Maxim Magazine is celebrating the best of the worst motion pictures in the March issue. We bring you “The 20 Greatest Awful Movies of All Time.”
Maxim’s picks, or more accurately, pans:
20. The Beastmaster: Half Conan and half Dr. Dolittle, loincloth-wearing Marc Singer is Dar, a man who talks to the animals…and kills people.
19. Hard Target: Jean-Claude Van Damme’s lone film with Wilford Brimley is good family fun, provided your idea of family fun is watching homeless Vietnam vets being hunted for sport.
18. Hot Dog…The Movie!: It has skiing, a jagoff German and topless scenes. Instant classic.
17. Over the Top: A Stallone steamer about a man who regains his son’s love by arm wrestling.
16. Tango & Cash: Ali and Frazier. Magic and Bird. Sly and Kurt. It’s a dream pairing of B-movie icons in the tale of rival cops who bond by putting grenades in people’s pants.
15. They Live: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper has sunglasses that enable him to see that many people are, in fact, aliens. It’s a real crowd pleaser.
14. Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins- They were looking for a blockbuster action franchise. That didn’t happen.
13. Boondock Saints: Writer-director Troy Duffy was supposed to be the next Tarantino. His one film pre-flame-out features Willem Dafoe swishing it up as a gay FBI agent.
12. Starship Troopers: Satire of fascism or just miserably acted flick about kids who wanna squash some bugs? At least it stars Doogie Howser!
11. The Toxic Avenger: Troma Films’ masterpiece reveals what happens when a nerdy janitor falls in toxic waste: superpower strength to rip off a person’s arm and beat him with it.
10. Best of the Best: James Earl Jones, Eric Roberts and the US karate team beat Koreans into kimchi.
9. Missing in Action: While Vietnam wasn’t much fun at the time, it’s made for a lot of awesome movies. This one may not have the cinematic merit of Full Metal Jacket, but it has something better: Chuck Norris.
8. Commando: After a former Latin American dictator snatches his daughter, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ex-GI John Matrix must rescue her using only violence and one-liners: “I let him go,” “He’s dead tired.”
7. The Island of Dr. Moreau: Your chance to see Brando with an ice bucket on his head.
6. Billy Madison: The inspiring tale of a lad who just wants to “touch the hiney.”
5. Dead Alive: In this pre-Lord of the Rings gorefest by Peter Jackson, zombies battle with Father McGruder, the kung fu priest.
4. Dolemite: The coolest/worst made blaxploitation flick. A pimp tries to duck the boom mike drifting into shoots.
3. Showgirls: Nomi’s a small-town gal with big dreams to become a topless dancer in Vegas. She must first endure sleazy casino execs, rock stars and much gratuitous nudity.
2. Porky’s: The subplot about anti-Semitism wasn’t the best, but respect must be paid for bringing glory holes to the mainstream and teaching us why Kim Cattrall is called Lassie.
1. Big Trouble in Little China: Kurt Russell needs to save a green-eyed girl from a Chinese man who wants to marry her so that he can take over the universe. Or something like that. Honestly, no one knows what’s actually going on in this guns and kung fu mishmash, but if you spot it while flipping channels you will watch it until the end.
Peter Sciretta’s comments: Boondock Saints? Are they nuts. Troy Duffy is another subject all together, but why include this film on a list of the best bad movies? Toxic Avenger should rank higher. I’m surprised The Class of Nukem High didn’t make it. Also, Uwe Boll’s House of the Dead so bad that it’s hilariously funny. But I agree, his movies don’t deserve to be on any list other than the worst movies of all time.
February 22nd, 2007 at 11:50 pm
Big Trouble in Little China? Are you kiddin me? BTiLC is John Carpenter’s best film not titled The Thing or Halloween. Brilliant genre-bending, genre-redefining script, a hero who doesn’t realize he’s really the sidekick, a top-notch cast enjoying themselves (Kurt Russell has never been better), suitably jaw-dropping action scenes (for 1986), plenty of deadpan, campy and/or black humor, and more quotable dialogue per minute than another other movie on that list.
A review on EfIlmcritic.com (by some dude named Mel Valentin) lays it all out in greater detail. Check it out (the movie and the review, that is), if you haven’t already. He says so and so do I (even if we are the same person on a good day).
February 22nd, 2007 at 11:52 pm
Fish, you wouldn’t happen to have the link to that? :P
February 22nd, 2007 at 11:59 pm
Indeed I do sir. You ask, I give:
http://efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=2024&reviewer=402
And yes, BTiLC is right up there in my list of all-time, “fun’ movies and I don’t feel guilty about it (thus, it’s not a “guilty pleasure” as say, Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness is for me).
February 23rd, 2007 at 12:00 am
Duke of Fluke? I thought you said the guy’s name was Mel? :P
February 23rd, 2007 at 12:25 am
Ha, that’s some other reviewer dude. Don’t know him, don’t know much about him. The link up top should take you to the review in question, though. If not, check out the pull down menu on the left hand side. It lets pick from different reviews of the same film (or it should).
February 23rd, 2007 at 5:40 am
BTiLC is in my Top 3, and I understand that my tastes may not be everyone’s, but I’ll be damned if you find a more quoteable movie. I agree with some of the movies on this list as being truly awful, i.e. Beastmaster & Best of the Best. But Commanod too? Make me sick, and want to cancel my Maxim subcription.
March 8th, 2007 at 5:47 am
if you think btilc is not good, you clearly don’t get it . its supposed to be hammy. its also a great movie
March 10th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
It should be noted that Kim Cattrall stars in the top two all time best worst movies. I’m a big time Cattrall fan - Does anyone else remember the movie Mannequin - another great terrible movie. Lastly, where is the love for Demolition Man?
Signed,
Kurt Russell Superfan #1
April 3rd, 2007 at 10:11 pm
Hey , Big trouble in little china is one of the best movies that I have seen in my whole life , this movie is excellent, who did this ranking ? , maybe a spiderman fan or fantastic four fan,
April 11th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
Who the fuck writes these reviews at Maxim? 14 year olds who think Freddy Got Finger’d is a classic?
Big Trouble is an AMAZING FILM! More quotes than you can quote, awesome action and characters. Stick to reviewing chick’s tits. You guys suck dick.
April 14th, 2007 at 9:58 pm
They are full of crap. Big touble is great and brings back great memories from when it came out. The same for They Live. Take the movies for what they are. Corny, cheezy, funny as hell and great lines - “Ok, you people! Sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we’re not back by dawn… call the president.” And of course Roddy Piper - “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.”
May 29th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
I lost all respect for Maxim with this one… BTiLC is my all time favorite movie… and I do know a few things about good movies. It’s not the greatest movie ever created, but it’s damn good!
March 6th, 2008 at 3:28 am
Big Trouble… and They Live in the same list. Check.
As for your review of Best of the Best: “James Earl Jones, Eric Roberts and the US karate team beat Koreans into kimchi.”
First off, it was a US Tae Kwon Do team. Secondly, your remark is a retarded attempt at humor, if not offensive.
Movie rocked, though. Chris Penn was there too. Whatever happened to Rhillip Rhee…