto would be super interesting for me, and I think I would actually be the right guy to do it, because my movies are all bloody and violent and I don’t have a problem with action scenes. But look, they will go, in the end, with a Michael Bay or a Brett Ratner, and it will be a PG-13 movie made for $150 million. I think it would be better to make a $30 million, very hard, brutal movie without compromising, but I’m not optimistic.”
Well, I’m sure GTA x Boll becoming a reality will come down to the performance of Postal, Boll’s latest video game adaptation finally opening in the U.S. on May 23rd. Peter says it’s his “best” movie thus far, but not his, you know, Bolliest. However, in the film’s defense, Boll did admit to forcing tiny Postal co-star Verne Troyer into a suitcase….and then he closed it! WTFBoll!
“[Verne] said, “Don’t close the suitcase completely, please.” And we said, “Look, it will be quick,” and then we promised him we wouldn’t but then we closed it anyway. But we opened it right away.
And was he upset?
A little, but then he was okay.
As with all things Boll, it gets better. Save your talk about alternative fuels, world, because Boll wants to convert ubiquitous Internet fanboy hatred into terrible Boll cinema. What a concept! Specifically, Boll wants to turn you and me into bloodsucking zombie extras in his upcoming Wii-adaptation Zombie Massacre.
“I have the rights to [Wii game] Zombie Massacre, and maybe we should do that movie with all the gamers and Boll haters, and people who signed that petition anti-Boll, or pro-Boll, we all meet in a big, small city - somewhere in the Midwest. And we all shoot Zombie Massacre together; they all play zombies, and they’re there and can give me advice if they think they can do it better than me. …I could have the biggest movie ever, basically for free! Because they would definitely all be there.”
Ladies and gents, the Internet is Boll’s sandbox, littered with sharp obscenities, petitions, and gum. The only question that remains is…
Discuss: If Boll makes Zombie Massacre will you cuome? Oh, and well, should Rockstar Games allow Uwe Boll to make a GTA short film, advertisement or just turn him into a death-attracting avatar?
May 12th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
How does this guy keep getting money for movies?
He just must buy up all of the shitty video game rights as he can.
I could make a better movie than him, I actually think I did.
May 12th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Is there any film Boll doesn’t think he’s “perfect” for?
May 12th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
As much as I hate him and his movies, he does have a fair point.
*I* would much rather a semi low budget, gritty urban GTA movie for a lower budget than a ridiculously overhyped high budget vehicle for some up and coming film star with ridiculous camera shots and an over reliance on special effects.
Thats just me tho, and even if they did make a lower budgeted GTA film? Keep Uwe Boll the fuck away from it.
May 12th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Only 730,714 more signatures by Wednesday and we all get free gum!
May 12th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I don’t think I would want to be around a million rabid Uwe Boll haters in zombie makeup. I don’t see that ending well, at least not for him. As for GTA hell no. Even if it would be another crime/heist movie leave it to someone with some talent. Michael Mann would be awesome.
May 12th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Grand Theft Auto doesn’t ever need to be made into a Movie. The games are just about rich enough in their narrative, that it works exactly right for a computer game.
All these films will be is, non stop shooting, car chases and explosions. There won’t be enough time to develope the narrative as much as the game allows, so there isn’t any point.
Personally I’ve played every GTA and the story has alway’s been the last important thing in them for me. It’s all about the game play, freedom to move around and do what you want and the voice acting and radio stations.
May 12th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
No, and hell no. Stop blogging about this dude. I’m tired of all the free publicity. But he does suck…..
May 12th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
The closest thing you could come to a GTA movie would be something along the lines of Crank and seeing as we already have Crank (and soon a Crank 2) why retread?
May 12th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Uwe Boll should have a reality show on E!
May 12th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Death attracting avatar FTW! XD
Seriously, why would Rockstar sell themselves out like that? Their franchise is MASSIVE and the coin they could make off a GTA movie is pretty massive as well. Why blow all that potential with Boll?
May 12th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Prolly cause of the hype. Ppl hate him but love their game so they know that’s just better for them. Who knows. It’s like making Metal Gear into a film. Why? When you already have a pretty cinematic experience as it is. Why ruin it with something like the shitty Resident Evil series?
May 12th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
@ duca
It’s a given that Rockstar WOULD NEVER ALLOW Boll to direct GTA, or allow anyone for that matter. A feature film would negate the purpose behind the company’s GTA franchise, which is to give Hollywood a run for the money (in every sense) while creating a product that attempts to surpass the movie experience as America’s entertainment past time of choice.
That said, there could be some cultural cache (not that R* needs it by any means) in using Boll’s interest in GTA as was above. Plus, Boll offers up constant WTF, so we post about him.
@ Floppy
While I dig Crank, I’m sure Rockstar has kicked around ideas for a movie adaptation that would surpass it. I don’t think we can underestimate them, even in an outside medium.
May 12th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP HIM!!!
May 12th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
somebody take this guys crack pipe away.
May 12th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I have to agree with Boll if its a choice between a big budget PG-13 for a general audience and an smaller R rated one. He makes an excellent point there. I dont think Id trust him to make the R rated version though. But that is the direction they should go. Keep the cost down a little and go for a more adult audience. If they go in the other direction it could flop. That is the mistake they always make with video game movies, they make them for kids.
