Editors note: This review is a little late, and its entirely my fault as I accidently passed it while working at SXSW in Austin.
The Following is Documented Wiki Info: The 10th millennium BC marks the beginning of the Mesolithic, or Epipaleolithic period, which is the first part of the Holocene epoch.
[World population was likely below 5 million people, mostly hunting-gathering communities scattered over all continents, save for Antarctica, and with the proto-Lapita migration also reaching the islands of the Pacific. Pottery, and with pottery probably cooking, was developed independently in Japan and North Africa[citation needed]. It is likely that the earliest incidence of Agriculture, based on the cultivation of primitive forms of millet and rice, occurred in southeast Asia, around 10,000 BC. Agriculture also began to develop in the Armenian Highlands, and the Fertile Crescent, but would not be practiced widely or predominantly for another 2,000 years; however, figs of a parthenocarpic breed were found in the Gilgal I neolithic village in the Jordan River valley. The Würm glaciation ended, and the beginning interglacial, which endures to this day, allows the re-settlement of northern regions.]
That is the REAL 10,000 BC. The actuality and realism of the film is fictitiously hilarious and now that I’ve seen it, I believe it is just, and only, a special effects extravaganza. I cannot stress enough how all over the place this movie was, and that I was entertained primarily on the notion that this was a ridiculous film. Get ready readers, this may be one of the only pseudo bad reviews I give for a flick, and I will stress that while I did not hate this movie, I by no means loved it. I’m madly in like with this movie. I liked it okay. It’s the best way I can describe it, almost like the way you enjoy Daredevil, “It’s so bad, you can’t keep your eyes away.”
So there is a tribe. This tribe of hunters and gatherers are led by a woman who is the “Mother” of the tribe and has not just “I’m a witchdoctor” powers, but full blown psychic ability. The tribe is living at the top of a snowy mountain surrounded by such a beautiful and majestic view of clouds, you wonder how they could live at such an unbreathable elevation and that they would have died off that way anyhow. The beginning shows our hero Steven Strait, who is only a child. His father has created the ruse of leaving the tribe, but it was for a good cause which he keeps secret and still by the end of the movie I never understood completely why. There is a prophesy that a blue eyed girl would come and be the “Woman” of the hero of the tribe. When they get “All growned up” (Sorry, I’m in Nashville), the young blue eyed girl is the Super Hot Camilla Belle and there is a long overdo hunt about to begin. Needless to say the tribe of hunters in the same vein of Dances with Wolves attacks a bunch of fairly well done wooly mammoths.
Now see if you can keep up. I’m not joking, this is how Clusterfucked this film was…With stunning visuals. I’m giving the gist right now.
One night the village is attacked by four legged demons, (Viking looking men on Horses), they capture most of the villagers and take off. So Strait and two guys go after their people to rescue them. Yes, three naked hunters against, fully armed men on horseback. At the base of their snowy mountains they enter a steaming hot jungle in hot pursuit. Now even though I forgot to mention that the tribe is made up of pretty white people with dreads, Native Americans, and I believe, Eskimos, it all seemed like a puzzle that came with pieces that never intended to match. It was all very odd, because their captors are Egyptian Viking types. Egyptians are a more Middle Eastern looking and Vikings are giant Scandinavian blonds….So they combined the two. Now entering the jungle, this is where they are attacked ala Jurassic Park by man eating ostriches that look, sound, and attack like Raptors.
After this, it is the point where they hit the desert, and make allies with basically the whole of the Zulu nation, who agree to help them because the Vikings hit them too. Now is the confusing part. They secretly arrive at the pyramids that are being built by Africans and wooly mammoths. There is no Pharaoh, but a living god that they do not delve into enough to make him a substantial character. So they try to incite a revolt among the slaves, and take on Egypt.
See I’m getting confused now just trying to explain. They went from the snowy mountains, to the hot jungle, to the desert, and finally to the pyramids in that order. Which by the way, were not put together with wooly mammoths as beasts of burden, I think it was Jewish slaves, right?
Now without giving away anymore story I would like to say, it was a very attractive movie and the effects were extremely decent. Strait and Belle are both pretty little Hollywood newbies and did a good job with their longing looks and batting their pretty eyes. Also for your convenience, apparently 12,000 years ago, everyone still spoke proper English. I give it a 5/10, just for the effects and popcorn value of a throwaway movie. In a nutshell, if you can understand titling this movie “The Jurassic Apocalypto Pathfinder the Day after Tomorrow” You’d understand completely and not need to see it. However if you have a rainy Saturday going down and you feel like a matinee, do it up. Hunter (The writer, not the guy in the flick) may need to smoke a little something something before hand, but I believe everyone who sees this may need to inebriate themselves in order to actually get the depth, like Vietnam. “You weren’t there man! Those hairy elephants were crazy!!”
I think it takes genius behind the scenes to put together a movie this epically beautiful. But I believe strongly as a writer and a reviewer that a well written script is important along with a wonderful director with vision, great production and a stunning visual team. A poorly written script with top fucking notch effects and promotion shouldn’t be the bar we set to make bank on a film weekend to weekend. It needs to be the few and far between dirty rocks we clean off, and realize they are actually diamonds we were never expecting to come across.