May 12th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
I will be in Boll’s movie!
May 12th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
@Hunter
lol yeah, I should know better then to take anything like that too seriously. My friend and I were actually debating Uwe Boll the other night and GTA was one of the films that came up. It does make one wonder if he will continue to secure the rights to video game movies now that the companies have some examples of his work. Then again, some companies only care about profit and a quick sale is better then no sale.
I don’t believe a GTA movie is needed, but that it has potential to make a lot of money. Then again, I also think that GTA seems to be repeating itself in general and that perhaps it’s time for Rockstar to move on to something new, but that debate is for another website lol
May 12th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
only Quentin Tarantino should be ALLOWED to direct this movie.
May 12th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
“we all meet in a big, small city — somewhere in the Midwest. And we all shoot Zombie Massacre together; they all play zombies, and they’re there and can give me advice if they think they can do it better than me”
as much as i badmouth this guy, thats a pretty fun and humble idea. its cool that he’d be willing to do that. i’m not sure it’ll ever happen, but i’ll give him props for that.
May 12th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
@ OC
Yeah, in a way Uwe Boll communicates with movie fans on the Internet better than any director that comes to mind…except those fans hate his guts. But I think the quote you commented on was quite progressive; it’s a cool populist idea to entertain. 10,000 Slashfilm/moviesite readers in a movie.
Boll sucks at his profession, but Boll understands that truly closing the gap between films, angry movie fans and the Net is a good way to neutralize some of the hate (kill em with kindness…) and keep his name out there. I’m surprised a geek/genre movie has not organized a similar stunt with the nation’s fanboys.
May 12th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I’m sick to death of video game to film adaptations. I don’t care if it’s Uwe Boll or Michael Bay or Zombie Stanley Kubrick. Just stop. It doesn’t work.
May 12th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
ok umm uew boll is an idiot he sucks at all movies that has his name on them it is more than obvious i mean do i need to recall that failure Called the DOA movie better yet blood rayne i respect him for trying but he as alredy ruined alot of good games GTA does not need a movie the game is more than enough so we all need to just send mr Boll a message and tell him no! and smack his hand for trying to touch a classic game such as GTA please excuse my rudeness
May 12th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
This man is an alien who whants to invade earth. I knew it!!!!
May 12th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
This man is an alien who wants to invade earth. I knew it!!!!
May 12th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Movies like GTA already exist.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
I appreciate his enthusiasm about movies/films, but from his previous work he’ll be destroying the game franchise rather than enriching it. He just don’t have what it takes it makes really good/decent movies.
Uwe, the bucks stop here.
May 13th, 2008 at 6:33 am
I might not like Boll’s movie but i really do agree with him on the Budget thing!!!
Seems like a cool ass dude to have some drinks with.
But your fucking movies man!!!!
EWWWWWWWWWWWWW
May 13th, 2008 at 7:58 am
My take is keep Uwe Boll away from any of the GTA movies. His touch is the touch of death when it comes to Video Game Films. He is not reverent of any of the material that he licenses so that alone should have the fans howling for him not to do a GTA movie.
May 13th, 2008 at 8:12 am
It’s like Hunter said we all know that Rockstar is not going to allow Uwe Boll to touch their property. They were smart enough to push talks with the Galactic Empire, err I mean Electronic Arts until after GTA 4 hit shelves so they’re sure as hell smart enough to not let him get his grimy hands on their property. So quit worrying about Boll destroying another one of your revered pastime keepsakes.
May 13th, 2008 at 11:04 am
that zombie massacre idea might be his way of getting all his enemies in one spot, and then going postal on them. but if he did that for real, that might be pretty cool.
he could make a movie where he stars as himself, in the future, a time where giant evil gum corporations create a gum that turns people into zombies. all of the people that sign the petition get the free gum and turn the world upside down. then its up to uwe boll, the man that was so hated, to save the world from the undead hordes. with enough violence and nudity, he could redeem his name as a film maker
May 13th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
I would show up. Just to beat him severely. Maybe I’ll use a shovel.
May 17th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
PLZ NOOO I KILL U IF YOU DO GTA the MOVIE DO YOU DARE MAKE IT I HATE U UWE BOLL I NEVER EVEN SEEN YOUR MOVIE I WILL RUIN THE GAME ARGHHHH lol
June 10th, 2008 at 11:03 am
The only way to make Uwe Boll to stop making movies is to kill him! Seriously… Every game that Boll touches it turns it into a bloddy-bad movie.
June 14th, 2008 at 4:12 am
UWE BOLL SHOULD NOT MAKE THE GRAND THEFT AUTO MOVIE.
NINJA ASSAULT SHOULD BE BOLLS MOVIE.
Uwe Boll should not make the movie based on Grand Theft Auto because he will screw it up so I think he can f**k up Zombie Massacre and he can work on Ninja Assault live action movie as well.
Ninja Assault will be a PG-13 low budget action set in feudal Japan
1620 where ninjas hunt the evil Shogun Kagai.
Now Kagai marries two very special girls for his resurrection,so now it’s up to three ninjas and a group of bounty hunters led by Jack Allen must hunt Kagai and save the girls from being married.
This is just my say and excuse for the F word.
Thank You.
BRUCE ACOSTA
AUSTRALIA.