Discuss: Does a movie need to be pretty and entertaining to matter, or have depth? We do not often get all the elements put together.
March 12th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Unreal that you put the boots to this CGI infested funride but call The Fountain one of the best films of the year. I love this site and think your blodgging and up to the minute movie news is great, but sometimes your reviews and film insight is ass backwards and an obvious take on your personal taste and not a biased look at film.
March 12th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Isn’t it obvious that this is a prequel to Stargate?
March 12th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
BJ Penn: This review was written by Zach Lawrence, not myself. The difference in opinion can be explained most times by multiple authors. If you have a differing opinion than this review, feel free to comment explaining what exactly you disagree with. Thanks for reading!
March 12th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Peter,
My apologies, if I actually opened my eyes and looked who wrote the review I would have seen it wasn’t you!
BJ
March 12th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
BJ: No problem, for a long time /Film was my one man show, but now with Hunter and reviews from Mel and Zach, it’s become a bit of a different animal. I’m pretty sure you’re not the only one confused. In our new design, feature articles will have a big “Who is this author” type section in the sidebar, which will help differentiate the contributors.
March 12th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Hey BJ. How can you say its based on personal taste and I’m not biased. For example
“I think it takes genius behind the scenes to put together a movie this epically beautiful.” AND
“I’m not joking, this is how Clusterfucked this film was…With stunning visuals.” AND
“and I will stress that while I did not hate this movie, I by no means loved it. I’m madly in like with this movie. I liked it okay.”
Now, all reviews are obvious takes on personal tastes, like yours on my article! The Fountain was one of my faves of 2006, not ever and I loved that (like Pete) because it was the rediculousness of how far someone would go for love and to save someone they loved.
Now this movie… It was just all over the place, right? The CG was excellent, but there was no substance, see what I’m getting at?
I love things like the 13th Warrior, I liked Pathfinder (don’t think anyone else saw it though), Army of Darkness… So I’m no elitist. I just think for all the hype this movie wanted to spread itself too far in too many directions and wanted to be too many things.
However. Thank you very much for reading, I’m not going to say FU on your opinion.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
I was the only one of my friends who thought this might be good, but it turns out they were right. I was a little put off from the offset when I saw the mammoths with the pyramids and the jungle and desert. I was like “So…they’re traveling all around the world? Was this normal back then?” Of course the answer is no. It seems a little ridiculous that a movie this historically inaccurate is allowed by the producers and directors. This just puts it into people’s heads even further that nothing that happens in a movie is realistic or based off of reality at all, so when you base any opinion off of evidence in a movie people just immediately discredit that source and say that you’re wrong. It’s sad to me that such shitty scripts have millions of dollars thrown at them on a monthly basis. You’d think that with all the people interested in film, there would be some good writers, and they wouldn’t be ignored as often as they probably are. Ha…makes me super-psyched to go into the film industry as writer, in fact.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Zach,
Point taken, I just find that too many times this site gives upside down takes on movies but the more I think about it, movie reviews are always a personal opinion on how the saw the movie. Keep writing I’ll keep reading ; )
BJ
March 12th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
You’ve pretty much said exactly the feeling I was getting when I watched the previews for this movie.
It’s just ridiculous… point blank.
I know the commercials were supposed to get people OOOing and AAhhing over it, but it just looked absolutely stupid to me.
Another crapfest that relies too much on CG.
I’m really glad I passed up this movie.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
I was the only one who was not all hyped about the film.. all my friends were like
“OMG 10000 BC” and stuff like that
when i first saw the trailer, im like neat, a film with alot of CG… (therefore alot of ppl are alrdy going to watch it)
but it was a real let down for me when the characters started talking..
the ppl didnt talk like cave men… it was like BRAVE HEART but topless (i was going to say 300 but that movie was too uber :D )
now im considering to even bother watching it?
March 13th, 2008 at 12:17 am
I need to start by saying this was not a perfect film but does it deserve to be trashed because it is historically inaccurate? I hadn’t realized it was a documentary… sorry.
March 13th, 2008 at 4:45 am
Hey Now DareDevil was good!!! haha
10,000 B.C. == Worst. Movie. Ever.
March 13th, 2008 at 4:45 am
I was surprised at how terrible this movie was. I figured it would have mediocre writing and and some decent special effects. I was also hoping for some decent action.
Well all I got was decent special effects. The writing was absolutely terrible, “clusterfucked” describes it perfectly.
And the action? Well I guess with a PG rating, Canada, you shouldn’t expect much. But for an “epic” movie I would expect something a little more…epic. But no the battle was boring. I really just found myself hoping the movie would end.
March 13th, 2008 at 6:49 am
Native Nashvillian here. Love this website and most of the stories/reviews. However, there’s no need to make a stupid comment like “All growned up†(Sorry, I’m in Nashville). That was a tad bit disrespectful. We’re not a bunch of backwoods hicks, driving pickup trucks with shotguns in the back window, whistling through our missing teeth. This isn’t Deliverance. It’s freaking Nashville, and I dare say, it’s one of the coolest cities in the U.S. If you don’t like it here, get the hell out.
March 13th, 2008 at 9:43 am
James Mitchell
Hey man, I’ve been to Nashville 6 times and it’s one of my favorite cities in the country… But I’m from Boston, and we have more made fun of accents than anyone in the entire country. I meant no offense, but that morning when I was in Waffle House eating beakfast off route 40, the woman behind me was talking about how awesome her c-section scar had faded. And my nephew was talking about how he was “fixin” to go see 10,000 BC.
So I’m wicked sorry that I caused offense. I think that Nashville is wicked pissah. I apologize for being a wicked retard.
Thank you for reading bro, I was just playing.
March 13th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
No problem. I probably overreacted. We just seem to get the brunt of a lot of the redneck jokes and I have no idea why. Maybe people equate country music with idiots, I dunno. But once people actually visit they realize how cool it is here. Next time you need breakfast in Nashville hit the Pancake Pantry in Hillsboro village. You’ll love it.
March 13th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Terrible movie… TERRIBLE!!! I agree with what Matt had to say… also I was a little pissed off that it turned into… well i shouldnt say turned into… it stated and was a FUCKIN LITTLE KIDS CORNY ASS LOVE STORY!
March 14th, 2008 at 6:17 am
I watched this movie 2x with some friends, and we loved it. The sets, scenery, plot, and especially the acting by Steven Strait and Camille Belle were awesome.
This film is in the classic mold of all other fantasy/sci-fi films, so I no understand what there is to criticize? The “Indiana Jones” movies, Star Trek tv series, Star Wars, Star Gate etc. were all of the same type. All were inaccurate historically, and in many other ways.
Having been to both Africa and New Zealand (and yes, done hiking around mountains there), it is very possible to go from snowy peaks to humid forest, and then to hot plains or desert in 2-3 day hiking. So for critics to assume that in 10,000 BC film they walked across continents in 3 days and to trash the movie for this unbelievable feat is ridiculous.
I don’t think it fair to nit-pick this film. So many bad reviews I’ve read, and yet it is an exciting, breathtaking and well acted movie that you can go to many times and not be bored. It also has morale of bonding with friends, and later with whole peoples to achieve a goal.
I think Steven Strait is a great actor. I’ve seen him in “SkyHigh” and “The Covenant”. He carried 10,000 BC. None of the other actors came close. He went from outcast/hunter in his tribe in the beginning, to Superhero at the end. I hope we see him in alot more movies. He’s better than Tom Cruise, who I think is overpayed and overhyped. Same about George Clooney.
March 14th, 2008 at 6:27 am
I heared from friends that it is a nice movie. I cannot wait to watch it with the nice guy I hooked up at the milliionaires&hotties site MeetingRich dot c om.
March 14th, 2008 at 7:52 am
“So they try to incite a revolt among the slaves, and take on Egypt.”
I copied/pasted this from original editorial. I have one question.
How do you know the site in 10,000 BC with pyramids was supposed to be Egypt? This is fantasy movie genre. It could have been anywhere.
They didn’t look like ancient Egyptians. And it was a building site, not a city.
Despite all the critics, 10,000 B.C. is the #1 box office movie world wide, which is big achievement. American film like “Michael Clayton”–boring– -can’t boast such success.
Everyone I think forgets the basic premise to this film. It’s a fantasy, and in fantasies anything goes. Nothing has to be accurate.
There should be more fault tolerance(in Japan we say fo-rutotoreransu). If something you don’t like in 10,000 BC, just ignore it. They spent 100+ million to make this movie, and the actors when thru bootcamp and training just to get idea how people hunted and lived 10,000 BC. For all that, they deserve much better reaction.
March 14th, 2008 at 8:21 am
Sumiko, I take it you missed the reference there about the bible story of Moses freeing the Hebrews from Egypt. The later part of the movie is rather reminiscent of that story, albeit with a heavy dose artistic licensing.
You really seem to love this movie though, you have a hand in making it. Because come on, it really isn’t very good. Admit it, the writing and acting a very weak.
March 14th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Maybe some dialog is a little bit silly, but the acting by the principal characters is very good. Steven Strait carried the film really well. Camille Belle was good too, even though much smaller part.
I have lived in several countries (born in Japan, lived in S. Korea, Taiwan, Italy and now with family in USA). But I have to say only in USA is habit to expect characters in movies like this to speak and and like Americans. I’ve read many comment about the “phony” accents adopted for the movie. Do you really expect people from time supposed to be 10,000 BC in a strange continent to come out of their tents speaking American style English? That would really have been stupid.
Yes, I loved the movie because I thought the scenes, sets, action, and story was awesome.
And yes, I know two people who worked behind the scenes on the crew whole time movie was being filmed, and I was introduced to some cast members briefly during press interviews/presentations.
So maybe I am alittle biased!
April 17th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
The Worst Movie I ever seen, 10,000 BC is should have no stars